Page 17 of Knowing You
‘Takes one to know one. Look how orderly your food cupboards are; how your books are shelved in alphabetical order. And it’s obvious you put everything into your job to push your career forwards.’
It’s true. Nothing less than A grades would satisfy me at school, even though Mum said I worked too hard. I’d been in awe of Uncle Kevin as a child. How his world was so much bigger than Mum’s. I set my heart on widening my horizons. Going to a top university. Getting a great job. A tidy room means a tidy mind, Mum used to say, and she was right. Often, when she worked late, I’d spring-clean the whole house. Then I could rest my mind and finish homework, do extra reading and plan out strict timetables for revision.
Irfan always praises my attention to detail and I’ve never really thought about it before, but in my own way I’m not unlike Bella – I want to be and do my best.
Truth be told, I want to bethebest.
‘I’m no stranger to heartache, you know,’ says Bella.
I sit down next to her.
‘My ex cheated too.’
That makes me feel better. I wonder if anyone has ever cheated on Beatrix. Somehow I can’t imagine it.
‘I felt like such a fool. I thought we’d be growing old together – had constructed the whole story in my head. We’d get married, barefoot, on a beach in The Maldives. Our kids would have ginger hair like him – a boy and a girl, twins so that I’d only need to give birth once. When I found out he’d slept with our neighbour, I felt humiliated to think I’d planned our future in such detail.’
‘I was the same. Lenny and I were going to be legends in publishing. I imagined us married for fifty years and the industry lauding the union of such a successful agent and editor…’ I sigh. ‘So how did you cope?’
‘I made even more effort at the gym, got my hair re-styled and revamped my make-up. I cut out processed foods. Plus I worked all hours at the spa and got a pay rise and permission to build my own client list so that those customers had continuity. It was my idea and the boss loved it. Believe me, I made sure my ex would regret what he’d thrown away. I bumped into him a couple months later, at a pub where we used to hang out. I was with the girls, celebrating my success at work.’
I take off my new belted trench coat and drape it over the back of the sofa. ‘What happened?’
‘He sat at the bar staring. Eventually he came over, just as everyone toasted me. You should have seen his face. He looked like a little boy who’d lost his favourite toy.’
‘What did he say?’ My stomach flutters.
‘That I looked even better than usual – the actual word he used was stunning. He was so fickle, he kept shaking his head and then tried to win me back. Said he’d made the biggest mistake of his life – that our neighbour wasn’t half as driven as me and not the sort of woman he wanted to spend his life with.’
‘That must have felt so satisfying, to knock him back.’
Bella stands up and stretches. ‘Yes, but to my surprise I let him down gently. By that stage I no longer felt the desire to hurt him. My confidence was back. I just felt sorry for him; said I’d moved on and wished him well. But I felt calm inside – as if I’d achieved a degree of closure.’
That makes sense. Sometimes I lie awake at night, thinking about what Lenny has done, and it feels like the rushed bad ending to a novel – as if more chapters need to be written to properly tie up all the loose ends; to present me not as the victim but as a strong, self-reliant woman.
‘Just think about that article in yesterday’s newspaper about people to watch in the publishing industry…’ Bella reaches down to touch her toes.
‘It listed Beatrix as a perfect role model for young women.’ And she is for me – or was. My jaw clenches. But not anymore.
‘If only people knew what she was really like. I don’t care how much she’s achieved, she’s no role model if she ploughs through other women’s lives to reach for her own means. At the very least, she slept with your boyfriend whilst he was still living with you.’
Bella stretches her arms into the air. I’ve never exactly heard her badmouth friends or colleagues or family and we’ve talked a lot, but she has a sharp edge if there’s the hint of injustice in the air. Her ponytail swished vigorously from side to side when I told her about Kath’s condescending nephew. And the more I talk about what happened with Lenny and Beatrix, the higher her pitch becomes. With it, my sense of anger towards them increases, as if she’s turning up its volume.
‘Go and look in the mirror,’ says Bella.
‘That’s not my preferred activity.’
Bella gives a mischievous smile. The more I get to know my new friend, the harder she is to resist.
Take last weekend. My clothes had become even baggier. Turns out I’m now a large size twelve. Bella insisted we go clothes shopping, which is an activity I’ve never enjoyed. I usually just head straight into M&S and stay there. But she insisted I should be more adventurous, so, heart pounding, I ventured into several boutiques. It wasn’t as bad as I thought. With the music blaring, I felt less conspicuous and picked up several items for work and new jeans, all tighter than my usual style. Bella tried on clothes as well. I enjoyed giving her my opinion and listening to her advice. For fun we tried out platform boots and posed in wedding hats. I also looked in the window of a hair salon. Bella reckons my brown hair would look great with blonde highlights.
Reluctantly I get to my feet. It’d been a busy day at work. Bella yawns. She’s always more tired when her day includes doing lots of massages. I head over to the mirror above the fireplace. Bella stands next to me. I look from her face to mine. Perhaps if I paid more attention to fitness, my face would have more shape – more character, like hers. Her cheekbones and defined jaw line are two striking features that made her look like a determined, assertive person.
I’ve never been bothered about my looks before. Not in such detail, anyway. I believe in being smart and making the best of myself but I have no interest in contouring my face or having my eyebrows threaded. I don’t really see how that can make me a better or happier person. Or at least I didn’t before. Bella is raising doubts.
‘You’ve got amazing eyes,’ she says. ‘One’s slightly bluer than the other.’
The only people to ever have noticed that are Flint, Mum and Uncle Kevin.
