Page 74 of Knowing You
I shrug.
‘What went wrong?’
I start slowly, but soon, word by word it all pours out. How Beatrix hadn’t chased Lenny from the start. How Casey thought I was only using him. How both ThothandAlpaca had lost the chance to publishAlien Hearts.
‘Is there any chance with Casey? What if you—’
‘I don’t think so and I just can’t face seeing him again. Not now.’
I’d forgotten what a great listener Kath is.
‘Thanks for coming by,’ I say. ‘But I’d better get back. Bella will be wondering—’
‘No.’ Kath raises her voice. ‘Violet. Stop that.’
My eyes tingle.
‘I know her secret.’
‘I don’t know what you mean.’ I lift the tea mug to my lips, hoping it hides my face. I feel sick. My pulse quickens.
‘You want me to say it?’
‘No!’ I slam the mug down on the bedside table. Tea spills over the sides.
‘That time I went in because Flossie was caterwauling—’ Kath carries on as if she didn’t hear me.
‘Speaking of which, I’d really better go.’ I twist the duvet between my fingers. ‘Flossie might be upset again.’
‘All the clothes in Bella’s room,’ continues Kath. ‘They’ve still got the labels on. The shoes haven’t been worn. The make-up is still sealed. The bedsheets looked fresh.’
‘Stop. I’m not listening. You don’t know what you are talking about.’ I pull the duvet up high and bury my face in it. A sense of dread fills my chest. The same dread that engulfed me when Mum used to take me to see someone to talk about Flint.
‘Violet, you’ve got to face this. Bella isn’t your flatmate. She doesn’t work at a spa.’
I pull the duvet away. My hands curl into fists. ‘Shut up! Yes she does!’
‘Bella isn’t real,’ said Kath, quietly. ‘She doesn’t exist.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous! Of course she does. What a thing to say. We’ve gone to the cinema together. Drunk coffee. Shopped. Laughed. She‘s taught me how to cook healthy food and shown me all sorts of websites for my new lifestyle.’
‘Is that where you first heard about Bella? On a website?’ she asks gently.
I open my mouth to remonstrate but something catches in my throat.
‘Tell me, darling. Tell me the truth. Don’t carry this alone any longer.’ Kath’s eyes glisten.
I realise my hands are covering my face.
It’s the secret. Bella’s secret, which I’ve kept for months.
‘Was she originally called Ana?’
I part my fingers so that I can see Kath through the gaps.
‘You know I used to work in mental health. For six months, I worked in the eating disorders wing. We didn’t let the patients go on the internet. The anorexics used to log onto websites that revered their illness and called it Ana, as if she were a best friend.’
I hear a whimper and realise it came from me.
