Page 35 of Daydreamer
“I thought Will was managing his phone for a bit,” I said. “And I was with Vanessa because?—”
“There’snoreason for you to be with Vanessa,” he snapped, his hand slashed between us through the air. “You arenotVanessa’s assistant. Listen, I know you don’t like Will that much. Believe me, I’m not his biggest fan either. But at least he gets on with the job in hand, and he deserves an assistant who’s at least present.”
My throat started burning, and I felt a stinging at the back of my eyes, but I managed to push back the tears – I wouldn’t give Felix the satisfaction. He hadn’t even asked what I was doing with Vanessa. Just like he didn’t ask about my stories. He probably just assumed all the maps and spider diagrams I created and the words I typed on my laptop were just a hobby. To him I was just a directionless waste of space. And to think I’d actually started feeling guilty about keeping so much from him. I’d promised myself that if he asked me a direct question, I would explain everything. But sadly, the questions never came. We’d been together for two weeks now, and I’d spent nearly every night at his place.
I sighed and crossed my arms as well. I should really tell Felix where to go. If I had any self-respect I would call him out on being such a prick. Unfortunately, when it came to Felix, my self-respect was sadly lacking. He just made me so happy. I felt like I’d die if I couldn’t be with him. In fact, even the distance between us now, standing separated by a few feet was making my stomach hurt. This was why I hadn’t quit my job yet. Even before we were together, I had thought that any time I spent with him in any capacity was a bonus.
And now my dreams had come true and we were together, I had no idea how long it would be until he got bored of me. Iwas going to make the most of my remaining time in London with him. He was like a drug. But this was unhealthy. Being around him at work was not a good idea. I needed to confirm my notice period with HR today. No more slimy Will. No more stuck-up finance people.
I’d still see Lottie and Vicky of course. Over the last couple of weeks we’d regularly been going for lunch and coffee. They’d sort of adopted me. Vicky was so salty and literal that she ended up being hilarious most of the time. And Lottie was one of the most positive people I’d ever met (just as long as the Duke of Fuckingham, as she called him, wasn’t around – Ollie was about the only person I’d ever seen effectively dampen her mood).
It was easier for us to meet up in the daytime as Lottie had custody of her eight-year-old sister, Hayley – a carbon copy of Lottie, with caramel curls and big brown eyes. So the few times we met up in the evening we’d either hung out at her flat (although it was tiny and her neighbourhood was a little scary) or mine or Vicky’s, so that Hayley could be there too. So no bars or horrid business parties.
Like me, Hayley wasn’t big on crowds. Before Lottie took custody of her, Hayley had been through some traumatic stuff with her alcoholic mum which had left her selectively mute – she only spoke to Lottie. But she was a cute kid and could get her point across without words, most of the time anyway. She seemed to have an affinity with Vicky which made sense given Vicky hadn’t spoken either for many years as a child. It made me wonder about Vicky. I was aware of Hayley’s trauma that led to her mutism, but what had been Vicky’s? But any even vague reference to her childhood or biological family was always shut down quickly by Vicky so I never got to the bottom of it. Hanging out with them was fun, and they weren’t into fizzy wine or weird small food either.
FinallyI had friends in London. Mum was so proud. I hadn’t told her or Mike about Felix yet. At first, it was because I knew Mum would get ridiculously excited, and I didn’t want to then disappoint her when it came to nothing. Also, the last thing I wanted was to affect Felix’s relationship with my mum or Mike – I knew they meant such a lot to him. But now, I was keeping quiet about our relationship at Felix’s insistence. He was adamant that we shouldn’t tell my family, and looked a little pale if I even mentioned it to be honest. When I’d casually brought up the possibility of a trip back to Little Buckingham, he’d reacted with a firm, “No fucking way”. I knew he hated going back there for some reason, which he wasn’t willing to share with me. But my family was in Little Buckingham, and I missed them. I wanted to be able to share with them my news about Felix; I wanted us all to sit around Mum’s kitchen table together.
It was almost as though he was ashamed of me. Or maybe he was worried that telling Mum and Mikey would make things too official? But then he didn’t seem too bothered about making everything official elsewhere – he’d informed HR at work straight away. So the office was aware, but he still remained strictly formal with me here. There had been a fair bit of eye-rolling and muttering behind my back, especially from Will, but I was willing to suck it up if it meant being with Felix.
“Right, okay, I’ll get back to my desk,” I said in a small voice. Felix sighed and rubbed his hands down his face.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I don’t mean to snap at you, but there was a really important client that couldn’t get through because you weren’t there. I might be able to salvage the deal if I work on it with Will, but it’s a bit of a shitshow.”
There was no point telling Felix that Willtoldme to go down to the publicity department as he knew I could do that part of his job way better than he was able to, considering thathe didn’t have a creative bone in his body to help with the ad copy. That it was Will being rubbish that meant the call was missed. That in addition to him being rubbish he kept touching my hair, brushing my shoulder, and caging me in. Unless I had something concrete to complain about, I would just look weird and like I was trying to make excuses for being a crap employee. Iwasa crap employee, I freely admitted that. That’s why I wasgoingto quit once I grew some ladyballs.
