Page 80 of A Sinful Night with a Scot
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Once Keane left to meet the council, Elsie lay down on the bed, tucking her legs up into her stomach. She did feel tired, and yet, when she closed her eyes, sleep just would not come. So much had happened in such a short period of time, that her mind whirled with myriad thoughts.
First and foremost was Keane’s expression of love. When those words left his mouth, she had heard nothing else, for her heart had leapt for joy. She had known for some time that she felt deeply for him. And perhaps, she ought to have told him before now that she was indeed in love with him. Yet something had stopped her.
But what?
Fear, nay doubt. Ye were too scared that he wouldnae reciprocate. Or perhaps, more scared that he wouldnae care.
Perhaps that was the reason, though over the last few days, he had not given her reason to think such a thing. Maybe it also had to do with the fact that she had never truly felt love. And with that, felt that she was, in some way, unlovable.
Now, however, she knew differently. He loved her. He was in love with her. And even though she had experienced deep affection from him, hearing those words had meant so much more. He had told her exactly what she needed to hear. He couldn’t lose her. But nor could she lose him.
The memory of that battle tortured her, for had she not shoved him out of the way at that very second, she would have lost him. She had hardly cared for her own welfare. The soldier she had attacked could have outwitted her at any second. But all she had cared about was Keane.
Now, however, that dreadful feeling of killing yet another man overtook her, and she felt sick to her stomach. She wondered if taking another’s life ever became easier. Clearly, warriors did it every time they went into battle. Did they have these same feelings of guilt, horror, numbness? Even now, as she closed her eyes, all she could see was that soldier’s face; his pain and fear as his soul left his body.
It was him or Keane.
She knew that, but that knowledge did not make her feel any better.
After some time, she gave up trying to sleep. She needed something to distract her, and staring at the wall certainly wasn’t helping. Pushing herself from the bed, she headed to the door, but then halted. Keane said he would return, but if he did not find her there, he would worry.
I should leave him a note.
Finding some parchment, she told him where she would be, and then left it on the bedside locker where he would be able to find it. After that, she left the bedchamber and headed downstairs to the library.
A fire roared in the large room. Having chosen a book she hoped would quieten her dreadful thoughts, Elsie settled on a chaise lounge and opened it to read but it did not work, for she found herself reading the same paragraph over and over. She had read only a few pages when the door to the library opened.
Turning, she watched Keane enter.
“Couldnae sleep?” he asked as he lowered himself down beside her.
Elsie sighed and shook her head.
“Dae ye want tae tell me about it?”
She gazed at him for a long moment, wondering whether he might think her a fool for her feelings. But then, sheremembered that this man loved her and would not judge her on something of such weight.
“Dae ye ever get used tae killing people?”
Realization crossed his face, and he looked sadly at her.
“Come here,” he said, pulling her into him.
Elsie left the book on the table beside her and allowed her husband to pull her in close. He was warm, and felt strong against her, like he always did. She could not remember a time or a place that had ever made her feel as safe as Keane’s embrace. He was her bulwark, a refuge from the storm, even if that storm was only in her mind.
“Ye are upset about that soldier.”
“I ken it was ye or him?—”
“Or ye,” Keane added.
“Aye. Or me. Still. I cannae get that look in his eyes out o’ me head. I was staring intae his eyes at the exact moment his soul left his body.”
Keane remained silent, as though he was allowing her to continue.
“So? Dae ye? Ever get used tae it, I mean?” she pressed.
