Page 76 of While You're There
Chandler assessed him for a few moments before her expression softened and she nodded. “Okay. That’ll be good, actually. I just don’t want them to know any details.”
“I understand. I’ll show you the email before I send it, okay? What else can I do for you right now?”
“Would it be weird if I asked you to rub my back? This heating pad is helping the cramps, but my low back is still killing me…”
“Move over,” he instructed as he kicked off his shoes. He lowered himself onto the bed beside her, trying not to disturb the mattress or jostle her too much in the process. He kneaded the knuckles of a closed fist into the fleshy part at the bottom of her spine. “Like that?”
“Yes, that’s perfect.” She sighed as she pushed back into the pressure of his touch. He focused his energy on her aching muscles, channeling all his frustration and sadness into offering her the faintest glimmer of relief.
“Rhett?”
“Yeah?”
“Are you going to leave soon?”
He tried to discern what she was really asking. Did she want him to stay? Or was she subtly asking him to go? He had fucked up so many things lately. He doubted his own ability to read the situation from the context clues.
“No, not unless you want me to leave. I was going to stay tonight and probably tomorrow, too. I figured I could get a hotel room or sleep on the couch…”
“Please stay,” she whispered.
“Okay. I was supposed to be in Hampton until Monday night anyways, but I can have my assistant change my flight to leave from the Columbus airport on Tuesday morning instead. I have to be at the office that day for sure, but if you want me to come back later this week, I will.”
He could feel himself rambling. He knew he was offering too much. But after what Chandler had just gone through—after what he had put her through—after everything she had endured because of his carelessness—it was all he had left to give.
“That would be good. Thank you,” she whispered so low he barely heard it. “Can I ask you something else? Something personal?”
His kneading faltered, but only for a second. He could guess what she was going to say next. He knew it would come up eventually. There was no hope avoiding this conversation after he’d just promised to stay with her for the next few days.
“You already got married, didn’t you?”
“I did,” he answered cautiously, switching hands as he stalled. He instinctively looked down at his wedding ring as he continued to work that same hand into her back. He didn’t want to make Chandler feel like she was prying, so he continued, “Tori and I got married two weeks ago at my parents’ lake cabin. It was a super fast engagement, obviously. The only reason we weren’t together over the last several years was because she refused to officially date me or make things exclusive. I know that probably sounds shitty, considering that you and I…”
“It was always her, wasn’t it?”
He inhaled through his nose. Chandler’s tone wasn’t aggressive; it wasn’t nearly as sharp or angry as he deserved. She sounded genuinely curious.
“Yes. Tori and I have a long and complicated history, but it was always her. I’m sorry I wasn’t honest with you about that. I’m so fucking sorry that I…”
“Everhett,” she scolded. “I told you I don’t want your apologies right now. Someday, maybe. But for now, all I want is honesty. Well, that, and for you to keep pressing into that spot, because it really is helping.”
Rhett clamped his lips together to physically stop himself from saying anything else. He wanted to respect her request, but that didn’t stop the words from dancing on the tip of his tongue. He was so desperate to try and explain himself, to apologize over and over again for all the ways he had lied by omission and withheld the truth when they were together.
The logical part of his brain got it. She didn’t want to listen to him grovel or try to defend his choices. He never expected any of it to go this way. There was so much hurt, so much physical and emotional pain caused because of what they did, because of what he agreed to do to be with Tori.
For some reason, his mind jumped back into a memory he’d worked hard to forget over the last several months. It was the night of the now infamous Jake and Rhett Party. The night Tori met Fielding. The night Chandler met Tori. The night everything shifted.
Tori had gotten drunk at the party, then locked herself in the bathroom. He’d been trying to play it cool all night, but when he heard her sobbing through the door, he lost it. He distinctly remembered the way the pain radiated up his arm when he pounded on the barrier between them. He remembered the words he spit out in frustration when she refused to face him. “Did you really think no one would get hurt? Did you think we’d come out of this unscathed?”
He never could have imagined they’d have to live out the consequences of their shittiest choices like this. He never imagined the depth of pain they could cause because of what happened that night.
Chandler spoke again, rattling him out of his own spiraling thoughts. “Do you think in another life it could have been you and me?”
Rhett stilled. He had never stopped to consider an actual future with Chandler. For him, it had always been Tori. Chandler was a fill-in-the-blank answer that fit into the rules of the arrangement Tori created for them. But as time carried on, Chandler had expanded into his life like insulated foam. She was convenient and companionable. He had never meant for her to be around long term or for her to consider herself his girlfriend, especially since they’d never talked about being exclusive. Their lack of communication had allowed her to fill in the blanks with the answers she liked best. In hindsight, his coolness to her was worse than callousness.
Now she was collateral damage: A victim to the mess he and Tori had made trying to outrun the fate they’d finally admitted was inevitable.
The answer to her question was no. He had never thought about a future with Chandler because he couldn’t see past what he wanted most for the last ten years. But he wouldn’t say anything to hurt her tonight as she lay curled up in bed with a heating pad pressed into her abdominal.
