Page 84 of Capacity
I stroked the cold, hard block of cement that held his name and birthday. It was the only point of physical contact I had for my baby. I touched it as gently as I would have stroked the top of his head. I laid ginger hands on the tombstone the way I would hold his hands in mine or cup his chubby cheeks against my palms. I stroked his name with my thumb the same way I would wipe away his tears when he was sad.
I pulled my hands away, realizing that my baby boy would never come back no matter how sweetly I touched his grave. No matter how many tears I spilled onto the stone. No matter how many sobs cut themselves from my heart and flooded the air.
Kaiden wasn’t coming back.
A hole in the shape of him would be in my soul forever.
I knelt on the sunbaked earth and nestled the Hot Wheels against his tombstone, tucking them into the dirt so they wouldn’t be blown away and couldn’t be easily seen. Once I was done, I tried to stand but I couldn’t. I couldn’t move from that spot in front of his final resting place.
I knew I looked silly but I couldn’t make myself care. I leaned in and pressed my lips to the top of the cold tombstone then wrapped my arms around it. Sobs shook my shoulders as I melted into a puddle of regret and memories. Memories I’d never get back. Time I’d never get back.
“Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear, Kaiden…” My voice broke into a million tiny shards over his name. “Happy birthday…to…you,” I stuttered with a tear-logged voice. “I know you’re in heaven. I know there are no tears for you up there. Just…please don’t forget Mommy. I’ll never forget you, baby. Ever.”
I stood on wobbly legs and brushed the dirt from my dress.
“Ms. Foster?” My name came from a disembodied voice behind me. I turned to see Cecily and a tall man dressed in a suit with a crop of jet-black locs faded low on the sides and the back. I’d almost forgotten Cecily was just as affected by Kaiden’s death as I was in her own way.
She was his babysitter and the only person who’d watch him on nights when my schedule was insane. She’d loved him since he was three, watching him and caring for him like he was her own.
She was with him when he got killed. She was the one who called me, crying hysterically. She was at ground zero. I could never deny her grief. She blamed herself for so long and I hated it. I never wanted her to feel that pain and regret. I did everything I could to take the burden off her but Cecily cared too deeply. She would always share the pain with me.
We collided in a hug that sucked the air from us.
“Oh my god, Ms. Foster. I’m so glad you’re here because this was the hardest thing for me to do.” She cried on my shoulder as I held her close. She smelled sweet. Like pure sugar. Like Fruity Pebbles.
“I know, sweetheart.” I rubbed her back until her tears subsided then I put on a strong face. “I’m glad you’re here. I told everyone back home that I wanted to come alone but if I had to pick one person to be here with me…it would be you.” I wiped away the last remnants of her tears with my thumb and held her pretty face in my hands. “Stop crying, Cecily. You know Kaiden hated to see anyone cry. I mean, I’m a hypocrite because…look at me.” I gestured to my puffy red eyes and laughed.
“I’ve been doing really well but today is so hard.” She shook her head then looked over her shoulder at the tall man in the suit. He looked like her bodyguard. “Oh, Ms. Foster, this is my husband, Bear.” She gestured to him and he was at her side in an instant. He shook my hand and the sunlight glinted off his gold pinky ring.
“Nice to finally meet you, Ms. Foster. Cecily always talks about you.” His voice was deep and gravelly but he was so calm and peaceful. His energy made me want to listen to him talk about anything.
“Nice to meet you too, Bear.” I gave him a smile. “I knew you were in a relationship, Cecily but I didn’t know you were married. You never text me anymore.”
“I know,” she frowned. “I’m sorry. I’m always running around crazy with my little ones and the night care facility Kareema and I opened.”
My eyes widened with happy shock. “Wait…what?” I chuckled. We have to catch up because clearly, I’ve been out of the loop.
“You ladies wanna grab lunch? My treat,” Bear said.
“I’m down if you are, Ms. Foster. It’s been so long since we connected.” Cecily gave my hand a squeeze and I nodded. I ignored the irrational fear that I would see Kaiden’s doppelganger and allowed myself to have lunch with a dear friend and her husband.
Wow, I couldn’t believe how much little Cecily had grown since being a college student working toward her dreams of owning a night care facility that helped parents who worked third shift. Parents like me.
Or at least…like I used to be.
After Cecily spent quiet time sitting at Kaiden’s grave, we all said one more goodbye before heading to lunch. Maybe it was meant for Cecily and Bear to show up out of the blue. Even though as far as I knew they lived in Louisiana. Maybe I wasn’t meant to sit and wade through the dark waters alone even though I’d planned it that way. Sometimes God laughs in the face of your plans because he has so much more in store.
…
“What are you doing in Texas, Cecily?” I asked. We were seated at a patio table in a restaurant you usually needed reservations to get into. Bear made one phone call and suddenly, a table was available for us.
I hadn’t been in his presence for more than an hour and I already was in awe. He had something with him that I couldn’t put my finger on but it smacked of royalty and darkness. A part of me wanted to fear him even though he’d given me no reason but the other half of me wanted to know him.
“I came for Kaiden,” Cecily said simply. “I told Bear when Kaiden’s birthday came I wanted to be in Texas. I wanted to tell him happy birthday like I always did.” She blinked away the wetness in her eyes and smiled at me. She was still so beautiful and she had the kindest heart.
“I really appreciate it,” I told her. “Thank you Bear for coming with her. It’s tough shouldering something like this alone.”
“I’m never too far from her,” he said quietly. His fire-glass eyes blared love for his wife. It made my heart flutter.
