Page 43 of The Summer Island Swap
‘Haven’t you picked up a vibe? Say at night, in the shack – don’t you chat about stuff? Life back home? Previous partners?’
‘Nope. There’s lots of banter. Remember Alistair and Craig are in with us too. Alistair’s in his fifties, so there’s not as much talk about dating as there might have been if it was just us three younger ones.’
I unlinked our arms and slipped one of mine around his shoulder. I pulled him close.
‘But why – if you don’t mind me asking – why the tears? I get how you must feel as if you really know him already – like you and me do – but it has only been a few days. He hasn’t rejected you. It hasn’t got to that point yet…’
Years of supporting Amy through breakups and romance problems had taught me when to recognise I wasn’t getting the full story. Like Sebastian. Rock star looks. Charisma in buckets. She’d fallen hard. I’d liked him a lot but inevitably, a man like that, he broke her heart – the day after her twenty-first birthday party as well. They split up. The two of them had looked so happy the night before. Amy had sobbed on my shoulder and just said they’d simply grown apart and it had been a mutual decision. But eventually I’d wheedled out more information – something about a stupid one-night stand.
I’d never felt so angry. But it hadn’t surprised me. Sebastian’s appealing looks and confident manner had always reminded me of Dad.
Ever since then I’d kept a close eye on her relationships and told her if I got a negative vibe. She’d get cross. Tell me heartache was all part of the risk of falling in love with people and she accepted that and dealt with it. I just couldn’t bear to see her hurt; couldn’t help giving my view.
Jonas’s shoulders shuddered. I looked sideways. A tear rolled down his cheek.
‘I only came out last summer,’ he muttered. ‘It’s been a confusing few years. I used to date women as well but it never felt right… the physical stuff…’ He squirmed in his seat. ‘As the university years passed I knew for sure that I was gay but I still went out with my best friend there, Maxi, for a little while. That relationship – my last with a woman – meant I could no longer deny my sexuality to myself. She was – rightly – furious when she found out; felt she’d been used as some sort of guinea pig. We’re only just getting our friendship back on track one year later and then I come over here…’
‘Have you dated any guys?’ I said, gently.
‘I had a brief fling with a man I met at a rally against student cuts. That confirmed everything for me. But I avoided going public – because that would have meant being truthful with my parents.’
‘Would that have been such a bad thing?’
‘I thought so. They are so straight-laced. Conservative. They wouldn’t admit it but I know they are concerned about my dreams to play music full time and would rather I use my degree and become a computer consultant. I thought me being gay wouldn’t fit the neat little image they had of their son. But it came to the point where I just couldn’t hold it in any longer.’ He bit his lip. ‘I was really scared, you know, when I finally told them? I couldn’t stop shaking, bracing myself for rejection. I remember curling my fists as if arming myself, nails digging into my palms.’
‘What happened?’
‘I should have known better. Mum and Dad were brilliant. Said they’d known for a while – so had Helga. The three of them had been patiently waiting for me to announce it myself. I’ll never forget the relief I felt – the fear draining out of me.’ He gave a wry smile. ‘You must think me a real drama queen.’
‘Of course not. I can’t imagine how big that must have felt – telling family something like that.’ I asked again. ‘So why exactly is this business with Benedikt so upsetting?’
His voice wavered. ‘Shortly after that first fling with a man, I… I think I felt some sort of euphoria about finally being on the right path. It was such a relief. It made me a little reckless. I’d had virtually zero experience at approaching other men. I liked Friedrich, on my course. We were good friends. I’d always found him attractive and wishful thinking convinced me he was gay. I told him how I felt.’ He covered his face with his hands. ‘Friedrich made it clear he was straight. I’ve never felt like such a fool in my life. I still cringe… I still feel sick about it, looking back. And our friendship was never the same again.’
‘Oh Jonas, I’m so sorry…’
‘It was utterly humiliating – almost worse because Friedrich was kind about it.’ Jonas’s hands slid away from his face. ‘I felt so stupid and it’s really knocked my confidence. I don’t think I’m ever going to meet the right man. I’ve felt so lonely over the years, struggling to come to terms with who I really am, and then once I finally do that happened…’ He sniffed. ‘I know it’s early days. It all sounds ridiculous. But I’ve just got this feeling with Benedikt – that he… he’s someone rather special. Yet he turns out to be straight too.’
‘I kind of get it. Talking to men – getting it right, that’s always been hard for me. Trusting, putting myself out there – it takes real guts to lay your feelings bare. I think you’ve been really brave.’
Jonas sat more upright and wiped his eyes.
His attraction to Benedikt didn’t sound ridiculous because I’d felt that pull towards Rick and being thrust into the rainforest meant that connections developed at top speed.
‘Look at me. Sniffling like a spoilt toddler. Sorry Sarah. I’ll get over it. It must be the alcohol. I’ve got a supportive family and I’m grateful for that.’ He sighed. ‘Hopefully this month in the jungle will toughen me up.’
‘Yes, I saw a tarantula and actually didn’t scream earlier. I now feel I could conquer the world.’
‘You must promise me, Sarah.Promiseyou won’t mention this to anyone. Not even your sister. She might tell Benedikt.’
‘I honestly reckon he fancies you. Amy said he was asking what sort of men I like. I reckon he’s as worried about us getting together as you are about my sister and him.’
‘Or you are his back-up plan if he doesn’t get Amy.’ He managed a smile.
‘Thanks!’
‘Promise,’ he said. ‘Not a single word.’
I promised, slipped my other arm around Jonas and gave him the tightest hug. He held on for a long time. I held him back. It felt good. At that moment Benedikt and Amy tumbled outside looking sweaty and tired. I caught his eye and before he could mask it Benedikt let slip the coldest stare.
