Page 90 of Devanté
“Blake, you don’t have a toxic view of yourself. You’re the most self-assured woman I’ve ever met.”
“I’m self-assured, yes but…I still fight toxic thoughts. I still hear Mom telling me to sit up straight and to smile because my smile would win over a man when my looks and body fell short. I hear that in my head sometimes when I think about us together.” There was the sting of vulnerability again.
Devanté pulled into a parking space and killed the engine. He stared out of the window for a while before saying anything to me. “Is that why you felt like a peasant? Because of your mom?”
“Partially, yeah. My father always poured into me and told me how gorgeous I was. He would never let me hold my head down or cry when I was made fun of. He taught me how to use my fire. My voice. He helped me realize I was a boss bitch.” I chuckled a little and toyed with my fingernails. “Not exactly his words but you get where I’m going. He breathed life into me when I was growing up. Mom did the opposite. She was a magnifying glass for everything wrong with me.” I wet my lips with my tongue and lifted my eyes to Devanté.
“I think she would have been happier having you as a son instead of me as a daughter.” That part hurt the most to say out loud. My throat turned thick and my eyes stung with tears I refused to give into.
Devanté reached over and tipped my head back. “I’m sorry you feel like that, Blake. If I had my way, I’d take all the pain away from you and lock it away inside myself so you never had to hurt but I know that’s not realistic.” He caressed my cheek with his thumb and stared into my soul. “You have to tell Miss Yelinda how you feel. She keeps acting like this because you keep letting her. You just stood up to your boss in front of an entire party. You stood up to Gabi. You stood up to Devin. Now it’s time to stand up to your mother because you can’t carry something so painful inside you all the time.”
The air in the car danced with pain but it was full of love and understanding too. I chose to focus on that energy instead. I wanted to focus on what would feed my soul and not what destroyed it.
“I’m going to talk to her,” I told Devanté, earnestly. “But only if you give me a kiss.”
“Is that…are you pouting right now?” He laughed. My lips were indeed poked out because I wanted my damn kiss.
“Yes. I thought a kiss was coming after all the profound shit you said. I was waiting for your lips and they never fucking came so…I’m pouting.”
“Wow, Blake,” he lit up with a beautiful smile that reminded me of why he had no problem soaring to the top of the male modeling world.
“Is there like a boyfriend manager I can speak to or something because this is unacceptable. You can’t end a kissable moment without a kiss.”
“Did you just ask for a manager?”
“Or customer service…something. I need compensation.”
“You’re being a super Karen. Chill.”
“Nope. I refuse to chill until…” He shut me up with his lips on mine. His mouth was warm and perfect. He made me forget what the hell I was complaining about.
“Still want to speak to a manager?” He quizzed, pulling away from my lips.
“A what?” I blinked. “I forgot what things are. I might remember if you give me another kiss though.” That one was deeper. It made me ache at my core.
“If I taste your lips one more time, I’m going to end up fucking you and you know I have no problem doing it in public.”
“Point taken,” I laughed. “Let’s pick up these flowers.”
I went inside and picked up six white rose teddy bear figures to decorate the venue. My mother could have easily hired a party planner but did she? No. She knew I’d do it for free.
I couldn’t leave San Francisco without telling my mother how I felt about the way she treated me.
…
