Page 58 of Forgive Me Not
‘And I’m here for you, Joe. Any time you need help, I’ve got your back. Promise.’
‘Ditto.’
‘Will you stay around for a while?’
‘I’m visiting friends in Manchester tomorrow – perhaps we could meet up for a coffee during the day, if you’ve got the time. And there’s this old movie being shown at the Printworks…’
They walked back into the village, bought sandwiches and went to Healdbury stream with Stig and the Duchess. Stig had been chatting to Ted, who’d accepted a quote for the shop to be repaired and wanted to learn from his expertise on interior decorating. Despite her advancing years, the dog retrieved sticks from the stream with gusto. She showered everyone when she shook herself dry, like a spinning brush in an automatic car wash – just like Dash used to. Emma felt happier than she had done in ages.
It felt grown up, saying sorry, accepting apologies, talking things through and reaching an understanding – being able to promise things you knew you would stick to. She felt more… solid, in a way she never had in the old days.
She could hardly believe it. Joe had forgiven her. Knowing that gave her the strength to head back to the farm. She went around to the back door and entered the kitchen. Andrea was washing strawberries.
‘Where’s Mum?’
‘Taking a nap.’
Emma joined Andrea at the sink.
Andrea shook her head and took a sip from her mug of tea. ‘I’m fine on my own. In fact, after last night I could do with some space.’
‘I’m sorry for all the upset. I didn’t know Joe was coming.’
‘You think that’s what I’m upset about? A couple of grown men acting like teenagers?’
‘No… of course not. Look, the miscarriage – it happened at the end of my detox.’
Andrea stopped washing up and turned to face her. ‘You didn’t think to tell me when you found out you were pregnant? You didn’t think I’d help?’ she said in a flat voice.
‘It was difficult.’
‘You think me that bad a sister? I’ve been going over and over it in my mind. You really think that despite everything, I wouldn’t have been there for you and my niece or nephew?’
‘Of course I didn’t think that, but—’
Andrea picked up a tea towel. ‘This was a baby. Family.’ Her voice trembled. ‘Did you tell me about it in that letter?’
‘No.’
‘Why not?’
‘I thought it would be shocking enough to hear from me after so long, let alone with the addition of that bombshell. And in a way… what was the point? The pregnancy was over.’
The towel missed the kitchen unit and landed on the floor as Andrea let it fall. She turned to go, but Emma held her arm. Andrea shook off her hand. ‘You think you’re the only one who’s carried any guilt through all of this?’
‘I used to think that,’ Emma said, cheeks flaming. ‘But then Bligh told me he felt he was to blame. Please don’t tell me you felt like that as well. No one is responsible for my mess-ups apart from me.’
‘Easy to say. You’re not the one lying in bed at night asking yourself again and again whether it was something you did. I’m your big sister, for God’s sake – have you any idea how it felt watching helplessly as you threw your life away? Was I too intolerant? Or should I have thrown you out earlier? Was it my fault we grew apart? Was I to blame for introducing you to alcohol when we used to drink cocktails in my room? Was it to do with your father? Was it somehow my fault he never hung around?’ She leant against the sink for a moment. Eventually her shoulders sank. ‘I’m going to check on Mum.’
Emma touched her arm. ‘Please. It’s so good to be talking honestly like this. Sit down. Let’s sort this out once and for all.’
‘You still don’t understand. There is no once and for all.’ Andrea’s voice was a monotone. ‘There’s no solution. No answer. How can you expect that after everything you did? After the way you left?’
‘But thereis. I’ve learnt why all this happened. It’s down to me – my character flaws. It’s nothing to do with you or Bligh, or anyone else.’
‘Then I guess you’ll just have to work on forgiving yourself.’
‘But I love you, Andrea. I do,’ Emma said in a broken voice. ‘I’m so sorry.’
