Page 78 of Capacity
“Thank you guys for helping me unwrap some issues I’ve been having,” I finally said. Mr. Wells shook my hand and I stood to my feet after a few seconds of gathering my thoughts.
After I hugged Mrs. Wells goodbye, I walked outside with Mr. Wells and he took a second to look at me. He studied my eyes and the expression on my face. After speaking with him and his wife, my mind was finally starting to wrap around the concept of infinite love. The love I had for Lumi was beating through my veins with every thump of my heart. So was the love I had for Hazel.
“She asked you to take pictures of me, didn’t she?” He finally said, putting his hands in his pockets.
“Yeah, how’d you know?” I chuckled, leaning against the side of my car.
“Because I know Penny.” He looked up at the blue sky and sighed a little. “I guess we should take them now.”
“You sure?” I quizzed.
“Yeah. If you don’t mind, just take them with my phone. I want to be able to upload them when the time is right and I can tell you right now I’m not going to search through files in my email.”
“I can do that,” I smiled. “Why now though? Why not…”
“After she’s gone?” He narrowed his eyes in the face of harsh winter sunlight.
“Yes, why not then?”
“Because after Penny is gone it’ll take quite some time to get the light back in my eyes. She’s my light. This will be the last time in a long time I’ll be able to look happy.”
She was his light.
The Wells were a sign from God if I’d ever seen one.
Now, it was my turn to study him. He was so damn strong. I admired that more than anything.
When the time came for him to step into the dating world again, I didn’t foresee him having too many issues. Mr. Wells was handsome and he was only eight years older than me. He kept himself up. I could tell by his pulled together outfit, neatly trimmed beard and hair.
I snapped a few pictures of him on his phone and handed it back to him. I wanted to hug him and thank him for letting me in on something so precious and sacred. I wanted to tell him that he did so much more for me than I could have ever done for him and that even the short time I spent around him impacted my life tremendously.
“Thank you, Mr. Wells,” I said before breaking the embrace. “You and your wife are…you’re truly beautiful and amazing people. I’m so sorry that…” He held his hand up like he could read m mind. He halted my condolences in their tracks.
“You don’t have to apologize. Hearing people apologize hurts and while she’s still here I want to avoid that.”
“I understand,” I said.
“Knight, promise you’ll tell your woman that you love her. Don’t let another day go by.”
“I promise.”
“Good. You’ll be glad you did.”
I knew he was right. I just had to figure out when to tell Lumi. She would leave for Texas tomorrow afternoon. I couldn’t drop something so heavy on her before she left.
The entire drive home, I debated if I should tell her tonight or wait until she got back. I still didn’t have a concrete decision when I walked into the house. I made my way to the mantle and stared at the pictures of Hazel and me.
I didn’t allow my tears to fall while I was around the Wells’ but standing alone in my living room was a safe space to openly mourn my wife. Not having her with me still hurt. It would always hurt but having Lumi made the pain vanish. What was left behind were all the good times I had with Hazel. All the memories and laughs. All the beauty in her eyes.
If I could have those things without the pain then I’d gladly take them. It was time to make my happiness and peace of mind bigger than my mourning. It was time to stretch the capacity of my heart and let Lumi all the way in.
It was time to tell her how I felt.
Mr. Wells was right. There was no sense in waiting when time waited for no one.
I’d tell her after she got back from Texas. I didn’t want to profess my love for her and then not see her for two days. When I told her, I wanted us to sit and talk. I wanted to make sure we were on the same page. I needed to look into those eyes that stole my breath away so I could see what her truth was.
Something settled inside of me. I didn’t realize I’d been wrestling non-stop since losing Hazel. I only realized it now because the floundering stopped and peace set in. I’d never stop loving Hazel but that didn’t mean my heart and life couldn’t expand to love Lumi too. Hell, it already had. My mind was the last roadblock. I was glad it finally toppled.
