Page 81 of A Sinful Night with a Scot
She felt his chin shake against the top of her head. “Nae really, little one. I suppose, but I think a warrior hardens himself tae it.”
“But what about the first time it happened? The first time ye saw someone’s life ebb away?”
He nodded. “Aye, the first time was hard.” His voice sounded far more melancholy now. “But me first time wasnae in battle.”
Elsie sensed that there was something much deeper in his words. Pushing herself from his chest, she gazed up at him. He looked lost in his thoughts, and overcome with sadness.
“When?” she asked tentatively. “What happened?”
“When I was ten years old, I watched me maither’s soul leave her body,” Keane said sadly. “One minute she was there, and then, after several final breaths, she was gone. All that remained was the vessel her soul had occupied.”
“Och, God, Keane. Ye’ve never told me that.”
He smiled sadly down at her. “I’ve never told anybody that. Well, Alisdair and me sister ken, but I’ve never talked about it. Our family lost two members that day, for me maither had given birth tae a child. The child didnae survive either.”
Tears welled in Elsie’s eyes, and she grabbed hold of his arm. Pressing her face into his bicep, she gasped. “I am so sorry, me love. I am so very sorry.”
They sat in silence for a long time, the hissing and crackling wood in the fire the only sound. Elsie did not want to push Keane any further than he was willing to go, and thus, she remained silent. If he wanted to talk further, she wanted to give him the space to do so.
After the longest time, Keane took a deep breath in.
“It is the reason I…” he hesitated.
Elsie then lifted her head and gazed at him. “The reason ye what?”
He shrugged. “The reason I… dinnae finish inside ye when we are making love.”
And in that one sentence, Keane’s actions made sense. There had been a reason for Keane breaking their connection at the end of their love-making, and that was it.
“Ye dinnae want me tae get with child,” she breathed. “Ye’re scared that the same thing will happen tae me.”
Once more, a silence fell between them. This time, Elsie was not giving Keane room to think. It was she who needed to process what his words meant. She had not even considered childrenwith Keane; there had been far too much going on for it to have occurred to her. But now, as she thought about it, the idea of not becoming a mother saddened her.
As she had grown, it was something she had desired to happen eventually. Even when she was being forced to marry Laird Gunn, she had envisioned a future with children of her own. Of course, her marriage to Keane had hardly started with true love and the hope for them to have a family. Their love had blossomed after the fact. A love that, at some point, might have produced children they could love dearly. Children they could both watch grow into fine young men and women. But how could she now try and force her desire onto Keane after what he had suffered?
She couldn’t. It just wouldn’t be right.
“Ye want children, dinnae ye?” Keane said.
“Well. I havenae really… I mean…” She floundered, trying to find the right words without telling him an outright lie. “It hasnae been something I have really thought about.”
Keane smiled down at her with a knowing expression. “Have ye forgotten already that I can hear every thought in yer head, little one?”
Of course, he could. So now, what was she supposed to say?
“I cannae give ye yer wish, Elsie. I’m sorry. I simply dinnae have the strength tae risk losing ye.”
Elsie took a deep breath in and then let it out slowly. Clearly, there was to be no compromise. At that thought, her heart ached, for she would have loved to have raised her and Keane’s children in a happy home.
“It is clear that ye want a child o’ yer own, little one. And I am nae going tae stand in the way o’ that. Thus, I… If ye want it, I will give ye yer freedom.” Keane’s voice sounded heavier than she had ever heard it.
Elsie frowned. “What dae ye mean, me freedom?”
“Exactly what I say. Ye are free tae leave. Nay harm will come tae ye from me or any other. Ye will be free tae return tae yer own clan, if ye so desire. Free tae be with another so ye can fulfill yer desire tae be a maither. As much as it will hurt me honor, what will hurt me more would be seeing ye sad because of me choices.”
Gazing at him, she could see the weight of the sadness that enveloped him. After his expression of love, he was willing to give up everything they shared so she could have the life she wanted. It pained her, and at the same time, impressed her. In fact, she could hardly believe she was sitting next to the same man who had snatched her from the chapel not so long ago. It was unheard of a laird’s wife to leave him while he was still alive.
Keane could not return her gaze. Instead, he looked into the fire. Perhaps he was too terrified to discover what her reply might be. Or more so, he feared that she would see his reaction when she did give him her answer.
