Page 69 of Knowing You
We had been talking less. But I still loved him.
‘Our relationship, it was the best I’ve ever had, Violet. It was. But I just didn’t feel the same anymore. That made it easy for me to cheat. I’m not proud, but that’s the truth.’
‘But I logged into your Facebook account to get Casey’s contact details. I saw your messages. You told Beatrix sex with her was the best you’d ever known.’ I realise Lenny is holding my hand and take it away, even though I feel like I’m drowning in confusion.
‘Oh Christ. You should never have seen that. Violet, I’m sorry. I just got carried away. Looking back, our relationship was pretty shallow. I said things like that which I never really meant.’
‘What about the messages with your brother after he first met me? You told him looks aren’t everything.’
Lenny looks puzzled. ‘So? I meant it. My brother’s only just turned twenty and, well, let’s just say he’s yet to realise there is more to beauty than the supposed perfect hourglass figure. I said that because you’re a real woman. A real woman I always loved for being different, unique, gorgeous. You must have realised that.’
I screwed up my forehead. He’s right. I did. Until listening to Bella gave rise to doubts.
‘What about birthday and Christmas gifts? You always just grabbed the same vouchers and chocolates.’
‘Vouchers? Chocolates?’ Lenny rubbed his forehead. ‘But you always seemed so happy with those and said they made the perfect gift.’
And they had. It was Bella who made me think otherwise – that Lenny was lazy when it came to me, and thoughtless.
Bella.
‘But you never used to introduce me to your friends.’ Not like Casey did.
Lenny shrugs. ‘You aren’t – weren’t – the most social animal. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I thought you’d prefer things that way.’
I stare into my lap. My hands shake and suddenly my wrists look really small.
‘But why, Lenny? Why didn’t you tell me all this when we split up? I asked for more of an explanation, but you kept brushing me off.’
‘I admit, I was a coward. I couldn’t face breaking up with you before Valentine’s Day. I was going to do it straight afterwards. But talking it all through… I just couldn’t face it. I’m sorry. It was the least you deserved.’
I don’t know what to say.
‘But we had fun, didn’t we? Moving in together? Cooking? Those Sunday mornings in bed? I’ll always have fond memories.’ His voice wavers. ‘You were my first love, you know?’
You were mine too.
‘You didn’t just move in with me to get cheap rent?’
‘You really believe that?’ Lenny stands up and paces the yard. ‘I know I’ve been a shit about the way I left you, but have you always had so many doubts about the way we were?’
No. Not until my new flatmate moved in. Not until she explained how things were and made me realise how people have walked over me. So, I’ve followed her plan to the letter to regain my self-esteem. But it hasn’t worked. Most of the time I feel like crap. I recall Kath’s words. She called Bella a parasite.
I’ve lost friends.
I’ve lost me.
I’ve lost sense of what me and Lenny meant.
‘Remember that holiday you paid for, when I was skint?’
Numbly I nod.
‘We got a cheap week in Barcelona and you had a go at me over my male pride. You insisted on paying and I didn’t like it. But we talked it out and you made me realise that if it was the other way around, I’d do the same – that it was just due to financial circumstances and nothing to do with me failing as a man.’
‘So what?’
‘I couldn’t afford the rent when you bought the flat. We both knew that. I didn’t want to be a dick like I was over Barcelona – so I thought I’d be the one to suggest me paying less and make it easier for you. And I was also mad keen to live with you, for us to share a bed together every night.’ He sits down again and shakes his head. ‘What’s happened? What’s got your thinking so screwed?’ His eyes run over my body. ‘You look so… I’m really concerned.’
