Page 43 of Status Undefined
“You don’t think he’ll stay there forever?”
“I don’t know. Depends on how he and his mom get along. Aren’t you talking to him?”
“No. He didn’t want to stay in touch. He was angry and I don’t blame him. But, you know, I never promised him we’d always be in the same place at the same time. I’m a nomad and I can’t promise anything. It was different with him though. Every moment felt timeless. It’s just… I suppose I thought we’d say goodbye on my terms, with some advance warning. Not so suddenly – especially with him heading for the place that I ran away from. The only place I’m not willing to go back to.”
“Not even if it means losing him?”
I couldn’t answer that. I hadn’t yet accepted the loss. I still felt like I was about to come up with a solution to the problem. Any minute now, we’d get to have it all and ride off in a carriage into the sunset. That’s how it had felt from the start. Yes, thoughts about the future popped up, but every time I thought about Amit, dreamed about him, saw him, talked to him on the phone, those thoughts disappeared and I was filled with a euphoria that I couldn’t get enough of. I wanted to know him, to experience as much as we could together in the limited time we had – including doing things like getting a haircut and going to renew a visa. Sitting on the rocks at Ya Nui Beach, I knew I didn’t want to waste a minute of our time together. But even more, I wantedevery minute to be real, no masks. Despite all his doubts and fears, I was grateful he had given me a chance. But that’s also why I feel so guilty now. In the end I decided not to go with him to New York, but it wasn’t because of money, fame, or my career. It was something else altogether.
“If I went back to New York I’d have to give up being a nomad. I’ve been a nomad for two years now and it’s been a perfect fit, my chosen path. Amit wouldn’t want to be with a dull Daniel – or any Daniel other than the one he met in Thailand. Different places make us different people – whether it’s Brazil, Spain, Israel or Thailand. Relationships don’t often survive across continents. I’ve heard so many stories about that. It’s tragic that location can ruin good relationships.”
Keren’s eyes were sad. I could see she hadn’t given up though.
“Maybe the standard success stories can only happen in a specific place and time. But maybe your story isn’t standard – maybe it’s an Oscar-winning, confusing, extraordinary story in which you rise above everything and fly off together forever. I really think your story is like that. People may not understand how the hell it happened, but your story will rise above anytime, anywhere.”
“Thanks, Keren. But I’ve already given up. I didn’t come to ask you for hope. I came to ask if you had advice about how to move on, without him.” I didn’t believe myself, but maybe if I said it enough times…
“I can’t believe I’m the one telling you this, because I’d like you to stay here forever, but we’re friends now and, as your friend, I want what’s best for you. You’re a nomad, so go. Go somewhere else, make new memories, see beautiful places, maybe also beautiful people. Make new connections, new stories. You know this better than I do. I’m just reminding you.” Keren wiped her eyes with her napkin.
“Thanks for reminding me, Keren. You’re right. That’s what I need to do.”
“I’ll miss you.”
“And I’ll miss you. You should be more active on Instagram!”
“Oh my god, do you follow me?” She pulled out her phone and saw I’d requested to follow her.
I laughed at how excited she was. It was so easy to make her happy. I wish it was that easy for me to be happy.
The spaghetti was surprisingly good, and we talked about lighter things – Instagram and beautiful places in Phuket. We pondered where I’d go to next. She recommended – from experience – Koh Phangan and the Full Moon Party.
We hugged as I got into the taxi and Keren whispered in my ear:
“I know you were lying. You haven’t given up on him. Don’t. You’ll find a way.”
I gave her a tight-lipped smile and got in the car.
January 18
I boarded my flight to Ko Samui – the first leg of my journey to Koh Phangan. The truth is I’d been a wreck the past few days – my sleepless mind flooded with thoughts and memories. But now that I was on the plane to a promising destination that Keren had recommended, I felt the flicker of something new. Yes, I had this awful feeling, however irrational, that by leaving Phuket it was as if I was abandoning Amit forever, despite the fact that he wasn’t actually there anymore; yet I felt a spark of hope at starting over in a new place that had inspired many stories – at least on social media.
I was in a window seat, focused on the view, but I felt someone looking at me. I turned and a Thai guy, younger than I was, was staring at me openly. It was a bit uncomfortable because we were so close to each other. It looked like he was hesitant to talk to me, so I broke the ice.
“Umm. Can I help you?”
“Daniel, right?” He knew my name!
“Good guess,” I answered, and he laughed.
“Sorry to intrude. It wasn’t a guess. I follow you on Instagram. You probably don’t recognize me. I’m Wind.”
“Nice to meet you.” I smiled at him, thinking that was more than enough small talk, but…
“We’re pretty similar, you know… both gay.”
For a moment I thought that was a terrible come-on line, but he went on.
“But we’re also exact opposites. You came to Thailand from the U.S., and I want to go to the U.S. from Thailand. My family tried to talk me out of it, but it’s my dream. Did you dream of going to Thailand?”
