Page 27 of Knowing You
I think back to the hours we spent under the duvet. I never felt shy but always thought it was the emotions that mattered, not the mechanics or positions. Should I have tried to spice things up? Has he had an affair before? Was he only with me because I had a nice flat?
My insides crumble like a dry leaf screwed up in the middle of his hand. Flossie moves nearer as if she knows I’m upset. She pushes against my side and purrs. I take a moment before clicking into his conversations with Casey Wilde. There is just one message: Lenny welcoming him to Facebook and Wilde giving him a new email address he’d just created.
An email address. What if I wrote and told him how much I’d enjoyedAlien Hearts? I wasn’t meant to have seen the manuscript, but why should I protect Lenny anymore? Heat flushes through my limbs and for just one second, I consider throwing the laptop across the floor as I think of the photos of Lenny’s arm draped protectively aroundher.My heart thuds and I take a deep breath. He would have to finally grow up and take responsibility for giving me an unofficial sneak peek. I copy the email address. Just in case.
Now I can’t stop myself scrolling through all of Lenny’s messages. One from his mum was written just after I first met his family. She says I’m a lovely girl. I sit a little straighter and click into another from his brother, dated the same day. He says I’m not Lenny’s usual type.
Lenny replies.
Looks aren’t everything.
Is this proof Lennyneverfound me attractive? An indignant spark burst into flames in my chest. Howcouldhe talk about his girlfriend like that? I log out of his account and go into Outlook. Without hesitation, I open a new email and paste in Casey Wilde’s address.
I’m just about to type when there’s a tap at my front door. I put the laptop to one side, get up and open it.
‘Kath. How are you?’
‘Okay, love. There’s nothing much on the telly and I wondered if you fancied a game of Scrabble. Violet?’
‘Sorry. My mind was elsewhere. Come on in.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘To be honest, I could do with the company.’ My throat catches as I shut the door.
‘Everything all right?’
I screw up my eyes. I don’t do crying. Not since we lost Uncle Kevin. Nothing seemed as bad in comparison. Not until now. I loved Uncle Kevin. I loved Lenny. In different ways, they’ve both left. But I’m a grown-up now. I should be able to cope. Mum going to bed all the time after the Twin Towers didn’t do her any good. Just because Lenny and I broke up doesn’t mean I can’t carry on as normal.
We sit down on the sofa and I snap the laptop shut.
‘Just ignore me,’ I say to Kath. ‘I’ve had a tough week at work. How about I put the kettle on and—’
She squeezes my hand. ‘It’s okay. You don’t have to explain. I just worry about you, that’s all. For the last month or so… I don’t know… something seems different.’
‘Things are. I am.’
‘How?’
‘I don’t know, more confident, better than I was before. Bella’s been really good for me.’
I head into the kitchen and put the kettle on. When I come back out, Kath has stood up and is peeking into Bella’s room. She will see the make-up laid out smartly on the dressing table and a stack of celebrity magazines. The Jack Vettriano print on the wall of a stylish couple walking along the beach. And a couple of pairs of really high heels in the corner of the room. Bella and I are the same shoe size. I tried them on once and was amazed at how much slimmer my legs looked.
I head back into the kitchen and clear my throat to distract Kath. I wouldn’t want her to know I’d caught her looking. I don’t blame her. She must be curious.
When I come back out with coffee, Kath is back on the sofa.
‘So, this Bella... She’s making things better?’
‘I’m so glad I’ve got to know her. She’s tidy. Disciplined. A real inspiration. And tough – she doesn’t let anyone mess with her. And what she doesn’t know about style…’
‘That’s important?’ Kath cocks her head to one side.
‘Yes. I realise that now. In the past I’ve always gone for comfort first.’
‘Like me.’
‘And there’s nothing wrong with that – but I work in the publishing world. Bella has helped me see that I need to be savvier. You know how passionate I am about my job. I work as hard as possible and can’t do anything else on that score. A new image could really push my career forwards that extra mile.’ I doubt Beatrix lost many authors. Would Gary have left if I had her slick business reputation? No.
