Page 33 of Forgive Me Not
Emma got up and sat next to Bligh. They watched the staggering lamb try to walk straight.
‘Phil Brown. Really?’ He shot her a probing stare.
‘I feel sorry for him, actually. He’s on the brink of losing everything. In fact I noticed some tubs of paint stacked in the barn. Could I have them for him? His shop’s exterior could do with a makeover.’
‘I guess so. I’ll drop them off tonight on my way home after work.’
‘Great. I’m packing up my stuff now, so I’ll see you later.’
‘Why don’t you wait until this evening? It’s on my way. I can give you a lift.’
For a second she sensed the old familiarity.
‘Thanks, but I’ve got to go into the village to talk to Stig about recipes for the soup run – I may as well take my stuff then.’ She stared at him. ‘You know… I remembered that other word I used to call you. It wasn’t very nice, and I’m sorry.’
‘No, it wasn’t. But you had a point. Iwasa doormat. I let you trample over me. I smoothed things over with the locals and paid your credit card bills. I didn’t even end things when I heard how you threw yourself at Dean.’
Bligh was right. He was always clearing up her mess, and the more he did, the angrier she became. In her twisted mind she’d decided his compassion was enabling her behaviour and therefore he was to blame. A proper boyfriend, she’d tell herself, would have dumped her – made her face up to her decline.
As for Dean, it was as Emma had feared – she’d made a drunken pass at the man her older sister was hoping to marry.
‘You were so strong,’ she said.
‘Or was I weak? I should have been able to keep you safe, but I failed miserably.’ He sat down again. ‘I hated myself after you left. Hated that I’d let you treat me like that. And I’d re-enact scenarios in my head. I should have refused to buy your drink. Made you face people and apologise yourself. Then maybe you wouldn’t have had to leave; perhaps you’d have finally agreed to go to the doctor. Andrea wouldn’t have been left to cope.’ He bit his lip. ‘At the time I thought I was doing the right thing, but later it felt as if everything was my fault.’
‘Bligh. Please. Don’teverthink that. There is only one person to blame and that’s me. Don’t ever change. That’s who you are – helping people, seeing the best in them. I didn’t deserve your loyalty, but other people aren’t me.’
He stood up and rubbed the back of his neck. ‘Did you ever truly love me, Emma? Because from where I’m sitting, you just used me. You said I made you feel good. Was that all it ever was? Fixer. Doormat. What about justBligh? Why did I always have to serve a purpose?’
His phone went, and he hid the flash of anger and answered it. Emma left to start packing.
Chapter 12
Emma was still thinking about Bligh’s question when she headed to Phil’s later that afternoon. Had she really been such a selfish girlfriend? Since coming off the streets, she’d asked herself that over and over again. At times it had consumed her, along with thoughts that she was the worst sister and daughter to boot. However, after treatment, she was able to tame the shame; guilt was more constructive, a sense that she’d done bad things but that didn’t make her a bad person. This was one firm message from therapy that had given her the strength to come back to Foxglove Farm.
What a relief to start letting go of the self-absorption, as if she’d been wearing blinkers that had been removed to let in a wider view, although she still felt the fear in the pit of the stomach about her last day in Healdbury and her reckless actions. She still couldn’t face dealing with that. But it wouldn’t be long now before she confessed to Polly and Alan and faced the consequences. And then all her plans to help her family would have to come to an end. But until then…
Feeling hot and sticky from the walk down Broadgrass Hill, with the rucksack on her back, Emma pulled her case up to Phil’s door.
‘I’ll be back out in a second,’ she said to Stig, who was staring at a tatty copy of one of the Harry Potter books. It was upside down. ‘I’ve found Mum’s old recipe book. There are some brilliant ideas in it.’
He gave her a thumbs-up but didn’t make eye contact. His woolly hat was pulled down further than usual, despite the smothering heat.
‘Everything okay?’
‘I’m not sure how long I can stay around.’
Emma crouched down. ‘Stig? What’s happened?’
He lifted his head. ‘That Ted, the cheesemonger, he’s just gone in to see Phil. He told me to leave by the end of the week or he’d report me to the RSPCA; said they’d say they saw me kicking the Duchess – make sure she was taken away.’ His voice wobbled. ‘I can take a lot. But lose her? Never.’
Emma stood up and took a deep breath, then entered the shop. Ted was standing at the counter talking to Phil. She put down her rucksack.
Ted ran a hand over his bald head. He’d had a little hair left the last time she’d been in the village. ‘Emma. Glad to see you looking well. Well done for turning things around.’
‘Oh. Um… thanks. Thanks, Ted. That means a lot.’
‘How’s it going at the farm?’
