Page 60 of The Promise of Tomorrow
Poor Julian. But what had this got to do with her?
‘It’s called False Memory OCD, Elena. False memories about the sufferer doing something wrong. The hit-and-run subcategory is, sadly, a popular one, with sufferers believing they’ve hit and killed passersby. For you, it’s been believing you did a terrible thing: for selfish reasons, tampering with the course of nature, risking awful consequences for your mother.’
‘OCD?’ She rolled her eyes. ‘Is that what this chat is about? Me having a mental health problem? Come on, Rory. No way. Not me. I mean… I like checking things and?—’
‘Exactly. The tendency has always been there. I did a little research – hope that isn’t overstepping – but being bullied at school might have triggered it. That phrase you told me yourgran would always say: “It costs nothing to double-check.” That probably fed into it. Gayle, your parents, they were aware of how super safety-conscious you were as a child – unusually so. It’s always struck me how safety aware you are too, even though I’ve only known you for a year. Then your routines have become heightened in recent weeks due to the stress of your approaching birthday.’
He meant to help, that much was clear, but Rory couldn’t have been more wrong.
‘I saw a documentary about OCD once,’ she said. ‘This woman had to stare at the hob for two hours, each night, to make sure it wasn’t still on. Another spent the whole of her day doing housework, terrified of dust collecting. I’ve never been that bad! OCD hugely disables people’s lives. It’s insulting to them that you think that’s what my problems have been about. A few bolts on the door and double-checking windows, that’s nothing in comparison.’ She wasn’t up all night, washing her hands; wasn’t paranoid about catching germs. Her food tins weren’t colour-coordinated. No, rational Elena had a successful career, a beautiful house. No illness had held her back.
‘Suffering for years about false guilt over exam results? Believing you’d made a reckless pact that would end your life? I’d say that’s been equally as disabling and painful.’
Elena gave him a fixed stare. In Rory’s opinion, she was seriously, mentally ill. But if that were the case, she’d never have coped all these years. ‘Look. You’re mistaken. Leave it. I appreciate the time you’ve taken looking into this, but I haven’t got OCD. I’d know if I had.’
‘Julian didn’t. Not when he was in the midst of it.’
She scrambled to her feet. ‘For God’s sake, stop, man! I’m not listening to this rubbish.’ Because accepting she had that mental illness would mean admitting that… that… she hadn’t coped at all;that the stress she’s suffered hadn’t been about saving Mum, a belief that had made the last two decades bearable. No, it would mean that the time she’d spent these last years playing it safe and worrying was down to something truly imaginary that her brain alone had created.
What a waste that would have been. What a pointless tragedy.
Rory had misjudged this completely. Elenahadbeen instrumental in saving her Mum’s life, and that was a price she’d always been willing to pay. How dare Rory try to take that away from her?
‘There’s one more thing,’ he said quietly.
Why was he doing this? Her heartbeat raced. Elena’s fists curled; her face screwed up. ‘I’m not interested in your amateur theories! You’re going too far now. This is all highly offensive.’
‘But you’ve mentioned the two words that plague sufferers of OCD.What if. What if it happened? What if I did it? The two words that eat away at any common sense and?—’
‘That’s enough! I’m leaving! Alone!’
‘Elena… I… I didn’t mean to upset you,’ he stuttered and rubbed his forehead. ‘But surely it’s good to know? Now you can get treatment and get rid of your guilt – Julian said that feeling is a massive part of it.’
Her breath hitched. Rory didn’t see her as someone who’d valiantly emerged from trauma stronger, but as someone who needed fixing, instead of a person who’d saved the life of another. ‘You can forget coming back to mine.’ Her voice trembled. ‘Your apartment’s renovation is almost completed. It’s time to move out of my place and… and’ – her voice rose – ‘take those fucking stick insects with you. I’ll pack up your stuff and bring it into work tomorrow.’
Rory winced and he stood up too. ‘Elena, let’s talk this over. Look, I’m sorry if?—’
‘Why would you inflict a mental illness on me? Does it make you feel like a bigger person, thinking that I’m nuts?’
His jaw dropped.
‘I am Elena Swan.’ Her voice shook. ‘I have a solid marketing career. I was just ten years old when I sacrificed everything to save my mum. Maybe it was selfish, maybe I risked angering some dark force, but… but I was a child, and it’s… it’s been so fucking hard for me. I am not ill. I am of sound mind. You ask anyone who’s ever known me.’ A sob escaped her lips. ‘I held my family together when it mattered, when the grown-ups were panicking about Mum dying. It wasmewho saved her and this is the thanks I get for it?’
Fist in her mouth, she ran towards the door, yanked it open and slammed it shut behind her.
39
RORY
Wow. He’d messed up big time, and Rory had moved on to gin since Elena left. The door almost came off its hinges when she’d slammed it.
What an idiot. He’d gone blundering in and arrogantly announced a diagnosis instead of simply mooting the possibility of OCD and letting Elena work things out for herself. She hadn’t even seen a doctor yet, for fuck’s sake. Later on he could have introduced Julian. His neighbour and Elena might have spoken at the party. A few days ago she’d suggested inviting him. Julian was keenly doing the social rounds at the moment, still needing homes for the thirty remaining stick insects he was looking after.
Rory sat on the floor now, leaning back against the sofa. His knees were bent and he dropped his head onto them. What a jerk. He’d never seen her so angry. Elena was always so level, about everything. A spike of pain ran through his chest at the thought of her home alone and in a state.
One way he could start redeeming himself was to get on with arranging her party. He didn’t have to be there, not if it was goingto upset her. Rory reached for his phone and tapped in a journal entry that he would write up when he got his notebook back.
Tuesday 17th December
