Page 75 of Knowing You
‘It’s okay, Violet. I… I understand. I only want to help. Why call her Bella?’
My hands drop. I gag. Quickly Kath passes her handkerchief. I hold it to my mouth. Bile shoots into it.
I wipe my lips and we sit in silence, the secret hanging between us, between our friendship.
The secret that I realise made me sick.
‘Ana… it sounded too abrupt and ugly,’ I whisper. ‘So I thought Anabella was more fitting – and then that give me the idea of Bella, meaning beautiful. It was perfect.’
I stare at Kath, bottom lip trembling.
Her forehead relaxes. ‘Well done, love.’
‘What for?’
‘Admitting that. Facing up to the fact that Bella, she… she isn’t real.’
I rock to and fro. ‘I want her to be. I need her. I can’t manage on my own.’
‘Oh, darling, she’s not good – you must know you’ve lost too much weight.’
‘It gives me a high and I thought looking this way would make me happy.’
‘Has it?’
At first, yes. But eventually? No. Quite the opposite.
‘I want you to think about going to the doctor. I’ll go with you, love. I can even make the appointment if—’
‘No. No, I won’t go through that again.’
‘This has happened before?’
We don’t speak for a while. Not until tears clear and I utter the F word.
‘Flint. After my Uncle Kevin died – he helped me stand up to the bullies at school. I didn’t feel so alone with him.’
Kath nods.
‘Mum played along at first. I’d invite him to tea. She’d make an extra meal. I think she was glad to see me happy. I made him up after watching a programme about children who didn’t go to school and whose parents let them do what they wanted. He was a free spirit and just what I needed.’
Another grown-up had pretended as well. Tim, the rough sleeper. Years later, Mum told me that he’d seen all sorts of mental health problems on the streets and didn’t find it difficult to play along.
‘How did it all end?’
‘With Flint’s help, I almost ran away. The police got called. Mum decided enough was enough and took me to a psychiatrist who specialised in treating children with imaginary friends.’
Kath nods again.
‘I hated it. The psychiatrist was okay at first. He said pretend friends weren’t unusual for someone of my age. But because Flint had encouraged me to stand up for myself in a way that was sometimes unpredictable and dangerous, I suppose, he agreed with Mum that more should be done to get rid of him. I was so angry. I didn’t want to let go. I know it sounds mad, but I still miss him, you know?’
‘We should never underestimate the power of the mind. It can convince us of almost anything.’
‘Mum and the psychiatrist said I was taking refuge in the friendship with Flint and that this was holding me back socially. And looking back, that was true. But he helped me deal with my grief. I was only seven. I didn’t know how to deal with losing my uncle. It felt as if Mum and the doctor had killed Flint.’
‘I remember an article written a few years after 9/11. Several children who were related to those who died in the towers suffered with mental health problems. You haven’t been alone in this.’
‘School eventually got better. In juniors, I was put in a different class. I was less conspicuous in high school and I formed a small group of friends and learned to like myself. University consolidated this with laid-back friends who liked me for me and not what I wore or how much I drank. Then Lenny. But when he left, I wanted Flint back. I know it sounds childish, but he’d been the one constant all those years ago, when I also suffered an upheaval. Bella became the next best thing.’