But despite my crapness, I did think I’d managed to help Vanessa out over the last few weeks, so at least my contribution here wasn’tallnegative. But that wasn’t enough to make me stay. Plus my agent had rung this morning – I had a lot of shit going on over the next month. I needed to keep up with my deadlines. In fact, I had to meet her this afternoon which was going to look even worse.
“I’m sorry,” I said, just wanting to get this over with and be back to smiling Felix who would have taken me into his arms by now in other circumstances. His expression softened.
“Just try a little harder, Luce. Be a bit more on the ball. I can’t have people thinking I’m letting you off the hook because you’re my girlfriend. Or that I’m letting myself get distracted. I’ve already taken too much time off recently.”
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. Time off? Felix was home late every night and still worked on weekends. And I could hear the resentment in his tone. Clearly he wasn’t happy with this particular distraction. It hurt my feelings but, like a lot of things recently, I swallowed it down and didn’t rock the boat.
Just like his birthday last week when I made the mistake of making a lopsided cake and bringing it into the office. Imayhave been just a bit too overexcited to give it to him and Imayhave barged into his office, interrupting a delicate meeting with potential investors. His face had been like thunder. He’d mademe promiseneverto come into his office without express permission from then on.
I wasn’t making that mistake again. So, instead of arguing with him now I just nodded and turned to leave. He caught my hand, pulling me towards him until I was only inches away from his heat. I looked up at him and his expression softened.
“I’m only trying to help you, Luce. For your own good. It’s dog-eat-dog out there. You’ve got to sharpen up.”
I tilted my head to the side, feeling an ache in my chest for this man who had such a cynical worldview. Who hated the fact something had distracted him from his work. He sounded like his father again. He’d be horrified at the thought, but it was true. I gave him a smile and laid my hand on his chest, leaning into him as he took a deep breath in.
“It doesn’t have to be that way, Felix,” I said softly. “Not everything has to be dog-eat-dog stressful. We don’t have to be tough all the time.”
It wasn’t the first time I’d tried to gently address Felix’s ultra-stressed-out lifestyle. I personally didn’t think it was healthy, but it was clear he was not open to any suggestion that there might be an alternative way. He was surprised about how depressing I found the office, about how I didn’t think the atmosphere of fear here was productive.
“There’s not even natural light for the rest of the lower mortals, Felix,” I’d told him yesterday whilst drawing small circles on his chest in bed. “Couldn’t you try to brighten the place up a bit? Maybe chuck in a few beanbags and a nice communal, bright space?” He’d just sighed and told me that I “didn’t know the first thing about running a successful financial institution”, that “his employees thrived on fear” and “didn’t need any poxy beanbags to get the job done”. I mean he was right: I’d never run a company like his, but I knew human beings, and theydid notrun well on fear. And I knew that thebest ideas I ever had came along when I was “doolally” as Mum would say. There was value in daydreaming sometimes.
Felix shook his head and closed his eyes briefly before focusing back on me. “What am I going to do with you?” he muttered before his gaze dropped to my mouth. Then he kissed me, softly first then my mouth opened under his and he groaned, pushing me back against his door, one of his arms slipping under my thighs to lift me up against him as my legs wrapped around his back, his other hand spreading across my back to hold my body to his. He froze as he was kissing down my neck. It took me a few moments to realise that someone was buzzing the intercom.
“Shit,” he snapped, letting me drop down to the floor so suddenly I was lucky I didn’t end up in a crumpled heap, and then stepped back rapidly. I shivered in the sudden absence of his heat as I pulled my skirt back down over my fleece-lined tights. “Look, just get back to work, Lucy,” he clipped, smoothing down his tie and tucking his shirt back into his trousers. “I can’t afford all this distraction the whole time. And do your bloody job.”
He was frowning as he answered the intercom, clearly even more angry with himself than with me. Felix had never been very good at accepting that he was human. Kissing in the middle of the workday, being distracted by me – he viewed that as weakness, and it had been instilled in Felix long ago that you never showed weakness. I could remember one of the only times I’d been in the same room as Felix’s dad, and how terrifying the man was, his face red as he screamed at Felix for beingspinelessandweak. The worst thing had been how Felix had just taken it. No crying, very little outward reaction to his father’s awful, shouted words. A shiver went up my spine at the memory.
I slipped out of the office so that Felix couldn’t see any tears formingin my eyes. I’d talk to him later, I decided. I’d tell him then that there was something off about Will, that Will made me uncomfortable, that I was quitting the job. I’d explain about my work with Vanessa. And I’d drop the bomb that I never reallyneededthe job in the first place. Now that would be a fairly embarrassing conversation as it would eventually lead to why on earth I would take a job I didn’t need. I’d have to admit that it wasn’t just to get out of Little Buckingham and help me overcome my reclusive tendencies. Because really, buried deep in the back of my mind, I knew it was so I could be near Felix. I mean it had worked out great now, hadn’t it? Surely he wouldn’t be that angry?
“Were you fucking him in there?” Will’s voice brought me up short as I walked away from Felix’s office. His large body was blocking the corridor and he looked absolutely furious. “Is that how you always weasel out of him firing you?”
“Get out of my way, Mr Brent,” I said, straightening my spine. I tried to sound firm, but my voice was shaking. “L–l–leave me alone, or I’ll tell Felix.” It was lame. I should have been able to tell him what he well knew – that I’d done nothing to be fired for. ThatWillmessed up, not me. And that he should do his bloody job.
