Page 37 of A Forbidden Night with a Scot
What was there for him to say that she hadn’t heard before? Samuel couldn’t offer her any comforting words, nor could he give her a promise that they would be together. He would neverdo such a thing. All he would say was that it was wrong, and Alicia had heard it all before. She didn’t need a reminder.
“Please,” Samuel repeated, his voice soft through the door, and Alicia couldn’t resist anymore. She opened the door and let him inside, watching as he paced around the room a few times. “There isnae much in here, is there?”
It was true; there was nothing in the room save for a large bed, a cabinet, a washbasin, and a fireplace to keep it warm, along with a thick, well-used carpet. It was far from the luxury either of them was used to, but Alicia thought that was beside the point.
“Is that why ye came here?” she asked, voice tight. “Tae talk about the rooms?”
Samuel shook his head, drawing in a deep breath. “Nay. But ye already kent that.”
Walking over to the bed, Alicia perched herself at the edge of the mattress, hands folded in her lap. “Speak, then,” she said. “Though I think I ken what ye will say.”
“What will I say?”
“That this is wrong,” Alicia said without hesitation. “That it is a mistake.”
Samuel lowering his head and avoiding her gaze was all the confirmation Alicia needed. He hadn’t so much come there to comfort her, then, as to try and force her to change her attitude.
“Are ye afraid o’ me faither?” she asked. “Is that why ye came here? Tae tell me tae stop actin’ like this?”
“Nay,” said Samuel immediately, shaking his head, but then he paused, seemingly reconsidering it. “I mean, I dinnae wish fer him tae find out the truth, o’ course. I’m sure it’s the same fer ye.”
Alicia gave it some consideration and decided that while she was, indeed, afraid of her father, she would still find the courage to tell him the truth if it meant that she could be with Samuel. She didn’t think what she was doing was any worse than being forced to marry Laird MacTavish. If anything, at least she loved Samuel and she knew he would never hurt her—not on purpose.
“The only reason I willnae say anythin’ tae him is because I ken it will upset him an’ there is nay point,” she said. “Ye will never see me as anythin’ but a lassie. Why would I upset him when ye dinnae want this? When ye dinnae want me?”
“I dae,” Samuel said without hesitation as he came to stand in front of Alicia and then knelt by her feet, taking her hands in his. “I want ye, but it is wrong. Every time I think about ye, I am filled with guilt. Ye deserve better than me, Alicia.”
“It isnae a matter o’ what I deserve,” Alicia said, shaking her head. “An’ besides, ye ken me fate. Ye insist what we have iswrong, but ye will allow me tae wed Laird MacTavish, as though that is any better.”
At her words, Samuel’s expression darkened, a flash of betrayal crossing his features. “Ye ken I would dae anythin’ tae stop this marriage,” he said. “But it isnae up tae me. There is naething I can dae.”
“Aye,” said Alicia with a bitter laugh. “This is what everyone says.”
Slowly, she disentangled herself from Samuel, and he stood once more, resuming his pacing around the room. She watched him wearily, now wishing for the first time that she could be truly alone, without even his presence nearby. The mere sight of him was enough to send that pang of pain through her again and again, each rejection stinging more than the last.
“I’m sorry,” he said in the end, not daring to meet her eyes. “I truly am, Alicia, an’ if there is anythin’ I can dae tae stop it, ye ken I will. I can… I could try tae find a way. Fer ye.”
Could this be anything more than an empty promise, she wondered? Was there something Samuel could do to save her from her fate or was he simply trying to make her feel better with meaningless words that would be followed by inaction?
She thought the latter was most likely. If there was a way for that marriage to come to an end before it had even started, she hadn’t yet found it, and it seemed unlikely she or anyone else would.
“Well , I’m sure ye will be busy now,” Alicia said, her irritation growing with every passing moment. She was tired of everyone telling her what she could and couldn’t do. She was tired of following other people’s plans and letting them dictate her life. “The servin’ wench will certainly keep ye busy.”
It was an unfair comment, perhaps, and Alicia regretted it the moment she saw the incredulous look on Saul’s face. She truly was doing nothing to help her case, she thought. If anything, she was only making it worse, proving to him that she was the child he thought she was.
“I have allowed much foolishness so far,” Samuel said, and whatever regrets Alicia had for her behavior vanished, instantly replaced by rage. “But I willnae allow this.”
Foolishness, he says! He dares call me the fool!
Standing, Alicia walked over to Samuel and looked at him right in the eye, lips twisting in an unpleasant snarl. “Ye have said enough! Just as I thought, ye only came here tae tell me this is wrong. That me feelings fer ye are wrong. An’ I dinnae wish tae hear it. If there is naething else ye wish tae say, then I’d rather be alone now, thank ye.’
With a sigh, Samuel pinched the bridge of his nose, a grimace of pain flashing over his features. “It is me own feelings that are wrong,” he said. “Ye’re young an’ what yer feelin’ is… it is innocent. I cannae say the same about me. There is naething innocent about me feelings fer ye, Alicia, an’ that is precisely whyI must stay away from ye. Ye will thank me in a few years, once ye understand just how revoltin’ I am.”
“This is what ye dinnae understand,” Alicia insisted. “I dinnae think ye are revoltin’. I want ye, Samuel, an’ naething ye say can change that. I want ye just as ye are. I’m nae a wee lassie anymore. I’m a woman, an’ I ken what I want.”
Though Alicia could see that Samuel wanted to argue with her further about it, he eventually decided against it. He seemed to deflate a little as he took a deep breath and a stepped away from her, putting some distance between them once more.
It was always like this; there was always this distance, put there by Samuel refusing to get too close. It would always be there, Alicia knew.
