Page 60 of Healing Hearts
Amir moves around the boat with confidence, not at all concerned about the rocking, to get to the front. I sit at the back, facing Trent, and he’s got the fishing stuff at his feet and the oars in his hands.
Then the worker at the dock pushes us away, and Trent begins to row.
Last time, I was too keyed up to take in the view, but every time Trent rows, his muscles flex in the most appealing way. Watching Trent makes me wish Amir wasn’t here. Sex in a boat might not be the best experience, but it’s one I find myself craving the longer Trent rows.
Last week in my room, having sex without a clear purpose, the floodgates of my desire opened. Not that I’d been keeping a particularly good cap on it—the vibrator had been getting a solid workout for weeks, hence the dead batteries—but it’s insane how much I want him now. All the time. Everywhere. It’s like he gave me a pill that said, “Trent,” in bold, and I’ve been unable to break the habit since.
In the house, if he moves past me, I’ve got a hand on him somewhere. Before, it was Trent with the casual touches that I took to mean nothing. Now, they mean everything, and I’m doing them too. Physical foreplay that goes somewhere if we can be quiet enough. If we can find the time and space to be together in some way.
Last week, while Amir was at jiu jitsu, I was so starved for alone time with Trent that I showed up at his office, and within minutes, he had me bent over his desk, watching myself on the security screen getting completely lost in the moment.
“Seems like a good spot,” Trent says, clicking in the oars and getting the fishing poles rigged up. “You fishing?” he asks me.
“No,” I say with a little laugh. “I’m going to enjoy the view.” And I rake my gaze over him, in case he doesn’t understand what I’m talking about.
His focus slides over me in the same way, and then he says, “Would have been too rocky.”
“Might have to try it sometime.”
“Would you?” He seems genuinely surprised.
“With how I feel right now, I definitely would.”
“What are you talking about?” Amir asks from the front of the boat.
“Getting wet,” Trent says, winking at me. “You mom thinks she’d go for a swim in this water if it got too hot.”
I laugh a little at how he’s turned what we were really talking about into a private joke only we can understand.
“Cooling off might be necessary, that is true,” I say.
Amir stands and looks into the water. “Too much gross stuff in there.”
“You’re right,” I say. “I might not enjoy it, but I’m willing to try.”
Trent leans forward so his lips are close to my ear. “You’re a naughty one.”
“Surprised?” I murmur.
He leans back and searches my face. “Actually, not really. But I like it. A lot.” He lets out a self-conscious laugh. “Probably too much.”
And that feels like the crux of our developing problem. Before, when we were keeping strict lines and boundaries, I was confident we’d be able to return to friends. Sure, it might have taken a period of adjustment, but I was certain we’d get there.
Now that the lines are blurring, that I’m practically erasing them at times, I don’t know what’ll happen when I get pregnant.
I know what I’m starting to want, but it feels scary to consider it, to even allow the idea to fully form. Trent was clear before this all started, with Lila first and then me, that he doesn’t want a relationship. This path, the one I won’t let myself consider in any detail, could lead to heartbreak, a broken friendship, a heartbroken little boy—the kind of outcome with Trent and for Trent that I’d never want. It’s not an outcome I’d want for myself and Amir either.
But to stop this slow descent into madness, I’d need more willpower than I currently possess. There’s nothing rational about what we’ve set in motion, but I can’t seem to find the motivation to draw those clear lines again, to back us up and away from danger.
“Watch the edge of the boat there, bud,” Trent says as he passes Amir a pole ready to go. “You don’t want to fall over the edge. The water looks murky and deep.”
“Yes,” I agree, staring at Trent. “Yes, it does.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
Trent
We spend the Fourth of July together at the parade and fireworks, then we come home, and I make fireworks go off for Emily in a different way after Amir is asleep.
