Page 34 of A Forbidden Night with a Scot
But it was more than that, Samuel knew. His affliction was not only one of the flesh, but also one of the heart. Alicia had always been dear to him, but now those feelings had shifted, morphing into something else, something deeper that he could hardly believe himself.
He was starting to fall for her. It was the only explanation for those conflicting feelings.
Pursing his lips in a tight line, Samuel nodded reluctantly, finally admitting the truth. Another sigh escaped Nerian as he rubbed his forehead wearily, turning to stare into the fire.
I’ve lost a dear friend. Surely, he must hate me now.
But when Nerian dragged his eyes back to Samuel, his gaze held no trace of hatred. “Well, she is meant tae wed a man much older than ye,” Nerian pointed out. “Ye would certainly be a better match.”
Samuel was stunned speechless for what felt like an eternity. “How can ye say that?” he asked quietly, shocked. “Are ye nae disgusted with me?”
“Disgusted?” asked Nerian with a short chuckle, one that Samuel didn’t appreciate at all. How could his friend be laughing at a time like this? Did he truly not understand the gravity of the situation? “Why would I be disgusted?”
“Because!” said Samuel, which was really no explanation at all, he realized, just as he spoke. “Because… because I’ve kent her fer so long! An’ I’m almost fifteen years older than her! An’ I’m her faither’s friend! Gavin will have me head if he finds out.”
“Och aye, he probably will,” said Nerian. “But he doesnae have tae find out. Ye willnae dae anythin’ about this, will ye?”
Before he could stop himself, Samuel dropped his gaze to the floor, blood rushing to his face. It was as good as any admission, and Nerian stared at him in surprise, pushing off his chair to pace up and down the room.
“Ye will?” he asked. “Or ye have?”
“I have,” Samuel admitted. “At the loch, I… kissed her an’—”
He couldn’t tell Nerian the rest, but his friend could easily put two and two together. After a few more moments of pacing, Nerian came to sit back down, this time dragging his chair so close to Samuel that their knees knocked together.
“Is there a chance she’s…”
It took Samuel a few moments to realize what it was Nerian was insinuating, but then he shook his head vehemently. “I didnae touch her like that,” he assured him. “I barely touched her at all! It didnae… it was only a brief thing.”
“So, she’s still pure?”
“O’ course she is!”
Nerian nodded, relieved. “Good. That’s good. Well, if ye hardly touched her, then it doesnae matter. We will leave on the morrow an’ she will wed Laird MacTavish.”
“But how can Gavin an’ I allow this tae happen?” Samuel asked. “Ye said it yerself. Laird MacTavish is even older than I am. He is nae a match fer her.”
“Perhaps,” Nerian said. “But what is there tae dae about it?”
That was another thing that had been plaguing Samuel. What could he do to save Alicia from her fate? What could he do that Gavin couldn’t?
He hated this feeling of helplessness that had gripped him ever since learning about the marriage. He hated his own inaction in the face of hardship. Alicia didn’t deserve to spend her life with a man she wouldn’t love and who wouldn’t love her, and yet Samuel could only stand by and watch as she was forced to do just that.
With a sigh, Nerian stood and slapped Samuel’s back comfortingly. “It’s alright. Dinnae blame yerself fer fallin’ in love. How could ye ever control that?”
Samuel wished he could see it the way Nerian did, but his guilt would never run dry. Even if he never saw Alicia again, even if nothing else ever happened between them, he would still have to live with this guilt hanging over him for the rest of his life.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Every breakfast had been a tense affair of late, and the one Samuel had with everyone else that morning was no exception. As always, Gavin sat at the head of the table, while Samuel and Nerian occupied his left side, and Alicia and Katherine occupied his right.
The entire time they were eating, Alicia had not said a single thing.
I truly have ruined everythin’ after what I did.
Alicia could hardly look at him for a single moment before averting her gaze, and Samuel didn’t know if it was due to embarrassment or disgust. Had his actions the previous night shown her that he was not the kind of man she wanted? Had she finally come to realize that what they were doing was wrong?
On the one hand, that would put an end to all the foolishness and Alicia would never try to approach him again. On the other,the last thing Samuel wanted was for Alicia to be so dreadfully repelled by him, to think of him as nothing but a beast who couldn’t control his appetites around her. He didn’t want her opinion of him to fall so low.
