Page 51 of Will You Stay Another Day?
They chose one of the tables with practical seats. Lili raised an eyebrow at her plate. ‘Bacon with syrup? And the pancakes have got bananas in them?’
‘It sounds so bad that it’s got to be good, right?’
Secretly she agreed, and she cleared her plate. Dylan played around with his fork, ate one rasher and half a pancake and then pushed his plate away.
‘I ordered that meal because Harry loved bananas. And bacon,’ he said.
‘I took a chance on this dish because Em would have. Whenever we travelled, she’d be the first to try unusual foods – even fermented soybeans that looked as if they were served in dog dribble.’
Dylan wiped his mouth and put his hands, clenched together, on the table.
‘I meant it last night, I am really sorry, Lili, for lying about Harry. It’s unforgiveable. If I could take it back I would. You were right, last night, there is absolutely no excuse.’
‘You just did it so easily. There was zero hesitation. It was as if you’d planned it.’
‘I promise I hadn’t.’
‘That time I drove over, to tell you I was going to Vegas, and we ate your crumble… I told you how much I hated liars, that Em died trying to prove herself to one; I said how great it was that we were being honest with each other about the people we were missing. Yet still you didn’t fess up.’
‘I… I know. After you went, I was wracked with guilt.’
Oh. Lili thought back to that day. She’d peered through the letterbox just after saying goodbye, when the front door was shut, to push through a leaf, and she’d seen him, walking back to the kitchen. Had he been rubbing his head because he was upset?
She leant forwards. ‘But what were you thinking? You must have known I wasn’t Harry when you got those texts.’
‘Did you truly believe the texts sent to you were from Em though?’ he said, staring at his mug.
She’d wanted to. Oh, so much. But deep down perhaps… perhaps she’d known the truth, yet still she’d hung on to the fantasy. Lili tilted her head and took in Dylan’s crushed demeanour. Crushed by reality.
‘What happened to him?’ she asked, tone a little softer.
‘He went missing on a backpacking trip two and a half years ago. He’d been gone six months, keeping in touch with us, and then suddenly all contact was lost. Eventually remains were found but…’ Dylan talked about how his dad went on anti-depressants and his mum had lost over two stone. He looked up. ‘I never got to see his body, so now and then I would tell myself they’d made a mistake.’
That could have been Lili talking about Em.
‘Mum and Dad took it so badly – as you’d expect. It’s why they spend so much time in Italy now. I tried to manage the business for a year, but it all felt much harder after he died. I threw myself into work, putting on a brave face. But sometimes it felt impossible to get out of bed, as if my whole body weighed a hundred tons, as if I was lost in a dense fog or… or a maze where each corner just led to another jumble of paths. You… you must have felt the same, Lili, and I feel for you. Em sounds like a really great person.’
A lump formed in Lili’s throat.
‘I became burnt out and hired Jags. He’s one cool dude.’ Dylan exhaled, body shuddering. ‘The worst thing is… I’ve never told anyone this… Harry and I had a massive argument the day before we lost contact. He was always so spontaneous and said a friend of his was going to meet up with him and it would mean extending his trip for a while. He was supposed to be coming home soon but that plan changed. I told him that it was selfish, leaving me in charge for longer. Harry said just because I was a boring sod, didn’t mean he had to be and that if the situation were the other way around, he’d cover for me in a flash.’ He swallowed. ‘It was just one of those silly arguments between brothers. Previously, Harry had offered to help me recruit someone to help out, in his absence, but I’d insisted that I’d be fine. He said his twenties were the age to see the world and he didn’t want to look back when he was older and regret not having done it. We’re different like that. I haven’t ever had the travelling bug.’ His shoulders bobbed up and down. ‘I think that’s why I’ve struggled so much. If only my last words to him had been kind; had meant something.’
‘Like mine to Em?’ said Lili and cleared her throat. ‘“Knock him dead, bitch, and don’t bother coming home if your tongue ends up down his throat.”’
They stared at each other and a rumble of laughter rose up her throat. Dylan’s eyes lit up and the two of them started giggling, but before long, tears appeared in her eyes.
‘I haven’t told anyone this,’ she said, ‘but the worst thing for me… I knew Em had been drinking alcohol whilst taking her painkillers. I worried it was dangerous, should have said more to her. Then, perhaps, that night on the boat, she wouldn’t have drunk, she wouldn’t have fallen off and would still be here…’
‘I think guilt goes hand in hand with grief,’ he whispered. ‘Doesn’t mean it’s justified. Guess it’s a way of processing the shock; we like to think there might have been a way of preventing what happened.’
She sniffed and nodded. ‘Yes. But like my dad says, sometimes unexpected, horrible things just happen.’
Their coffees had gone cold and Lili fetched two fresh ones.
‘Even though you aren’t much of a traveller, you must be looking forward to seeing your family next week?’ she said, opposite him again, sipping her hot drink, the tension easing in her neck. ‘Where do you fly to?’
‘Naples. It’s not far from the Amalfi coast. Yes, I can’t wait. Italy’s my second home. Even though…’ A shadow crossed his features. ‘I don’t know how we got through the last couple of Christmases, without Harry. Oh, we go through the motions, opening presents, eating too much, getting a little drunk. But it’s not the same. Still. I keep waiting for it to get easier, but Harry loved Christmas. The pain of losing him runs deep, for all of us. I’d never want to relive the weeks in between knowing he was missing and the authorities finding his remains.’ He stared Lili in the face. ‘But then you know what it feels like, getting through the festive season without someone you loved so much.’
‘Yes, it was hard going up to Manchester last Christmas and visiting shops and pubs that had been our favourites. I couldn’t wait to leave. Perhaps this year will be better for both you and me.’
