Page 12 of When You're Home
When Tori thought about the possibility of a long-term relationship with Rhett, she knew it was a nonstarter. She would never have kids. Aside from being physically unable to do so after the preventative surgeries, she refused to pass on the risks associated with her gene pool. She loved him and his family too much to subject them to years of medical drama coupled with the promise of not carrying on the family name. Her shortcomings did not need to be their disappointments. The baggage that weighed her down was hers to carry alone.
“You told me you guys didn’t break up?” she finally replied, her words coming out as both an accusation and a question. She felt the panic starting to rise in her chest.
“We didn’t. At least I don’t think we did. I don’t know where things stand, I guess. Goddamnit, Tori! Didn’t you hear what I just said? I don’t want to do this anymore! I don’t want to be with her. Chandler is a nice girl… but she’s always been a means to an end.” Rhett took two steps toward her.
Tori shook her head violently. What the hell did he think he was doing? This was not part of their arrangement.
“For me, the end is you. It’s always been you,” he confessed, softer but with determination in his eyes.
She gave herself a silent minute to find her calm. She watched the side of his face contort as he worked over the inside of his cheek, glancing down at his own feet to avoid making eye contact as he waited for her to respond. He was clearly anxious, as he should be. He knew damn well what he was doing right now, scratching at the scar tissue that stretched over her deepest wounds. After another minute, Tori tested out his name on her lips, willing her voice not to waiver.
“Rhett,” she started, “you know why it has to be like this.” He still didn’t look up at her. She felt like she was scolding a small child.
“I’m no good for you. I’m never leaving Hampton. I’ll never have kids. It’s not fair for you to not live the life you deserve to live.” Tori felt her lip quiver, but she bit down hard to stop it. She knew if he sensed any weakness in her delivery, he would pounce on the opportunity to try and trap her.
His face twisted into a pain-stricken grimace at her rejection. But that didn’t stop him from pushing. “I know you’re scared, V. We can’t predict what the future will hold. But I want to be with you, no matter what happens, no matter how long we get. There’s nothing I want more than you.” He took another step forward, testing her.
She knew he would give it all up for her: his dream job, the possibility of having children, the hope of growing old together. But the pressure of being enough for him—of being his everything, of being his whole world—was too much. She knew that regardless of how much time they had together, it would never be enough to fill in the craters of grief she’d leave for him one day.
She had watched her father shatter. She now lived with a husk of a man, a human stripped down by years of unprocessed grief. She had practically raised herself because of it. That couldn’t be Rhett’s future. She wouldn’t do that to him. She wouldn’t do that to his future children.
The earnest expression on his face as he waited for her response reminded her so much of the twelve-year-old that had comforted her at her mom’s funeral. Her only happy memory of that day flooded back to her then: Rhett’s lanky preteen arms wrapped around her, the scent of his middle school body spray assaulting her nostrils as his steady breathing filled her ears.
The memory from her mom’s funeral was the reality check she needed. Earnest expression be damned. She couldn’t entertain the notion that she and Rhett could have a real relationship. She wouldn’t. Not when she knew damn well how it would end.
She already knew how the rest of the conversation was going to go: She would refuse to be in a committed relationship with him and threaten to end their arrangement. Rhett would get angry but insist he could hold his head above the water and not get too attached. Their arrangement would stay intact. Nothing would change. And because she wasn’t stronger, she would let herself believe she wasn’t going to break him in the end.
“We’re almost done.” She spoke evenly, a coldness lacing her voice now that she had found her resolve. “We both know there’s a time limit to this—to us. You don’t get to change the rules now that the game’s almost over,” she sneered, forcing a sharpness to her tone that she never used with him.
“I guess it’s up to you whether we’re done right now or whether we keep this going until you leave for Virginia in the spring.” She delivered her ultimatum with a cool sense of clarity.
“Tori, please. Just think about it? This doesn’t have to end. We can do long distance. We can at least try and see what happens. It has always been you. It will always be you.” The ache in his voice drilled into her with an unexpected pain.
She couldn’t think about it. There was nothing to even consider. She responded to his question without hesitation.
“No.” Her answer came out as a whisper. She stared past Rhett’s head toward the overlook, noticing how the cell phone towers off in the distance blinked in an unhurried rhythm. “No,” she stated again, louder this time. A small part of her heart wept at her declaration. She honestly didn’t think she could say anything else without breaking down.
Seconds, minutes, maybe even hours passed as they faced off in silence. He was standing close enough that she could feel the white puffs of his breath crest over her head, but she refused to look him in the eyes. Panic started to rise in her chest as she realized this could be it. This could be the day that he finally had enough. This could be the day that he finally walked away. One of them would have to end it eventually. She always figured it would be her, and she definitely hadn’t counted on it happening today. But if Rhett decided this was it, she needed to let him go. She loved him too much to cling to him and pull him under.
“Please don’t hate me because of this,” she whispered, finally breaking the silence. She made no effort to wipe away the tears that flowed freely down her cheeks.
Rhett moved in closer, resting the palm of his hand on her tear-streaked face. He bit down on the inside of his cheek and stared right into the deepest parts of her soul. He shook his head back and forth so softly she barely realized he was moving at all. She didn’t miss the tears welling in his eyes.
“No part of me could ever hate any part of you, beautiful.” He pulled her close and kissed her forehead, not once, not twice, but at least a dozen times. Each kiss was an apology, an acceptance of the reality of the situation as they held each other and grieved what would never be.
Something shifted between them as they embraced. Maybe it was acceptance, maybe it was forfeiture, or maybe some combination of the two.
“But that’s bullshit if you think we’re done now. We’re not over yet,” he added as he hugged her tighter.
Tori let him hold her. She was broken. Decimated. It was selfish to lean into him, knowing she would be the one to walk away in a few months. But that still didn’t stop her from seeking the comfort he so generously offered now.
She crept her hands under the fabric of his hoodie, feeling the sharp edges of the muscles of his back. She buried her face into his armpit and wafted in his scent for comfort. He held her close and let her feel the rise and fall of his chest, just like he had all those years ago on the saddest day of her life. Tori cast her gaze toward the overlook as they hugged, this time finding a tree she hadn’t noticed before. One sad, defiant evergreen rose out of the winter brush, offering the only sign of life along the edge of the Ledges.
Rhett eventually found her chin and tilted it up, giving her a chaste kiss. She responded to his mouth by returning the kiss and deepening it. She was anxious to ease the unnerving energy between them, to smooth things over for now, while they still had time. In the end, he may never forgive her for it, but Tori offered up everything she had to give him right then: her body and her heart, but only when he was home and only for a few more months.
Chapter 8
Rhett
