Page 92 of Healing Hearts
“I can understand that,” I say.
“One of the things I asked if we could focus on in therapy first was…” He takes a deep breath and swallows. “How I feel about you and Amir.”
“Okay,” I say, and his uncertain expression makes tears form.
“What I’ve come to realize is that…” He takes another deep breath, and I can see how hard this is for him, like he’s pulling the words from somewhere deep. “That two things can be true. That my ex-con past and the repercussions of that can makeyour life and Amir’s more difficult, but that it’s still possible for me to add value to your lives too. That I don’t have to…my mistakes don’t have to be worthmorethan my successes.”
“I love you,” I say, and I risk the wobble to get on my knees. The metal of the boat is cold, but I can’t stand being away from him anymore. Once I’m between his knees, I wrap my arms around his middle, and he brushes my hair away from my face.
“I love you too. So much. But I didn’t want to come back into your life if I didn’t think I could be what you need.”
In this moment, I could tell him he is exactly what I need, but I also understand he had to believe it too.
“I’ve been so afraid to go after what I wanted because of what I did and how I did it the first time.”
“What do you want?”
“You, this baby, your son. The shop. I want the life we had in your house before Dan set off a bomb in my life and blew up the stability I thought I’d found.”
“I want all of that too,” I say. “So much.” I close my eyes as tears slip down my cheeks.
He kisses them away and draws me into his chest, his chin resting on the top of my head. “I don’t have it all figured out yet, Em, but I didn’t want to miss any more time with you, with our baby, with Amir. No matter what, I’m not walking out on you again, if you’ll let me come back.”
“No matter what?” My voice is thick with tears.
“I know I hurt you,” he says, and his voice now has the same thickness as mine. “I get that now—that leaving didn’t save you, maybe created more harm than if I’d stayed. And I’m so sorry, Em.” His voice cracks, and he holds me tighter. “I love you with my whole fucking heart, and I’ve never felt this way about any woman, ever. But I didn’t think I deserved it, and I thought you deserved more than what I could give.”
“You’re exactly who I want,” I say, drawing back to frame his face. “I love every part of you, even the part that smells like motor oil.”
He lets out a watery chuckle. “I’m committed to being the best version of myself for you, if you’ll have me.”
“I haven’t met Amber, but she’s my favorite person, ever.”
“Funny you should say that,” Trent says, wiping his eyes. “She suggested we might want some sessions together.”
“I’d be honored to go with you. Truly.” I stare up at him, and gratitude and love rush through me. Part of me wasn’t sure we’d ever get this moment, that he’d ever be willing to see himself in the light I see him. To know he’s on that road, that he’s committed to feeling better, is huge. “I didn’t go when Omar died, and maybe I should have. If we’re having a baby, we should definitely make sure that our foundation together is rock solid. Unshakeable.”
He rests his forehead against mine, and his hands slide into my hair. “Have I told you how much I love you? It’s possible I might have to say it to you a hundred times a day. Now that I’ve named this feeling, it’s like…” He presses his lips to my forehead. “Every time I look at you, it’s all I can think.I love you. I love you. I love you.”
I breathe him in a for a beat, and then I say, “Why did you have to pick a boat for all this?”
“I knew if I had you out here, that I’d have no choice but to be honest.”
“Can you come down here?” I ask, sliding back a little to give him room to sit on the bottom of the boat too. Thankfully, it’s dry.
He scooches down, and I hitch up my dress to straddle him. His hands grip my hips, and we stare at each other for a beat.
“I missed you,” he whispers. “I wish I’d gotten my head together two years ago when we first met, so I was ready for you.”
“We went on the journey we were meant to,” I say, planting a soft kiss on his lips. “Who knows what would have happened if we’d been different people when we started hanging out? You could play the ‘what if’ or ‘if only’ game forever.” I rock against him, and his eyes snap to mine.
“Here?”
“You’re not going to get me all wet, are you?” I ask, kissing him again.
“I sure hope so,” he says, and he laughs against my ear before kissing a line down my throat. “Peaches. I could eat you all fucking day.”
“That sounds like a promise,” I murmur, arching into him.
