Page 55 of Forgive Me Not
‘Honoured to be your rock bottom.’
‘You get it, right?’
‘Yes. Yes, I do. And you’re near the top of my list of people to say sorry to. Even though for months I felt confused. For me… what we did felt right.’
‘We were both off our heads. I cried afterwards, Emma. How could anything about that make you think it was meant to be? That I was happy with it?’
‘I wasn’t thinking about you. That’s the whole point. I was selfish. I told myself I was capable of changing you.’ Her heart pounded. ‘I’m not proud.’
‘You’d thought it through that much? I assumed you were just pissed.’ He leant back.
‘Iwas. The drink convinced me of ridiculous possibilities – told me things could be different. But that drunk Emma isn’t around any more – she was an arrogant fantasist. Remember Big John, who insisted he was related to Bruno Mars?’
A muscle flickered in his cheek.
‘Well, you were my Bruno. It was fiction, but what I thought we had – or could have had – kept me going.’
‘It felt like such a betrayal. You knew I’d only just accepted that my years of saying I was bisexual were a lie. You knew how confused I’d been – how that… that fight for identity helped turn me to drugs. And then whenIfinally accepted I was gay, you wouldn’t. You were supposed to be my friend.’
Her cheeks reddened.
‘I’m gay, Emma.’
‘I know.’
‘Do you? I like men. One hundred per cent. Have you really accepted that?’
She put her hand on her heart. ‘I promise. Yes. Everything’s so clear now. But when you used to talk about the relationship you had with that woman called Kelly, I… I thought that perhaps there was a chance for us.’
‘I told you that was a mistake, me kidding myself I could take the more easily accepted road of getting married, having kids… But you thought you knew better.’ His top lip curled with disgust.
Emma tried to explain that becoming homeless had made her feel as though she’d been stranded on an island, with no means of getting back out to sea. But then Joe had sailed in, like a lifeboat. All she’d really wanted was cuddles – that close human contact and comfort, on the most basic level – but her feelings had got out of hand. She’d started to imagine that the two of them could create their own perfect family.
‘Christ, so you even completed the heterosexual package by getting pregnant.’ He stood up and paced around. ‘Did you have it all planned?’
His words punched the air out of her lungs and she gasped, jumping to her feet. She strode over to him, fists curled.
‘Shit. Look, ignore me, Ems, I’m a dick and just in shock about the baby. I should never—’
‘You think I got pregnant on purpose? It’s not all my fault. How dare you take the moral high ground? I admit my part in it, but sometimes you kissed me first, and the sex… it wasn’t all one-way. I couldn’t have done it on my own. And you should have said something.’ She pointed her finger at him. ‘You ended up hurting me anyway. You used my friendship for your own ends and then just ditched me like everyone else.’
‘No, Emma—’
‘You think I tried to trap you? That the pregnancy was simply some sort of tactic?’ She wouldn’t have him talk about Josephine like that.
‘I think it’s time you left,’ boomed a voice. Bligh appeared from the shadows.
‘This is between me and Emma,’ snapped Joe.
‘Now!’
Chest heaving, Emma collapsed onto the bench. She bent her head and wiped her cheeks. When she looked up, Joe had gone and Bligh was sitting by her side. He waited until her shoulders stopped jerking and then draped his arm around her.
Emma groaned. ‘I handled that badly. All the mental tools I’ve gained over the last year… where did they go?’
‘I didn’t like his tone, whatever was wrong. He had no right to speak to you like that.’
‘I’ll find him tomorrow. Talk properly. He’s staying with Polly and Alan. He’s just upset.’ She closed her eyes tight for a second. ‘How’s Andrea?’
