Page 28 of While You're There
“Not necessarily,” he replied without hesitation.
“You can’t honestly sit there and tell me your wheels aren't spinning after everything Dr. Silko said?” she pushed.
“You got me there,” he admitted. He took his eyes off the road for a moment to glance over and offer her a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. Sheknewhe had been affected by the fertility conversation, even if he was acting unflappable. “What do you want to do? You know I’ll do whatever you want.”
“I don’t feel right taking away this option from you.”
“Tori. Please. I know what you’re trying to do right now, and I won’t allow it.”
She whipped her head around at his declaration. “You won’tallowit?”
“I said what I said,” he shot back without taking his eyes off the road. “I loveyou. I wantyou. I never expected to be here with you… to have the privilege to be here with you. I’ve known for years that you didn’t plan to have kids. That’s always been okay with me. You’re all I’ve ever wanted, beautiful. Nothing has changed for me, unless something has changed for you. So yeah, like I said, I won’t allow you to pick a fight about this.”
Tori swiped at the tears rolling down her cheeks before settling her hands in her lap. She glanced down at her engagement ring, momentarily distracted by the way it picked up the late afternoon light through the tinted windows of the car. A galaxy of sparkles reflected off the diamond and danced along the glove compartment and dashboard in front of her.
“Don’t shut down on me, V. What are you thinking?” This time there was an ache in his voice, a familiar pang of longing behind his words.Freezing him out had been her go-to move for so long. She owed it to him to speak her truth.
“I don’t want to make the wrong decision,” she worried out loud. “I don’t want to have any regrets. I never knew this could be an option, so I literally haven’t thought about the idea of having kids in years. I accepted what I thought was the reality of the situation back when I was sixteen.” She sighed, frustrated with herself for not keeping up with the latest fertility preservation research. She truly had no idea what was possible nowadays.
Yet today’s revelation still didn’t change her headspace. “If I have to make this decision in the next few weeks, I think my answer is the same. But I’m not confident enough to say that’s what I’m going to want in the future, knowing what we know now. I just wish we had more time to process everything. I’m heartbroken that we don’t have more time to decide.”
“So what if we did it just in case?”
Tori stilled as his suggestion. There was no affliction in his voice; he still wasn’t giving anything away. She believed him when he said he’d willingly and gladly go along with whatever she decided. She knew then that Mr. Logistics was simply analyzing the situation and presenting her with the options.
She let the idea marinate for a moment, but his suggestion didn’t make sense. “Just in case of what?”
“In case you change your mind. Or, I guess in this case, just so you don’t have to decide anything right now. If we move forward with egg freezing, you at least still have the option to have kids in the future. We would always have the option. But if you choose to not do it, you can’t change your mind later. You’re only twenty-four, V. And you heard what Dr. Silko said. After surgery, you’ll be less likely to get breast cancer or ovarian cancer than the general population. What if in ten years you decide you want to be a mom?”
Everything he said made sense. Part of her wished it didn’t.
“If in ten years from now, I decide I want to be a mom—-and that’s a big if, and I would have to have totally clean scans between now and then with no scares or setbacks or anything—if that happened, we could adopt.”
He agreed without missing a beat. “Absolutely. I’d be one hundred percent on board with that plan.”
She huffed out a sigh. It was clear she wasn’t going to penetrate his steadiness. She silently scolded herself for even trying. Her decision shouldn’t be based on whether or not she could get a rise out of Rhett. It wasn’t fair to use his reactions or lack of reactions to gauge her own response. She had to figure out what she wanted. And she needed time to figure it out.
“If—if we go through with it,” she started, her voice trembling, “this whole summer is going to be even harder. On you. On me. On the start of our marriage. It won’t be pretty, Ev. I remember reading about egg freezing years ago. It’s a million appointments and hormone injections and just…”
Rhett didn’t let her spiral. “We can handle it. I know it’ll be hard, but I can hold us both up. I’ve got you, beautiful.”
“If we do this, it isn’t a guarantee I want kids. You understand that, right? I haven’t had any time to think about this. We might go through all this and then never even…”
“If we do this, we’re just buying more time. It’s like getting an extension for a deadline. I swear to you, I get that.”
Tori leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees and burying her face in her hands. She was frustrated and defeated. “I don’t want to have to decide this right now.”
“Then don’t. Let’s not decide anything right now, let’s just give ourselves the extension. Freezing eggs doesn’t mean we’re going to have kids. I can separate the two in my mind if you can.”
“Okay,” she relented. “You’re right. I don’t want to rule out anything unnecessarily if we don’t have to, so let’s do it, and decide later. Much later,” she emphasized.
He reached over for her hand again, this time a genuine smile taking over his whole face as he took the exit for Hampton and glanced in her direction. “I love you. And I swear I would have been okay with whatever you decided, Tori. There’s nothing I want more than you.”
“I love you, too. So damn much.”
“Hey. It’s finally the weekend,” he reminded her with a playful smile that lightened the mood.
“I know,” she said as she returned his easy smile. What a week. Between working and wedding planning and Rhett going to Virginia and today’s appointments, she was ready to just be with him. “I have to work open to two tomorrow, though, remember?”
