Page 61 of When a Highlander Vows
“But dae ye nae think it is only lust? I havenae kenned the lass for long.”
He heard a soft chuckle and turned to see his Nan in the doorway, laughing and crossing her arms.
“What are ye daein’, sneakin’ about, comin’ into a man’s sanctuary and listenin’ in?” Lucas asked angrily.
He blushed, and he hid it by throwing back the rest of his whisky. He held out his cup to Archie to fill it again.
Nan stepped further into the room, and she sat on the arm of Lucas’ chair, placing a knobby hand on his shoulder.
“Listen to yer friend, Lad, if ye willnae listen to me,” she said softly.
The way she spoke reminded him of how she’d comfort him when he was younger after his father or mother had beaten him for some small mistake. He looked away from her.
“Ye are makin’ a mistake,” she continued. “As soon as that lass came into our lives, I could see the light in her. And I wanted ye to see it too. I wanted some light to come into yer own life so that ye could find that old, boyish happiness again, Lucas. Ye deserve it. Yer faither and maither are gone now. Have been gone for years, yet ye let the past tell ye how ye should live. Ye let their words and their beatings keep ye from bein’ happy, even though they are now long gone.”
She pointed to his chest. “It is in ye to make the choice to become yer faither or nae. It is a choice, and ye daenae have to make it. It is nae just somethin’ that will happen to ye. Me son made a choice, Lucas,” Nan said, her voice thick with tears. “He chose his evil path, for he could see nay other way. Ye dae. Ye see a way of light and goodness. Choose that one, and daenae look away from it.”
Lucas had nothing to say to those words. They had been spoken out of love and care, and the fact that he had now been told so often by his family and friends that he should stop thinking of himself in such a negative way, he knew it must mean something. Even if he could not yet see it himself.
“I will think about it,” he said in a shaky voice. Looking into their eyes, he said, “I thank ye. But will ye let me think on me own for a while?”
“Aye,” Archie said, standing. “I shall.”
Nan stood and kissed him on the cheek, leaning down over him. “Ye will find the way soon enough, Lad.”
He nodded, and Archie led her out of the room. With a sigh, Lucas rubbed a hand over his face and now thickening beard. Caitlin seemed to like it, the way her fingers always touched it whenever they were close.
He smiled to himself as he brushed a hand over it remembering the feel of her fingertips on it as he held her close around the waist. Whenever he had her in his arms, everything felt right in the world. He could see a future with her, and he could imagine himself happy. But then, an image of his father beating his mother would quickly come to mind.
After that, he’d pull away, remembering himself, knowing he didn’t deserve to have someone so sweet and special as Caitlin. But he’d heard their words tonight. Maybe it was a choice withinhim to be able to decide whether to be like his father or not. That made him feel more powerful than he had in a long time.
But if I am to make things right, I must prove it to meself. That I am worth of Caitlin. That I could be what she deserves.
Despite the haze of whisky settling over his mind, Lucas was beginning to form an idea. But that meant he would need to leave again, and he wasn’t sure when he’d be back.
31
When Caitlin left Sarah’s chamber, she walked out of the castle, forgetting about Bram’s treats, and she took herself to Seamus’ grave. It was risky, considering it was now turning toward the late afternoon, but she had to be alone. She wanted to stand by her brother and to look out over the sea which had taken him away from her.
She also loved the way the breeze blew over the soft grasses in the castle’s valley, and the scent of the salty sea spray in the air made everything else melt away. Fallows had come with her too, which made her feel a little safer, and she knew the guards were watching from their perches on the castle.
When she reached the stone at last, she smiled, putting her hand upon it, thinking of Seamus. After some time, she spoke.
“Ye wouldnae believe where life has taken me now, Seamus. As ye have always had yer own adventures, I too am off on me own. It has taken a turn I dinnae expect.”
She moved to be able to sit on the stone and look out at the blurry, gray sea.
Smiling into the breeze, she said, “I have wished to speak to ye so many times, Brother, over these past weeks. I thought when ye left me that life would be over. That I would have nay one for the rest of me days, but yer friend has brought me into his castle. I have been given life anew.”
She wiped a tear as it fell, and her smile faded. “A piece of me heart will always be with ye, Seamus. I love ye, but I ken ye are restin’ with maither and faither now. Wait for me, will ye?” she asked the wind.
When the news of Seamus’ death had first settled over her in her small house on the hill, she wondered if living was worth it. Her future had stretched out darkly in front of her to her weak eyes, and all she’d seen was loneliness. But now at the castle, always surrounded by others, she hadn’t felt lonely in weeks.
She sat in silence for a long while, listening to the breeze and the sea. When she closed her eyes to shut out the blurry world, sounds became even stronger, and for a time, she was lost in a darkness filled with only sounds and smells. It grounded her, and as she sat, the clenching around her heart lessened. Even if Lucas did not return her affections in the same way, it was not the end. She had a life to lead and wonderful friends to help her to lead it. She did not need to stay in the castle, either, but she could return home, and she would still have the friends she had so come to love.
What of Bram?Her mind taunted.
While it was lovely to have handsome male company paying her attention, she enjoyed his company only in that he amused her. She’d decided that as soon as Lucas’ lips had touched hers again after his days away. No one, aside from him, could arouse her passion with such a fury. Her body listened to the words his body spoke, while Bram only aroused an attraction that she might feel with any good-looking young man.
