Page 30 of A Forbidden Night with a Scot
What if this was the last time they were in the same room?
“Excuse me,” Alicia said, pushing her chair back and rushing out of the great hall. She didn’t even wait to be dismissed by her father before she fled, tears already stinging her eyes as she stepped out into the courtyard to take a breath of fresh air.
It did little to help. The world seemed to spin around her and she had to reach out and steady herself against the outer wall, the tears finally spilling from her eyes.
It didn’t take long for Alicia to hear steps behind her and she turned to see Samuel there, pausing by the main entrance as he spotted her. She didn’t know if she was glad he had followed her. She didn’t know if she wanted to speak to him or simply forget any of this had ever happened; that they had ever met at all.
“Are ye leavin’ because o’ me? Because ye dinnae even wish tae be around me?”
She couldn’t help it. She had to know the truth, even if it hurt. A part of her thought it would be better if it did hurt, if Samuel confirmed her fears and broke her heart entirely, so she could finally move on from this. But Samuel shook his head, walking over to her and gently taking her hand. It was a simple, innocent touch, but it sent a shiver through her and a wave of fresh tears spilled from her eyes.
“O’ course it isnae because o’ ye,” Samuel assured her. “It isnae about what I wish, Alicia. I’m leavin’ because me clan needs me, but perhaps it’s better this way, it is what is proper. Perhaps it’s best if we are far apart from each other.”
“Why?” Alicia asked, trying to keep her voice from trembling. Samuel couldn’t simply leave. He couldn’t abandon her like this when she needed him the most.
“Because whenever I am around ye, I feel like a villain.”
There was no hesitation in his voice. There was nothing to suggest this was only an excuse. Samuel truly saw himself as a villain, when he had never been anything but kind to Alicia.
“How can ye say that?” she asked, voice breaking before she could control it. “Ye’re nae a villain, Samuel. Ye’ve done naething wrong.”
“We both ken that isnae true,” said Samuel, letting go of her hand. Alicia immediately missed the warmth of his fingers around hers, the tenderness of the gesture, but she didn’t try to take his hand again. Instead, she fiddled with the edge of her sleeve, once again trying to keep the tears at bay. She didn’t want to cry in front of him; to appear so weak.
“Ye’re the only one who thinks any o’ it was wrong,” Alicia insisted. “I dinnae. Why willnae ye listen?”
“If others kent about this, they, too, would find it wrong,” Samuel said. As he spoke, he even took a step back from her, as though he remembered that he was trying to keep his distance, both literally and metaphorically. “Even if ye think there is naething wrong about this, everyone else will. I dae. I think it’s wrong.”
It was that which convinced Alicia there was no point in arguing with Samuel about this. If he saw himself as a villain, a monster, simply because they had come closer than either of them expected, then he would never listen to her. He would never believe this was something she truly wanted, that she knew well enough to decide for herself.
It was yet another decision made for her by someone else. Alicia was used to it by then; first the marriage, and now this, the two greatest choices torn from her among a sea of others. It didn’t matter how hard she tried to take control of her life, doing as she pleased even as she knew she would get in trouble for it. When it truly mattered, she was powerless.
“I understand,” she said, taking a step back, as well. Now they stood so far apart that they couldn’t even reach for each other. “I wish ye safe travels, then.”
She didn’t want Samuel to see just how heartbroken he had left her, but naturally, there was no avoiding it. Her eyes still stung and felt swollen, and Alicia was certain her face was covered in a blotchy redness, as it always was when she cried. From the raw, hurt look in Samuel’s eyes, she could tell he understood how she felt—perhaps even shared some of her pain.
It seemed to be a pattern, she thought, one of them fleeing the room, those days. Now, it was her turn to flee, heading back into the castle and to her chambers rather than the great hall, eager to be alone.
Time healed all wounds, they said, and yet time had not been enough to destroy the love she held for him; for that was what it was, love, plain and simple. So how could she expect time to fix her heartbreak?
CHAPTER TWELVE
Another sleepless night, but one Alicia refused to spend tossing and turning in bed. She had quickly figured out there was little point in it, staying supine when sleeping was impossible, and so now she quickly dressed and stared for a moment out of the window into the distance, the land illuminated by a bright, full moon.
It was late and if Alicia knew what was best for her, she would be staying in the castle—reading a book, maybe, or finishing the painting she had long abandoned, but of course, she didn’t know what was best for her. The thought of doing something rebellious, something her father and Samuel would be disapproving of, was too tempting to resist. It was the only thing she still had control over; a little mischief to make her feel like herself again.
A night swim doesnae sound bad at all.
She wasn’t going to be entirely irresponsible, though, not when it could get her into a little too much trouble if something wereto happen to her. Before doing anything else, she went into Katherine’s room, slipping quietly inside and closing the door behind her.
The room was dark, nothing but the moonlight and the dying embers of a fire illuminating the place. Her sister must have been asleep for a while now already, she thought, as she approached the bed and gingerly sat at the edge of it, Katherine entirely undisturbed in her deep sleep.
For a moment, Alicia considered letting her sleep, but then placed a hand on Katherine’s shoulder and shook her awake. She opened her eyes with a gasp, flinching at the sudden touch and trying to scrabble away from Alicia, almost falling off the bed before she realized who she was.
“What dae ye want?” Katherine groaned, a hand rubbing her face with a sigh before it ran through her unruly hair, pushing it back from her face. “Ye almost scared me tae death.”
Entirely unapologetic, Alicia said, “I am goin’ tae the loch.”
“Now?” asked Katherine, pushing herself up to her elbows with a frown. “What time is it?”
