Page 50 of Knowing You
‘Don’t worry. And I’m grateful for how far you’ve got me.’
She stands up. ‘Come on. Let’s walk down the road together.’
‘I just can’t face going in today. Farah won’t give up – she was trying to push chocolate on me yesterday. Irfan’s cross at the way I spoke to her, but why should I be bullied into eating something I don’t want?’
‘You know what? Take the day off work, then.’ Her voice becomes softer and she rubs my back. She always seems to know exactly what to say. ‘Farah and Irfan don’t understand you. Not like I do. Take a day to get your head together again. It’s not as if you regularly ring in sick.’
‘I never have. Not once.’ What a mug. I bet Beatrix did if she’d still got a lover in bed or had been partying too hard.
‘Whatever you think, it sounds to me as if Casey is really into you. Why don’t you text and arrange another date?’
I don’t meet her eye. She gives me a hug. Says she’s proud of me for sticking with the programme.
Bella’s a great friend. In fact... she’s my best. No one understands me quite like her. We say goodbye and with a sigh I drag myself back indoors and am about to take the stairs up to my flat when the lift opens.
‘Aren’t you going in the wrong direction?’ says Kath as she walks up to me.
I take out my keys. ‘I’m not going in today. I wasn’t well last night. It was optimistic getting up early and changed. In fact, I must ring Irfan. Have a good day.’ I hurry up the stairs. A wave of relief washes over me as I close my flat door behind me and sink onto the sofa. I text Irfan.
Not well. Apologies. Hopefully in tomorrow. Violet.
He replies.
Thank you for letting me know. I’ll try to smooth things over with Felicity.
Irfan didn’t sign off with his name or ask what was wrong or wish me well getting better.
Shit. Of course. I was meant to attend a brainstorming meeting Felicity only holds twice a year where staff air their ideas on how to improve the company.
I sigh and change into my pyjamas and crawl back to bed. Is this what a duvet day is? I’ve never had one before.
I lay there, stomach gurgling. I placate it by drinking a glass of water. My phone bleeps. It’s a text from Casey asking me how my pub meal went. I can’t face replying at the moment. I just want to be on my own where no one can see me and put pressure on to eat or not eat. I fall into fitful sleep and am woken up several hours later when Flossie jumps onto the bed.
She reaches my neck and gently pats my mouth with her paw.
‘I’m sorry, Flossie,’ I whisper, ‘if I’ve neglected you over recent weeks. I’ve just been busy, trying to move my life forwards. Do you miss Lenny?’
Flossie closes her eyes as I tickle behind her eyes.
‘I don’t. Not anymore, but I do miss the comfort of having someone in my bed. I miss being held in front of the telly. I miss holding hands as I walk along the street. But most of all, I miss feeling as if I am part of something that matters.’ I stop scratching her head. ‘I’m trying so hard to be the best possible version of myself – successful at work, be polished – but if I’m honest…’ My voice breaks. ‘It can be a lonely business. No one seems to get it apart from our new flatmate.’
The doorbell rings. I panic. Who is that? There was no way I can face seeing anyone. Not in this state. I get out of bed and wrap my dressing gown around me. I pad to the door. Perhaps they’ll go away.
I don’t want to see anyone.
I don’t want anyone to see me.
I don’t want to talk.
I don’t want to laugh and joke.
Go away.
Leave me alone.
I’m safer on my own. I can’t be judged. I can’t be hurt.
And even though I miss having a partner, I don’t need anyone.
