Page 77 of Forgive Me Not
She glanced across the room at Bev, who winked.
Everyone murmured, ‘Well done.’
‘At one point I never believed that day would come. I thought stopping my bad behaviours was all there was to it, but I soon realised that staying stopped was the real challenge. I detoxed, had my treatment, but knew I would need something else to keep me on the straight and narrow – and that’s been this fellowship. I certainly couldn’t have done it on my own.
‘That’s not to say I didn’t have my doubts about you all at the beginning.The first drink’s the worst? What rubbish was that? And when you all said you never had drinking thoughts any more – Iknewyou were downright lying.’
A few people chuckled.
‘But here I am, and… a few of you know this, but I’m going home in two weeks, to try and make amends. I’m nervous – a letter of apology I wrote has already been returned unopened – but I’m hoping my family will give me a chance when they see how much I’ve changed.
‘On my way here tonight, I walked past a homeless man. He was out of it, an empty bottle by his side.’ She looked at Bev, who nodded encouragingly. ‘Some people are lucky and get here before having all the “yets”. They haven’t lost their partner yet. Their kids yet. Their job yet. I lost everything I had, but it’s not the tangible things that unite people like us – it’s the feelings we relate to.’
Grunts of agreement.
‘Inside I’d hit my rock bottom and was hanging onto my sanity by a fraying rope. A rope I sometimes wished would curl around my neck. The only thing that kept me going was the whoosh of the first mouthful of drink that made me feel invincible.
‘Nowadays I don’t wake up to the crazy inner narrative. It’s a Friday night and I’m glad to be sitting here, amongst you lot, instead of lying comatose on the street. You’ve all helped me stick to the Twelve-Step Programme… being part of this group has given me continued strength and is one of the reasons I am able to try to put right the wrongs of my past. So thank you. I’ll leave it there.’
‘Thanks, Emma,’ everyone chorused.
‘Great share,’ Rachel said an hour or so later after the meeting ended. People were clearing mugs and starting to put away the chairs.
‘At least my body doesn’t shake any more when I speak in front of everyone.’
Rachel hugged her. ‘So… you’re off soon. Best of luck. Keep me posted.’
Emma nodded.
‘And remember – if things don’t pan out as you expect…’
‘I know. I have to accept the things I can’t change.’
‘It is the most challenging thing ever, to look back on our behaviour and acknowledge that we can’t turn back the clock. I wish I could get back all the times I never gave Mum the benefit of the doubt, so easily casting her as the villain – but I can’t.’ She rummaged in her jeans pocket and pulled out a shiny gold metal disc. ‘I got you a small gift.’
Emma’s face flushed as she accepted the one-year sobriety coin.
‘It’s a little early, so put it away somewhere safe until your date arrives.’ Rachel smiled. ‘And don’t forget what’s written on the front.’
Emma didn’t need to look. ‘To Thine Own Self Be True,’ she murmured.
‘Yes. We don’t need to impress or worry about fitting in any more, do we?’
‘No, thank goodness. All I can do is be myself – I hadn’t done that for a long time before I finally left Healdbury.’
‘Whatever happens back at the farm, keep listening to your conscience that tells you the difference between right and wrong; the good voice you ignored before. As long as you keep that happy, then you’ll be all right.’
‘Simple, isn’t it? But I could never have worked that out for myself.’
‘Me neither.’ Rachel slipped into her light jacket. ‘You’re a strong woman, Emma. I know that. Everything will work out. Take care, darling. I’m here for you, no matter what.’
‘You too.’
A while back, Emma had told Rachel about the car accident and Ned. Her friend hadn’t judged or acted shocked. Instead she’d sat quietly and let Emma talk through her concerns. They’d discussed how she could satisfy that voice of conscience and kept coming back to the same conclusion – she could no longer keep this secret.
Now Rachel looked at her watch. ‘Idris will be waiting, and I’d better go or I’ll miss Graham Norton on the telly.’
‘Living life on the edge, eh?’ said Emma, and smiled.
