Page 58 of When We Were Friends
‘You’ve mentioned them over the years, laughed about the cases you solved. I’ve sensed how much that group meant to you, and must do still now because you told them the truth about your mum, a truth you’d only told one person, me, until your French trip.’
This was true. Oh, years ago, when Hugo had fooled her into thinking she was in love, Emily had almost told him the truth as well, but she hadn’t. Lewis was the one and only.
‘I… I haven’t told you everything.’ Emily picked up her fork and played with a splodge of cream and berries until it turned runny. She could do this. ‘How, the last few years, it’s brought everything about her back. It’s as if I’ve been taken for a mug again, like a stupid, naïve teenager, working my guts out and not being appreciated for it. That… that’s at the heart, Lewis, of why I want to leave my job. I didn’t tell you because it sounds pathetic. I’m a grown woman now, you probably think I should have got over it, but… when I think back, I still feel like that angry, devastated teenage girl.’ Her eyes darted towards him.
‘Oh, Ems… really? Right… I had no idea. Thanks. Thanks for trusting me with this.’
She bit her lip.
‘I wish you’d told me before. I… I totally get it – why it’s so hard for you to move on. What your mother did was utterly unforgiveable.’
Her shoulders relaxed. A lump grew in her throat. Of course Lewis would understand. ‘I couldn’t open up because voicing my feelings out loud would have brought back the shame, as if I’d let myself down. Many patients were lovely people, colleagues too. I’ve tried, really tried, to keep perspective, but every time a relative has shouted, every time a newspaper headline has criticised strikes… it’s made me feel worthless all over again, like I’m an idiot for letting people take advantage of me.’
‘You aren’t worthless,’ he said firmly, ‘and I owe you a huge apology. I should have worked it out.’
‘How could you if I clammed up? Perhaps the two of us should have just talked more.’ She gave a tentative smile. ‘Talking with Morgan, Paige and Tiff has given me new insight. I won’t let Mum ruin my future.’ She pushed away her plate. ‘I’ve got a plan and intend to see it through.’
He studied her. ‘You look good, Emily, as if the trip has relit your spark.’ His voice wavered. ‘One reason I left: I couldn’t bear the thought that I was making you sad, saying the wrong things, hurting your feelings.’ He took a moment. ‘I’d do anything to make you happy, Ems. Even the hardest thing of all. Leaving.’
Oh, Lewis.They gazed at each other, an unfamiliar but not unpleasant shyness overcoming her as their legs touched under the table.
Since getting back to Manchester, Emilyhadfelt more like the old her. These last few days, a strength had come back she’d never appreciated before the worldwide crisis hit. She’d tidied up takeout boxes, thrown away empty bottle of wine… and a few still full. She cleaned the house, did several loads of laundry, actually baked and for the first time, fully engaged with her therapy session. She hadn’t had a single drink – hadn’t wanted to. The prospect of a different future gave her the high her life had been missing.
‘I just wish I could have helped more – that you didn’t need to go to France to work things out.’
‘How could you? I’ve not been a patient on a stretcher with a broken foot or collar bone; mental breaks are harder to spot, harder to fix. And you have helped Lewis, I can see that now. I really value having you in my life…’
‘Emily, look…’ His eyebrows knotted together.
‘The divorce papers…’ She gulped. ‘If you really think it’s best…’
‘I don’t know!’ he blurted out. ‘My head says yes but my heart shouts no.’
‘Same here!’ Emily took his hand, almost knocking over her coffee. ‘We can work this out, can’t we? Give things another go? Put off signing the papers. Give our marriage another shot?’
‘Yes. Yes, we can. Maybe… maybe go on some dates? And if things go well… perhaps I could move back in?’
‘Smudge will be over the moon. He’s missed the way you scratch behind his ears.’
He lifted her hand and kissed the palm, then he blushed, let go.
‘Also… I realise, now Icanchange career direction, and you’ve been instrumental in me reaching that decision too, Lewis.’
‘But I’ve been telling you not to leave nursing. Whilst you were in France, Cornwall… I questioned myself over this. I’ve been so dead set on you not leaving the profession, one you excel at, I can see now that it’s been unfair of me – a hundred times over now that I know recent years brought back bad feelings about your mum.’ He stared at her curiously. ‘You going off to France like that, being totally spontaneous, it’s so unlike you.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Oh come on, Emily. You’ve eaten the same thing for breakfast ever since we met.’
‘Five blueberries and five strawberries on porridge, with a squirt of honey and dash of milk is a great start to the day.’
They grinned at each other in a way they hadn’t for months.
‘When you’re married for so long, you assume you know everything about your partner, but you just heading off like that, with your old mates, having not seen them for so long, showed there are parts of you I don’t know. Of course there are, I mean, that’s normal, right? So who am I to say what’s best for you?’
‘But you did. Sort of.’ Emily sat more upright, looking as if a surgeon had told her great news about a patient. ‘I’m going to carry on using my nursing skills – but not with humans. You know how much I’ve always loved animals? Well, talking about Mum, openly, in France, took me back to before she got ill and what I wanted to do with my life until fate played a hand and taught me the skills to look after another person.’ Her talking sped up, she could hardly contain he fizz in her stomach. ‘I’d forgotten how much I wanted to be a veterinary nurse. So you were right after all. I’m simply diversifying.’ Emily talked about one course she’d already looked into, how it would take a couple of years to qualify.
Lewis leant back in his chair. ‘Blimey. I never saw that coming.’ He grinned. ‘Jesus, Emily. It’s perfect.’ He picked up his fork and dug into the meringue again. ‘Looks like your working life is getting back on track, then. What about your friends… can you salvage any of those three friendships? Who was the least at fault for what happened?’
