Page 29 of Healing Hearts
“Trent,” she says, and I can hear the disappointment in that one word.
“People already think you’re using a donor, and my big reason for saying no in the first place is still valid. I have a shitreputation in this town. Horrible. I’m not putting that on a kid. The Sullivan shine isn’t enough to counteract it, at least not yet. If I can turn around people’s opinions of me through the shop, then we can reconsider.”
“We’re going to have sex in secret,” Emily says, her tone brimming with disbelief.
“Well, that answers another one of my questions. I wasn’t sure how we’d do it, but yeah, I guess we would.”
Her cheeks turn red, and she avoids eye contact. “If that’s not the wayyouwant to do it, then that’s fine. We can use a fertility clinic instead.”
“I suspect the route you had in mind would be much more fun,” I say. “Not going to lie. That kiss got in my head.” Really far in, so far that I’m not sure I’ll ever forget it.
“For me too,” she says, her voice still abnormally quiet.
There’s a beat of silence between us, and then Emily squares her shoulders. “I’m not going to lie to our kid about who their dad is.”
“I’ll be around a lot, and he or she will know me as a person, just not as their dad,” I say. “Hopefully, by the time we need to worry about telling anyone, I’ll have the shop in good shape, and I’ll be back in the good books of most of the town.”
“I have complete faith in you, Trent, and I’m not asking this because I don’t. But what if that’s not what happens? What if you never convince all the people you want to convince that you’re a decent, upstanding guy who made a colossal mistake at nineteen? What then?”
“Then I’d only want our child to know if it was critical.”
“A dad is important. You know that.” She stands up and starts pacing. “If you’re not okay with our child knowing you’re their dad, then I don’t think we can do this. Donor sperm would honestly be easier. More straightforward.”
I release a deep breath. “Fine. We can tell them when they’re old enough to understand what it all means—no matter what.” And then I decide to say more, “But I’m going to work really fucking hard, Em. I’m going to win people over. Until I do, I don’t want anyone in this town shitting on you, giving you a hard time about your choices. I wouldn’t take it well if someone hurt you.” I raise my eyebrows and consider any scenario that involves negativity directed at her. “Really, really wouldn’t take that well.”
“For now, you want me to tell people I’m using a donor, but that donor will actually be you.”
“Correct. If you want it to be.”
“And you and I would be…”
“Friends with a shared goal.”
“That’s a very sanitized version of what we’ll be doing.”
“I hope so too,” I say, giving her my cockiest grin. In fact, I’m hoping it’s all quite dirty.
“I’ll keep track of the best dates for us to be together. Anything that makes this more transactional is probably better in the long run.” The crease in her brow suggests she’s deep in thought.
“I just need,” I say, turning serious again, “I need your guarantee that whether this works or not, we’ll be okay. I don’t want to ruin ‘us’ in this process.”
“Do you want to set a timeline? Like a number of months we’ll try, and if it doesn’t work, I’ll go to Plan B.”
The responsible thing would be to say “yes.” An end date makes sense so we’re not tied to each other indefinitely, striving for something Emily really wants but that I might not be able to give her—despite my excellent swimmers.
“I say we just play it by ear. See how it goes. Keep the lines of communication open.”
“I think we’re being naïve to think we can keep this a secret,” she says. “Remember the last secret you kept with a Sullivan? It didn’t exactly go as expected.”
“And this might not either,” I admit. “But I’m willing to take the chance if you are.”
“You want to go ahead with purchasing the shop?”
“And a year from now, I’ll take out a loan and pay you back the price you purchased plus some sort of interest. Whatever’s fair.”
“You’ll move back to Little Falls?” she asks.
“I’ll need to look for a place to rent, but I can sleep in the shop until I’ve sorted that out.”
