Page 49 of When You're Gone
“I believe in us. The only thing pure and true in my life is you. Even at our lowest—even when we weren’t together, even when our own bullheadedness kept us apart, even right now when everything feels so damn hard—I have always believed in you and me. And I always will.”
She shifted up to kiss him. It was a slow, tantric caress. It was the kind of kiss that made his brain short-circuit and that absolutely should have led to something more. But they both knew they were on borrowed time. She pulled back reluctantly, hovering just an inch away from his mouth as she whispered her reply.
“Thank you for always believing in us.”
He closed his eyes and hugged her to him before whispering into her ear, “Thank you for giving me something to believe in.”
Chapter eighteen
Tori
Jake:Heybaby.How’dit go? Was our boy surprised?
She read the incoming text and pinched the bridge of her nose. She was so frustrated right now. With herself. With Rhett’s stupid work retreat. With this whole situation.
Tori: Not great. He was surprised for sure… because he has a work retreat this weekend. I’m already back at the airport waiting on a flight home.
Jake: Shit
Her thoughts exactly. She watched as Jake started then stopped texting her three times, that little gray speech bubble eliciting a ping of annoyance each time it disappeared.
She wasn’t actually upset with Jake. She was just so disappointed in herself. What had she been thinking, trying to surprise Rhett when she knew his calendar was jam-packed with obligations? She had come to Virginia with the best of intentions, but it felt like she’d made everything harder today.
She still didn’t feel right about leaving Norfolk. There was a nagging uncertainty to when she’d be back. They hadn’t had time to make plans, to pick a new date. She hated leaving and not knowing when she’d see her husband next.
He’d been so eager to coordinate their calendars. She’d been so flippant about his concerns. It turned out his desire to make plans wasn’t just rooted in his type A personality. He was fully aware of what she’d been too narrow-minded to admit: they needed to plan ahead from here on out if long distance was going to work.
Tori: Do you think I’m making a mistake by leaving?
She knew Jake would give her the truth. Even if it wasn’t the answer she wanted. This time, thankfully, his reply was immediate.
Jake: No. We both know our boy wouldn’t want you sitting around at the apartment, alone and miserable.
She scoffed—he was right. Rhett was selfless enough to send her away, knowing she’d be unhappy at the apartment. Still. She couldn’t help but feel sorry for herself.
Tori: You’re right. I might as well just come home to sit around alone and miserable.
Her self-deprecation was out of character, but she couldn’t have stopped it if she tried.
She was depressed. She knew that now. She’d known it for a while, but she hadn’t been able to admit it until now. Realizing how out of sync she was with Rhett rattled her and inspired this new awareness. She wasn’t ashamed of the way she was struggling. If anything, she was proud of herself for finally recognizing how shitty everything had felt lately and for being brave enough to name it.
Just because she wasn’t ashamed didn’t make the idea any easier to accept. She had everything she wanted; everything she had ever dreamed of and envisioned for her life. It felt like contempt walked hand in hand with her depression because for the first time in her life, she had no valid reason to be depressed.
Rhett could sense it in her. She could see her truth reflected in his eyes every time he looked at her too long. There was no way he didn’t know. Lia probably suspected. Cory was working toward his Master’s in Psychology and Human Behavior, so he had to be aware of her struggles. Fielding knew, too. He had actually been one of the first people to notice the shift. He saw her sadness, but it didn’t scare him off. It didn’t make him treat her any different or adjust his behavior according to her lows. He just let her be.
Typing out those words and admitting she was miserable to Jake was the hardest. He had done so much for her. For Rhett. It felt like admitting she was depressed implied that all his efforts to be the best friend he could be were for nothing. She didn’t want him to take her struggles to heart or think this was something he needed to fix.
Another message came through.
Jake: Hey. You’re okay. I have to work tonight, but I’ll try and get off early. Get on that plane, come home, and we’ll hang out.
She smiled sadly at her phone as the overhead announcer made the first boarding call for her return flight. Jake might not be able to fix her, but she wouldn’t say no to the distraction of his company.
Tori: Deal. You’re a really good backup husband, in case I haven’t told you lately.
Jake: Oh, I’ll show you a really good backup husband. I’m working on some new margarita recipes tonight in anticipation of my annual birthday fiesta. I’ll bring some home for you to try.
Tori: Your birthday’s not for another 2 months!
