Page 55 of Healing Hearts
“I was feeling a little anxious about something, so I couldn’t focus,” I admit, fiddling with a piece of stray paper on the counter.
He comes over so our shoulders brush and rests against the counter beside me. Maybe the proximity should bother me, but I love that he likes to be close to me, that any chance he has to touch me, he does. And it amazes me how he can ramp up the sexual tension between us from casual friendship to “I want to rip off your clothes” only when required.
Sometimes it makes me question whether he really does think about me in that way throughout the month, or if he just flicks a switch, makes himself feel a certain way.
Ever since that first kiss, it feels like I have a pilot light inside, lit just for him, waiting to be turned to full strength. I notice things about him in a way I never did before.
He takes a long drink from the bottle, his throat working, before screwing on the top and setting it beside him. “What’s going on? How can I help?”
“I’ve been wracking my brain trying to think about how to approach this,” I say.
“Are you cutting me from the baby making team because I can’t hit the target?” Trent asks.
“No,” I say, and I let out a startled laugh. At this point, I like having sex with him far too much to be cutting him from the team, even if the results have been slow to come. “It’s about Amir.”
“Okay,” Trent says, clearly waiting for more.
“He would like to celebrate Father’s Day this year,” I say.
Trent nods slowly, and it looks like he’s trying to process what this would mean. “Sounds kinda morbid, but do you mean at the cemetery?”
“No,” I say, taking a deep breath. “I mean with you.”
“Me?” He sounds genuinely surprised.
I don’t say anything, I just give Trent a beat to work through the implications of that.
“Oh, I don’t know, Em,” he says, running a hand along the top of his head. “I wouldn’t want to let the kid down.”
Even though he doesn’t elaborate, I understand both ways he means it. Saying “no” would let Amir down, but saying “yes” leaves Amir open to criticism from people around town. While Trent and I are adults who can deal with people’s old perceptions of him, Amir might be hurt or confused by them.
“What does he want to do?” he asks.
“Cook you breakfast. Give you a few things he’s made.”
“That’s it?” he asks.
“Yes, but…” I struggle to find the right words. “We’d be setting a precedent. I don’t know if he’d want to do that next year and the year after—assuming you’re still in our life.” I say the last part quietly, almost afraid to put it out into the universe.
“I’ll be here,” he says firmly and quickly. “I’ll be here, right?” There’s a hint of panic in the second question. “We made a promise.”
“And I’m planning to keep it, but I also know life doesn’t always go how we expect, how we want it to.”
Trent is quiet for a beat, and his hands flex on the counter as he leans back into them. I have no idea what’s going through his head, but the expression on his face makes me think it’s a lot. I knew Amir’s request wasn’t a light, easy one, and I’m glad he’s taking it seriously, but I’m worried I’ll have to tell Amir that his plans will have to change.
“One of the reasons I wasn’t sure I could say ‘yes’ to this whole baby making thing was him, you know? He’s lost his dad, and he lost his grandfather, and we’ve gotten close. Like, I can’t deny that.” He glances at me, as though checking to see if I’m following along. “And I’d never want to put anything in place that would make my relationship with him harder.” Trent swallows and looks away. “Like what if you got remarried at some point? I don’t have a legal or biological claim to Amir at all.”
I want to tell him that I’m never going to get remarried, but the truth is that having Trent around, the support he’s given me, has been nicer than I expected. I’d forgotten what it was like to be with a partner who was truly an equal, and he is. There’s no task too big or too small for him around the house, with me, with Amir.That’swhat I’d want, if I were to ever do it again. And I understand how rare it is to have this. Even admitting all that in my head makes me a bit queasy.
“If we have a baby,” I say, “you’d be around no matter what. Right? You said you’d be involved in the baby’s life, even if we never really tell anyone the biological connection. I want you involved. It would be easy enough for Amir to have a relationship with you too, if you want.”
“Do you really think this is a good idea, Em?”
“I think he already sees you as a dad figure, and I think this is proof of it. Whether we let him celebrate you or not, he already feels that connection. Maybe already wants that bond with you…” I watch him carefully while I say the next bit. “But ifyoudon’t want that, then I think we need to consider setting more boundaries so that Amir doesn’t get confused.”
I can almost see the two versions of Trent mentally wrestling for control—the nineteen-year-old kid who made a lot of mistakes and went to jail, and the man he’s worked so hard to become since he got out.
Despite what he believes about himself, he’s not a bad role model for Amir, and if I believed that, I never would have let them get so close, I never would have wanted him to father a baby with me.
