Page 70 of Knowing You
‘You aren’t supposed to be concerned,’ I say angrily. ‘You’re supposed to be widely jealous. Enthralled. That’s how Bella said things would turn out.’
‘Who’s Bella?’
‘She… she’s…’ I gasp for a moment as if I’m about to have a panic attack. Lenny. Casey. Kath and Farah. The Book Club. I can’t take it anymore.
‘Why have you and Beatrix broken up?’ I croaked.
He broke eye contact. ‘You were right all along. I should have listened. At first, we got together because of a powerful, mutual attraction, but when that started to wear off, I sensed that Beatrix felt that waning of passion too. But by then she knew about my job and was only staying with me to try and sign Casey. I had it out with her. After a long argument, she confessed as much.’ He held me close. I felt his hand brush over my spine. ‘Christ, I’m so sorry, Violet. For everything. I had no idea—’
Half-heartedly I push him away.
‘You were my best friend for so long. My lover. You deserved better. What can I do to help? You name it.’
Am I in some parallel universe where Lenny is full of affection and respect for me?
His voice wavers. ‘I’ll do anything to make it right.’
Hot, emotional tears that have percolated for months trickle down my cheeks. My shoulders start to shudder. A lump rises in my throat and ejects the words I’ve held back for so long. They come out as a wail.
‘I want Uncle Kevin. I want him back. I still do. Get rid of the nightmares, Lenny. I can’t stop him jumping. He looks so sad and there’s nothing I can do.’
Quickly Lenny takes off his jacket and wraps it around my shoulders. I wipe my eyes and black kohl streaks across the back of my hand.
Lenny’s face has gone white. ‘He’s always sounded like such a great guy.’
‘He was my hero. And then he disappeared. There was nothing I could do about it. Nor could the police. Or the firemen. And Uncle Kevin couldn’t save himself. You were my hero too, Lenny. I didn’t know I needed saving until we met. But you opened up a part of my heart that for so many years felt safer to keep closed.’
Lenny takes a handkerchief out of his trouser pocket and passes it to me.
‘At least I had Flint to see me though when I was at school. And now my flatmate Bella.’ Even though I’ve developed doubts about her, she’s all I’ve got.
‘Who’s Flint? You’ve never talked about him before. And this Bella. Would it help if I call her? At least let me do that.’
‘No!’
I give Lenny back his jacket. It feels scary to let down the guard Bella has helped me build. What if I get hurt again? I let in Casey and now I’m paying the price.
But I won’t let Lenny ring Bella. Her secret is mine.
Flint had a secret, too, that I kept – just like I’ve kept Bella’s. And Mum killed him when she found out.
Killed him with no regrets.
Ended the existence of a boy who was nothing but loyal and funny and sweet, who thought I was good enough and the perfect fit.
I won’t let the same thing happen to Bella.
Despite the things my flatmate might have got wrong, without her I’m nothing.
2001
Me and Flint arrive at the foot of the treehouse. My stomach feels screwed up like an empty crisp bag. As expected, it has been easy to slip out of the house. Mum came upstairs and read me a story before turning out the lights. Even though I hate her at the moment for trying to stop me seeing Flint, I gave her a really big hug. I wanted to tell her I loved her but couldn’t quite manage that. When my watch said it was fifteen minutes later, I got dressed, grabbed my coat and rucksack and crept out the back door. Flint was waiting. I knew he would be. He’s always there when I need him.
It’s cold. My breath is white as if I’m breathing out smoke. That usually makes me feel grown up but right at this moment I feel like a very little girl. An owl hoots. Owls are clever. Am I? Is this the right thing to do?
‘Are you scared?’ I whisper.
Flint shakes his head and his ponytail flicks from side to side like a horse’s tail. ‘Nah. Tim is cool. This is going to be SO much fun. I’ll be a real man after this adventure. My brothers won’t be able to boss me around anymore.’
