Page 47 of Knowing You
‘My Uncle Kevin believed the same.’
I take out my purse to pay for the cut and blow. He waves it away. ‘Okay, then takeout is on me.’
He rings Beatrix. I hear him mutter something about feeling too tired.
He’s turning down an evening with her to be with me.
I call Pauline. She can’t hide the disappointment in her voice. But it’s a night for me to put myself first – a concept the old Violet Lenny cheated on would have struggled to comprehend. We go upstairs shadowed by Luna who goes straight to her bowl by the fireplace. Casey lifts up a packet of biscuits next to it and shakes out some of the contents.
‘This is lovely,’ I say and study the full bookshelves. A carpet hangs above the mantelpiece. It’s of an elephant and is covered with sequins. The light in the middle of the ceiling doubles as a fan and with sun rays invading the small living room and the African art pieces dotted across the room, I feel as if I’m abroad, somewhere exotic. Casey lights a joss stick and straightens the linen cushions on the compact burgundy sofa.
‘It’s home,’ he says and goes into the kitchen. ‘I’ve been lucky enough to travel widely and try to reflect that in the decor. It lends me a sense of freedom that is easy to lose in a city as busy as London.’ The living area is open plan with two rooms leading off it, presumably the bedroom and bathroom. He pulls open the fridge door and takes out a bottle of wine. ‘Chardonnay or would you prefer a cup of tea?’
‘Wine would be great. Thanks.’ I feel nervous. We’re alone for the first time, not in a cocktail bar or park or salon. All I can think of is the way his hands massaged my head. Legs feeling shaky, I stand up and walk over to the kitchen. The words Shrinking Violet tease me in my head.
What would Bella do?
This isn’t a difficult question to answer. She’s the woman who stood up to her parents at eighteen and told them university wasn’t for her. She’s backpacked around Thailand – that trip widened her interest in wellbeing. Bella takes charge.
It’s time I became more assertive in all areas of my life.
I take the bottle from him and place it on the work surface behind.
Is this a mistake? Should I sit and chat with him first?
No. The new me wastes no time in chasing her goals. She doesn’t react, she acts.
And there’s just something about his eyes, the curve of his mouth, the richness of his voice… there’s a chemistry between us that makes me feel like I’m about to explode.
Our lips part. Casey’s hands trail the zip down my back. He intoxicates me. Casey steps back and stares into my eyes. He curls his fingers around mine. I lead him into the living room. He looks towards a door – behind which is his bedroom, I presume – and back at me. I nod. We’re in there within seconds and he pulls back the slate grey duvet. I smile as we kiss again and drape my arms around his neck. Clumsily I pull him downwards and we fall against the soft sheets.
With a building sense of urgency, I tug his shirt out of his jeans and undo the buttons. I inhale his smell. It’s heady and masculine. It drives my hands over his bare chest. I imagine his doing the same to me.
But what if experienced Casey tears away the packaging and recognises that the real me is a frumpy misfit? What if I don’t come across as worldly-wise as an attractive woman should?
Since when did sex become so angst-ridden? Now there are expectations to meet. I’d never really appreciated before how in some ways, it used to be easier just being me. What you saw was what you got. That left no room for disappointment.
I push him away instead of the negative thoughts.
‘Vi?’ He sits up. His breathing is laboured.
‘I’m sorry, Casey. I can’t… you see—’
He brushes dyed blonde locks out of my face. ‘I guess we are rushing things.’ He runs a finger over my lips. ‘Perhaps we should have stuck to pizza instead.’
I wish the duvet would swallow me whole. It didn’t take much to persuade him to stop. My fears are right. I don’t turn him on.
‘Ham and pineapple?’ he says and tucks in his shirt.
I jump up and slip my shoes back on.
‘No, no, sorry – actually I ought to go to Pauline’s meal. I feel bad for letting her and the others down.’
Casey rubs the back of his head. ‘Right. Okay. You’re sure?’
I give him a quick kiss on the cheek without meeting his gaze. Feeling like an inexperienced teenager, I hurry outside and put my sunglasses on. Vision blurred, I almost collide with someone walking towards the salon. It’s Beatrix, carrying takeout and a wine bottle.
2001
