Page 69 of The Winter We Met
‘I’m always here to listen, Jess, and I’ll do whatever it takes to help Alice. Between us you and I can sort this out, even if we’re not living together – and the email…’
‘I just don’t know what to do about that,’ I mumbled.
‘Let’s go through it again,’ he said in a matter-of-fact way. ‘What will Alice gain if you tell her about it?’
‘Possibly the answers from Mum to questions she’s had for years and a chance at a new relationship with her.’
‘That counts for you too, right?’
‘I suppose. I don’t know. It’s easier to think of Gran’s needs.’
‘What if you don’t tell her?’
‘She won’t get hurt again if it all goes pear-shaped.’
He opened his mouth and then closed it.
‘What?’
‘I can’t speak for you and Alice, I can only go by my own experience, but after all this time with my parents, there’s always a degree of hurt. It’s low key and under the surface but I don’t think speaking to them now could make things any worse. The damage has already been done. So if they got in touch I’d reply.’
I hadn’t thought of it like that.
‘I never got to know either of my grandmothers, you know,’ he went on. ‘I met my grandpa, on Dad’s side, a few times when I was little. He’d wink and pass me a bag of chocolate coins, I’ve never forgotten that. I heard him arguing with Dad once and Dad saying he visited as often as he could and that he had no control over when any international diplomatic crisis might happen. I always swore to myself I’d visit Grandpa on my own when I was old enough to get public transport, but he died of a stroke when I was fourteen. I’ve got five cousins, you know. Sometimes I still wonder what they’re like. I really wanted to meet them, as an only child. Still do. But as time’s passed it’s never felt right.’
‘Perhaps your parents have reached out to family since retiring last year.’
‘I doubt it. They haven’t bothered reaching out to me. The last I heard from them was a postcard from the south of France on my birthday. They intend to live there for half of the year, I believe, near Cannes. It’s very cosmopolitan.’
I nodded. ‘I’ve never even heard you on the phone to them.’
‘They probably assume I’m as busy as they used to be. When things… went wrong for me, just before I left Birmingham and moved south and in with you, I thought that might have brought us closer but they still didn’t have the time to chat. I felt like one big disappointment and that puts me off getting in touch.’
We made our way towards the entrance to the apartment block. ‘It’s been good to chat,’ I said.
‘You’re a great listener, Jess.’
‘I don’t feel as if I am – I should have been more tolerant of your view of Nik. You were right – I hadn’t known him long. You may have been wrong but I should have trusted that you had the best intentions at heart.’
‘For what it’s worth I think he’s mad turning you down,’ he muttered.
‘Really? When I asked you if it was so difficult to believe that Nik might genuinely find me attractive – when you suspected his motives – you didn’t reply. And that’s fine but don’t say you can’t understand why he turned me down when you can.’
‘What?’ he said. The sleet fell more heavily as we escaped into the building. ‘It’s just us… we always made great flatmates, right? What if we’d dated and things didn’t work out? It could have been really awkward.’
The truth was he just wasn’t attracted to me. Neither was Nik. But I didn’t need a man to validate my life. I manage very well, holding down my challenging job and paying my own bills, going out with friends, spending time with Gran and looking after the best ever dog. That was the difference between me and my mum. I worked hard to be responsible for my own happiness and not seek it from the opposite sex. I had a life – a bloody good one at that. So what if it was time for Oliver to move out? A fresh face moving in might be just what I needed.
In that spirit it was time I got my big girl pants on.
‘I’m glad you like Krish,’ I said as we entered the flat. ‘She sounds like a good match and just let me know if you want to invite her here and I’ll make myself scarce. And if you need any help looking for a place to live don’t hesitate to ask. Right, and now I really must go to bed. I must be on form, tomorrow.’
‘Oh… okay.’ Oliver spoke haltingly. He must have been as tired as me. ‘Did you want me to come with you and Alice? My shift doesn’t start until two.’
That could have worked. We wouldn’t be more than an hour at the care home. But I needed some space to digest that Nik and I would never be an item – and that Oliver was moving on with his life.
‘It’s okay, thanks. I think you’ve helped me make up my mind – I’m going to discuss Mum’s email with Gran.’ I wouldn’t until we were back at Willow Court but it was the best reason I could think of to reject Oliver’s offer.
‘Right. I’ll take Buddy out for a long walk instead, then. Perhaps I could head into Springhaye Forest and collect some stones for Nik’s painting project – do you think he’d like that?’
