Page 67 of Emerald Moon
”You’ve had a busy couple of days.It makes sense.”
“Thanks for driving and for coming with me.”Jo wanted to thank her again for sharing how she felt, but the timing didn’t feel right, and the words didn't feel right either.
“I’m still glad you asked me.Have a good rest of your day.”
“You, too.”Jo sat there with their hand on the door, trying to think of what else they needed to say, but nothing good came to mind.They looked at Cass and smiled, but regret and frustration lingered behind it.
Cass smiled, too, and as Jo stepped out of the car and waved, they wondered what was wrong with them that they couldn’t keep this simple and love her back.
“Hey Jo,” Cass called out just before the car door closed.
Jo peeked their head inside.“Yeah?”
“Coffee tomorrow?”
If Cass was still making an effort to be friends with them after all this, Jo could at least do the same.“For sure.Want to meet at Pertinacious after lunch?”
“Perfect.See you then.”
The stress of keeping a depressive episode at bay for multiple days caught up with Jo all at once.Pretending to feel fine had taken everything Jo had to give and then some, and now they were paying the price.They tossed their bag on the floor and collapsed onto their bed, face-down in the pillows.Dolly walked up beside them on the bed and Jo reached over to pet her head between her ears.The cat purred as she settled down next to Jo, apparently happy they were back and ready to nap, too.
At some point, Wil came home and asked if Jo wanted anything to eat.They had no appetite, so they shook their head and stayed tucked tight in the ball they’d pulled themselves into on top of their covers.
Now that the wedding was over, Jo could only remember the things they didn’t want to.They kept replaying the conversation with their mom and the look on Cass’ face when Jo didn’t return her feelings.Jo knew it was their anxiety taking over, but that didn’t mean they could stop it.Both scenes played out over and over again until Jo was certain they’d done everything wrong both times, especially with Cass.The only thing they’d gotten right was asking Cass why she loved them.Cass didn’t know who they really were.If she did, she wouldn't have said that she loved them.Jo was unlikeable, unloveable.They only tricked people into being their friend by keeping the worst of themselves hidden.They’d all be better off if Jo wasn’t in their lives anyway.
The thoughts repeated until Jo had no strength left to argue against them and they accepted them as truths and fell into a fitful sleep.
The next morning, getting out of bed was an impossible task, so they didn’t.They texted Billie letting her know they wouldn't be able to make it into the bakery that evening and tossed their phone aside, not bothering to read the waiting messages.They didn’t have the energy to reply anyway.
Behind them, Jo could hear Wil moving around their room.They heard something settle on their bedside table and felt Wil’s hand on their shoulder.“You don’t need to get up, but if you do, I brought you an iced mocha.I thought caffeine plus chocolate might make you smile a bit, if nothing else.”
“Thanks.”Jo rolled over onto their back.
Wil looked down at them with a soft smile.“I’m going to be in my studio for most of the day, but you text me if you need anything and I’ll bring it home with me.”
As much as Jo wanted to give in and mope and be pitiful, the iced coffee called to them and they sat up long enough to drink half.They used what little energy the sugar and caffeine gave them, more a placebo than anything else, to take care of Dolly’s food, water, and litter box before crawling back into bed.Dolly didn’t need to suffer, too, just because Jo felt awful.
They were bone-deep tired, but they tried to cling to the idea that Wil cared enough about them to bring them something.It was hard, though.It was much easier to see how they were a burden and how unfair it was that Wil had to take time out of their day to worry about them.It wasn’t worth it.Jo could lie in here all day and the world would continue to function.They didn’t add anything.A much quieter voice in their head told them that was all wrong, but it was too hard to hear.
At some point Harry came and brought lunch and Jo, again, felt bad that someone had to take care of them because they were too broken to do it themselves.Frustrated, Jo ate what they could, rested until they felt ready, then set both bare feet on the floor, ready to go downstairs and be a person in the pack again through sheer willpower.Dolly followed them downstairs, trotting at a quick pace.
They brought their plate to the kitchen and walked back to the living room where a few packmates were waiting around before dinner.Jo had taken longer to rest than they thought.While the rest of the back had been running the bakery or off working their other jobs, Jo had just been rotting in bed.They felt drenched in guilt and shame, but sat down on the couch next to Harry anyway.
Harry ruffled their hair.“How you feeling?”
”Fine.”
Harry shot them a look.
”Like I got smashed by a steamroller.”
”Still, you made it downstairs.You’re not doing too bad for yourself.”
”I’m trying.”Jo sighed to let go of the built up bad emotions.“Thanks for bringing me lunch.”
”Don’t mention it.”He waved it off.“It’s what any of us would do for anyone in the pack.”
While Jo knew that was true, they also felt like they used up more than their fair share of pack kindness when they had bad episodes like this one.Sometimes it was a little dip.Sometimes it was a descent into the darkness.Jo did what they could to lessen it, but it really was a case of having to rest and wait it out.
