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“You too…? No I haven’t seen Daniel. He’s probably moved on to the next destination.” I raised my voice in irritation, and I think I woke the homeless guy.
“And if I do see him I won’t…” The homeless guy got up and was coming towards me. I thought about running; my heart was pounding in my throat.
“Liam, let me call you back.” I ended the call and was about to run when the guy spoke.
“Babe?” The voice was so familiar it hurt. I froze. Then I looked at the guy’s face. He had blue eyes and white teeth that shone in the dark. He took off his hoodie and there he was – the guy I had been trying to forget about since I left Thailand but who frequented my dreams over and over.
My heart leapt and part of me wanted to throw my arms around him. But I stayed impassive. I wanted to hurt him like he’d hurtme. I knew it wasn’t possible though. He’d never comprehend the depth of my hurt.
I looked at him and it was clear that he’d been through a lot since we last met. He was thinner, his hair and beard were unkempt, and he had circles under his eyes. For a second I wondered if he really was homeless.
“What are you doing here?”
“Isn’t it obvious? I came to New York to find you.” Tears welled in Daniel’s eyes, but they didn’t soothe my pain.
“You already let me go. Have you changed your mind suddenly? Lost some followers? Got too lonely?”
“Amit, I know what you’re feeling…”
“You know nothing. You have no idea what I’ve been through while you wandered from beach to beach. Go make a story with some people. Surprised no one has jumped your bones yet – with all the gays around here.”
I saw he thought about asking if anyone had jumped my bones but wasn’t brave enough. It was the first time I’d seen him scared to say something. He started to tremble – maybe from the cold.
“I know I’m an idiot and everything, but let me tell you one thing. After that, if you want to, you can curse me, hit me, leave, anything you like. Okay?”
I nodded. It sounded like a fair deal.
“I want to explain to you why I came back.” He put a hand on my shoulder, and I left it there because he seemed unsteady on his feet. I thought about inviting him to sit, but he started to talk.
“I remember once, when I first became a nomad, so many places and experiences seemed magical. Niagara Falls – I think I found religion when I saw them. But then I saw the Iguazu Falls, shot a story and moved on, without any special emotion for the crazy natural beauty there. Mexican beaches? I couldn’t believe how clear the water was. I thought I’d spent my life unaware of the color of water. But then I got to Costa Rica, Brazil,Thailand, and I couldn’t get excited anymore. In the beginning, I had a lot more memories of every thrill, the anxiety of the transitions, the thirst for new discoveries but, over time, I began to remember less. Either there’s no more space in my head for new experiences or my brain filters out everything that’s not as great as what it’s already seen. The magic faded. It’s gone. It used to be waiting for me around every corner, cool graffiti or fire stunts, but today I hunt for it, wait for it. And when I’d almost given up, there you were on the floor in front of me. And every time I’m with you I’m like a little kid seeing a rabbit being pulled from a hat. I got addicted to that feeling of wonder. I got addicted to you, Babe…
He went on determinedly, through the tears that overwhelmed him, and me.
“When you were on a different continent, I went through withdrawal. I remembered every minute we’d spent together, every laugh at every message you sent me, your eye-rolling and your smile that melted me every time. And I found out that there’s no rehab for love. It’ll always be part of you. I could have gone on traveling the world, but the world wasn’t the same for me after you. The world without you was grey and indifferent, and what’s the point of living if this is how it’s going to be from now on? I know you have no reason to forgive me, or talk to me, but I had to come to New York to see you, at least one last time.”
His face was awash with tears, but he held my gaze bravely. I was aware that I looked like he did – as if we’d been caught in the rain. But I didn’t relent. An earthquake shook my core, but I resisted with all my might, as if my life depended on it.
“So you blame me for making you give up what you love in order to see me again? For putting an end to your nomadic life?” My heart had already forgiven him, but memories of the pain of the past month were fresh in my mind.
“I’m here because of you, not in spite of you, There arelots of advantages to what I’ve done – trips, landscapes, likes, but they were never the reason I left here. I felt alone here, misunderstood, meaningless. When you broke up with me, it wasn’t just New York – the whole world felt like that. And I realized that New York was actually where I could go again to feel belonging, understood, meaningful, just because you are here, and you are my only home in the world. It’s a dumb ending to my journey, just as dumb as the end ofThe Alchemist. Of all places in the world… you had to come here?” Daniel laughed through his tears.
I don’t know if it was because he’d read the book I’d given him, or because of the regret in his voice, but – there’s no other way to describe it – I surrendered. The water flowed, fire burned, wind howled. My mysterious Freud had been right: it wasn’t in my nature to fight my feelings. It was my destiny, to surrender over and over. It might sound like a bad thing, but it felt so good. Surrender is a word that gets a bad rap.
“You shouldn’t have come here for me.”
“Okay, so should I go back?”
Daniel made a movement as if to turn around, but I grabbed him. He couldn’t hold himself up anymore, the exhaustion overwhelmed him, and we tumbled together onto the Lennon memorial, obscuring the word that had defined the visionary musician. Daniel knew he had me and seemed to draw energy out of thin air. He looked down at me and yelled:
“I fell in love!”
Yes. He was back. We laughed, looking into each other’s eyes.
“At least this time I wasn’t the only one falling down.” There was no forgetting the first time he’d looked down at me on the floor.
“It doesn’t matter how many times you fall, I’ll always be there to pick you up.”
I looked at him and the moment was right. “You once told meyou love me, and I didn’t say it back. I loved you then and I love you now, Pretty.”
