Page 65 of Forgive Me Not
Those words would have choked her while she was on the streets. Like the idea that she was just an ordinary person rather than a celebrity in the making. The drink had encouraged her ego to see the world as she wanted, not as it was.
Bligh’s eyes widened. ‘Gay? But… the pregnancy? How…?’
Emma did her best to explain. Life on the streets was chaotic.
‘I’m my own person now, Bligh. I can sort out my own mess.’
‘You can’t, Emmie.’
She took a sharp intake of breath. He’d not called her that for so long.
‘You never could manage,’ he continued. ‘You need me perhaps more than ever now. Look… you and me… we’ve a long way to go, but I reckon it could still work out. I’ll help you move back. I’ll talk to Andrea. Now that you’re not drinking, we could go back to how things used to be.’
He wanted them to get back together? Emma sat dazed.
A few weeks ago, she’d have given anything to hear him call her by that pet name, but now it just represented the person she used to be. Bligh couldn’t see that she’d changed.
‘The thing is, Bligh, I’m not that person you knew before – not the drinking one, nor the girl you grew up with,’ she said gently. ‘It wasn’t just the drink that was to blame for my flaws.’
He scratched his beard. ‘I don’t understand.’
She reminded him of their childhood. How sulky she’d get if they raced home from school and Bligh won. Eventually he always let her win because she became so stroppy. And how he’d do her homework for her because she wasn’t good at maths. She was manipulating their friendship before she even discovered alcohol.
Bligh’s brow furrowed. ‘But we had fun, didn’t we? You were a good friend. You shared treats. Visited me when I was off school ill. You thumped John Barton for calling me names when I wore braces.’
‘But it wasn’t an equal relationship. Not really. I took more than I gave. You must have felt that.’
He glanced away.
‘The signs were always there indicating that one day I’d drink to cope with my character defects. I was broken, you know, at the end of my drinking – in pieces on the floor. Rehab helped me put those pieces back together, but in a different way.’
Bligh placed his hands on her shoulders. Told her to stop making things complicated. Yes, he admitted, it was a shock when she’d come back – he’d told himself that he never wanted to see her again. But now he wanted to give their relationship another go.
‘Bligh. No.’
‘But I still love you.’ Apparently he’d never stopped. He had denied it for months. He explained how he’d hated himself for it after everything Emma had done. Yet for weeks and weeks, every time the phone rang he’d hoped it was her. ‘We worked together, didn’t we? In the old days.’
‘No, we didn’t. It was all about me falling apart and you trying to glue me back together.’
‘And if I don’t need to do that now, doesn’t that simply mean things will be even better?’ His hands dropped as she twisted her shoulders.
‘So you’d feel exactly the same about me if I wasn’t as needy?’ Her voice softened. ‘Wasn’t that part of the attraction, Bligh? Be honest. Maybe our relationship was also connected to your self-esteem.’
His body stiffened.
‘You always had to dig me out of a problem and – for a short while, at least – I’d be so grateful. Since I’ve got better, done volunteering, helped others, I get it – I understand how good that feels. But where do we go from here if I no longer need your help?’
‘So now you’re saying I’m some sort of misogynist who only wants a damsel in distress?’
‘Of course not, but I know it hit you hard, your mum leaving. It’s bound to have had an effect. You did everything for me, Bligh. Maybe it was because you were scared that I’d leave you too.’
He stared at the floor.
‘My father going made me feel something was missing. You and I – we have a lot in common. We just dealt with our low self-esteem in different ways. I sought attention, whereas you gave it.’
He exhaled slowly. ‘Or perhaps what all this boils down to is what I said before – you used me. On your part, it was never love.’ To her surprise, his eyes welled up.
‘Look at me.’ She took his hand. ‘Getting better – getting to know myself and coming back to Foxglove Farm – I’ve come to realise that I think you’re right. I’m so sorry. I did my best. I thought I loved you, but I didn’t.’
