Page 102 of Clear Shot
I guess I can’t blame him.
They just don’t understand.
They don’t know where I came from or understand the depth of the ugliness running through my veins.
I’m absolutely terrified that I might be wrong.
Not because I don’t love Hana.
Not because I truly believe she cheated on me.
Not because I wouldn’t give anything to have her back.
But because it would mean the baby she’s carryingismine—and passing down my genes to an innocent child is without a doubt the worst possible thing that could happen.
Chapter 35
Hana
I wakeup on my final full day in the US with a feeling of resignation.
So many memories and an equal number of regrets.
My hopes and dreams have all gone up in flames and though I’ve put on a brave face, I’m terrified of what the future holds. Going back to Slovakia isn’t the end of the world. I have friends and family there, I’m familiar with the language and the culture, so that part of it isn’t a concern.
But going through pregnancy without the baby’s father at my side? That was never in the plans.
Living in a city with limited professional opportunities is going to be challenging.
Dealing with judgmental family members will get annoying, but at least I was technically married when I got pregnant. That goes a long way with small-minded people. I’m not telling anyone there the truth other than my father, stepmother, andgrandmother. Everyone else will think that the marriage simply didn’t work out.
My biggest regret will be not being around to watch Joanna and Anderson—and all the other children our friends are having—grow up. Johan and Sloane will visit, of course, and I’ll be able to come here on holiday as well, but it won’t be the same.
Nothing in my life will ever be the same.
I’m going to be a single mother, something I never wanted.
Johan assures me that Aiden will pay child support, but I didn’t ask a lot of questions because at this point money will be useful but won’t soothe the emptiness in my soul. Every ounce of joy is gone, and it feels like it will never come back. I know that’s probably not accurate but right now there’s a sadness inside of me that feels unending. I’d go so far as to describe it as depression, something I’ve never experienced before, and I suddenly have a better understanding of what Aiden goes through.
As angry as I am at him, I wouldn’t wish this emotional darkness I currently feel on anyone, and certainly not the man I love.
It’s hard to reconcile how much he’s hurt me with how much I love him, but the two things appear to be possible simultaneously.
It would be so much easier if I could hate him. If I didn’t lie in bed at night thinking about the laughter we shared, the motorcycle rides…the way he made me feel safe during the hurricane. His kisses. The sound of his voice. All the plans we made.
All of it gone in the blink of an eye.
Other than my clothes and personal items, the only thing I took from the house was the picture of us. The one from the day we met. For some reason, I couldn’t leave it behind, and even though it was originally meant to be a gift for Aiden, I snatched itoff the shelf anyway. It’s buried in one of my suitcases, wrapped in a jacket, but I know it’s there.
Maybe someday I’ll show our child the picture of the day his parents met, before fate intervened in the most twisted way possible.
Anders and Claudia are throwing a small going-away party for me tonight, and I wish they weren’t. I want to say goodbye to all of the friends I’ve made here, but it’s going to be painful. Answering questions I don’t have answers to will be even worse. I haven’t spoken to Aiden at all, and my lawyer says he hasn’t heard from him or his attorney with regard to the divorce either. I’ve given Johan power of attorney with regard to that, so he can handle whatever comes up, but I’m not asking for anything beyond child support, so I can’t imagine what he could want to negotiate.
We should be getting the paternity test results today, but I don’t need a laboratory to tell me what I already know. There was no one else—the baby is Aiden’s. From what Anders told me, they had to drag Aiden to the lab to do the cheek swab but at least I’ll be vindicated soon.
Even if it doesn’t change anything.
That’s part of what makes this so hard. I know the truth is going to come out shortly. The paternity test and almost definitely something to do with his vasectomy, but it won’t fix what he broke between us.
