Page 71 of Forgive Me Not
‘Oh, Andrea.’
‘I don’t remember much else. Mum told me little things over the years.’ Andrea went on to explain how Jean-Claude had become increasingly controlling about what Gail wore and her choice of friends. How the violence had started slowly. A tap on the arm. An overenthusiastic ruffle of her hair. The first time he really hurt her was a punch to her stomach. Mum was so shocked and he was so apologetic, she gave him another chance. Over time, she started to believe him when he told her it was her fault – that she made him do it. But apparently he hit Andrea because she wouldn’t stop laughing over a joke. When he said the little girl had pushed him to lash out, Gail realised his standpoint had no logic – and that a baby screaming for a feed might be his next target.
‘But didn’t I still have a right to know he wanted to get in touch – whether I acted on that information or not?’ said Emma eventually.
‘Mum never got rid of those cards – perhaps she left them for you to find one day.’
‘But I don’t need themnow. I needed them when I was a little girl, feeling I was less valuable than every other child.’
Andrea got to her feet again. ‘No one has a perfect life, Emma. And I’m genuinely sorry about your dad, but mine actually died. There’s no hope of me ever seeing him again – at least you have that chance if you want it.’
‘I… I know, and I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—’
‘In any case, you had me and Mum. Bligh adored you. Mum worked bloody hard to give us a great childhood – and now she needs us to take care of her. Surely you aren’t going to hold this against her?’
Emma scrambled to her feet as well. She threw her arms in the air. ‘Since I opened those envelopes last night, I just feel so betrayed. I can’t help it. Mum must have known how badly I needed the validation of knowing I had a father who cared, or at least acknowledged my existence. And all these years she’s been carrying this secret.’
‘Then now you know how Bligh and I feel,’ Andrea said in a measured voice. ‘Forgiving isn’t so easy, is it? You’ve waltzed back into our lives expecting us to say that we understand. That we’ll forget what happened in the past. Now you know what it feels like to be hurt irrevocably by someone you love. How difficult it is to understand how they could do that.’
Emma didn’t blink. Hardly breathed. Stood completely still.
Her sister was right.
The lack of eye contact from Andrea, the rage simmering still in Bligh, the perpetual distance of some people in the village, all despite Emma’s new outlook and lifestyle …
Finally she understood.
Chapter 25
A week later, Emma had upped her daily readings and meditation and fitted in two meetings. Yet she’d started to isolate. Hardly chatted to Stig. Avoided eating with Phil.
She had spent so many years hating her dad, and now she felt confused. She almost said no when Rachel texted her early on Saturday asking if she wanted to meet in Manchester for afternoon tea. But she could tell her friend needed to talk, and so reluctantly she agreed, though not before checking with Andrea, half hoping there would be some urgent job that needed doing on the farm.
‘We can manage,’ said Andrea, and gave her a curious look. ‘Polly’s coming over to spend some time with Mum.’
So at three o’clock, Emma and Rachel met in the popular Northern Quarter. They chose an unobtrusive café famous for its old-school decor. The furniture was worn, with holes in the upholstery and scratches on the tables. The staff wore uniforms and wrote down orders using pens rather than digital keypads. The smell of toasted teacakes hung in the air. Couples flirtatiously shared cake and children slurped from straws. Delicate floral crockery enhanced the vintage feel.
‘Just look at the size of these teacups,’ said Rachel. ‘My gran has some like this. They provide only a mouthful compared to a Starbucks grande.’
A young waitress arrived with a three-tiered silver cake stand loaded with crustless ham and cheese finger sandwiches, scones bursting with cherries and an array of sponges.
‘Well that’s today’s healthy eating out the window,’ said Rachel, and grinned.
‘You look really great. You put me to shame with your jogging.’
‘It’s more like fast walking at the moment.’
Emma managed a smile.
‘After you.’ Rachel jerked her head towards the food.
‘I’m not really hungry,’ said Emma. Reluctantly she took a cheese sandwich.
‘Everything okay?’
‘My appetite’s just off. So, why did you want to meet up? It’s lovely to see you, of course, but I sense there’s a reason.’
‘Nothing gets past you. It’s this coming Monday… I’m a bit – read that asa lot– nervous.’
