Page 34 of Clear Shot
Maybe I can sneak in a short workout that won’t impact my ability to perform on the ice in a few hours.
“How’s married life treating you?” Jordan asks when we’re on the bus to the arena.
“It’s good,” I respond automatically. What else can I say?
Oh, it sucks because I told Hana I don’t want kids.
That even sounds stupid in my head but Jordan doesn’t seem to be buying my answer. He arches a brow and gives me a look that tells me he knows that I’m bullshitting him.
“Already?” he asks, a faint smile playing on his lips.
“Already what?” I snap, irritated.
“Already having issues.” His voice is low, but I don’t have time for this bullshit.
“There are no issues,” I grunt under my breath. “I’m just in a bad mood today. That’s all.” He knows I battle depression.
“Oh.” His face softens a little. “Well, if you need to talk, I’m here.”
“Thanks.” The last thing I need is to talk to Jordan. He has his own demons that he’s been dealing with and doesn’t need to get dragged into my shit.
“Whatever it is that’s going on, don’t shut her out,” he says after a moment. “As your friend, I see you do it every time you’re going through something. You keep everything bottled up. And as the king of keeping everything bottled up, I can tell you from experience it’s not the right move. You don’t have to open up to me but talk to her. Because if you don’t, you’re going to lose her.”
I’ve already lost her, so that’s kind of a moot point.
He just doesn’t know it.
“It’s not real,” I say quietly.
“And you want it to be.”
Duh.
Who wouldn’t?
Too bad I’m a broken fuck-up with a past that makes it impossible for me to be the man Hana needs.
“You’re one of the only people who know our situation,” I continue. “So leave it alone. She’s better off not getting attached to me.”
“Better off?” He scowls. “That’s some self-deprecating bullshit.”
“Would you knock it off? Please?”
He shrugs. “Fine. But you need to think long and hard about giving up the woman you’ve always had a thing for.”
With that, he puts his headphones back on, leaving me to my misery.
There’s no future for us, so I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be thinking long and hard about.
Convincing her she doesn’t need to have a family would be selfish as fuck. And she’d eventually wind up resenting me.
I did the best thing possible given the situation, even if it sucks right now.
The biggest problem is going to be sex.
There is no way in hell I can go a year without, but cheating on Hana feels wrong, despite the circumstances. Sleeping with her when there’s an expiration date on our relationship also feels wrong.
Leaving me with no solution to multiple problems.
