Page 80 of When You're Gone
Chandler smiled sadly but held her gaze. “Thank you for saying that. And thank you for not downplaying the loss. I know neither of you had time to process what was happening when I finally got through to him that night. Knowing that you both still talk about the baby, that you don’t pretend like it never happened… it makes me hate you less.” She smirked sarcastically, but Tori sensed there was a healthy amount of truth to her admission.
Chandler flipped her platinum-blond hair over one shoulder before continuing. “It’s ironic, but I wouldn’t let him apologize to me when he came to the hospital that night. He just kept trying to tell me how sorry he was about everything, but I didn’t want to hear it.”
“Maybe that’s because he wasn’t the one who actually owed you the apology.”
Chandler nodded solemnly. “I forgive you. I forgive you both. I hope you’re able to forgive yourselves, too.”
A wave of relief crashed over her, followed by a surge of despair.Couldshe forgive herself? Would she ever not feel responsible for what she made Rhett do?
“When I think about everything that happened that led up to your miscarriage…”
Chandler held up both hands dramatically and closed her eyes. “Don’t,” she insisted. “Seriously. I let myself go down that path right after it happened, but it only left me feeling resentful. If we focus on the choices and mistakes we made over the last few years, it just belittles the life we lost. If I let myself stay bitter, that’s the only taste in my mouth. My baby’s memory deserves better than that.”
Tori nodded in understanding. Chandler needed her to let it go and stop projecting her regret. The arrangement Tori insisted on with Rhett braided into the reality of Chandler’s miscarriage and their shared loss, but they were mutually exclusive issues.
“He really loved your baby, you know. He will always love the child you shared.”
“I know he will,” Chandler said as she smiled sadly. “He’s a really good man.”
“I know he is,” Tori replied.
The sun was starting to set by the time she left the little café to make the drive home from Columbus to Hampton. She shot Jake a text to let him know that things had gone well and that she’d be home in a few hours. He was at work, but he replied instantly, telling her to stop by The Oak that night once she got back into town.
She stared down at her phone and thought about everything she had just done; about everything she had done over the last few weeks. She didn’t know if any of it would make a difference in the end. All she knew was that she wasn’t giving up without a fight. This was her giving it her all.
Trying to make amends with Chandler had been the right thing to do, but she still felt awful. She regretted so many things about how she had tried to control her relationship with Rhett over the years. Her deepest regret would always be insisting on their conditional friends-with-benefits arrangement. It wasn’t supposed to go that far. No one was ever supposed to get hurt. Her immaturity and selfishness had caused an immeasurable amount of pain.
Chandler’s parting words played on repeat in her mind: would she ever be able to forgive herself?
Her hands itched to call Rhett. To text him. To explain everything she was doing. The rawest, most vulnerable part of her whispered “not yet.” She couldn’t reach out to her husband yet because she wasn’t done. She wouldn’t keep shoving the fragmented pieces of who she used to be into his arms, taking advantage of the fact that he would gladly accept them and forge her back together time and time again. They hadn’t made a mess—she had. And now she had to finish cleaning it up if she was going to be worthy of his love.
She reached for her phone anyway, anxious to cross another item off her dwindling to-do list. She had made up with her dad, and she was getting the help she needed for her depression. She had asked Jake to take her off the schedule at Clinton’s for good, and the wheels were in motion for her next opportunity with the New Hope Foundation. She’d been making calls all week; researching her options, coordinating plans with Quinn on the down-low. Now there were just a few more things left to do.
She looked down at her phone and scrolled through her contacts.
“Please let this be enough,” she whispered, blinking back tears as her eyes landed on Fielding’s name. She clicked on his contact information, scrolled down, and pressed the red “Block this Caller” button.
There. Done.
She felt a sense of closure wash over her. She wouldn’t go back to Rhett the same woman he’d fallen in love with. She couldn’t. Not after what she’d done and what she’d required him to do. She hoped all the choices she’d made and the actions she’d taken would be enough to prove to him once and for all that she was all in. She didn’t know if it would be enough. But at least she had tried.
Chapter thirty-two
Tori
Shewalkedintotheroom and gasped. The enormous, opulent space had been completely transformed since she had snuck away a few hours ago to get ready. Mood lighting set the tone, and towering crystal centerpieces dominated the ballroom; the entire room seemed to sparkle as well-dressed attendees milled about. She lifted a hand to her chest in wonder as she took it all in.
“Baby!” Jake practically lifted her off her feet as he wrapped her up in his arms, careful not to mess up her hair. “Look at this place!” he crooned. “You did this! And it’s amazing! And look at you in that dress.”
He had obviously already had a few drinks from the open bar, but she didn’t shy away from his over-the-top praise.
She had decided on a deep purple full-length tulle gown adorned with crystals along the strapless sweetheart neckline. She felt beautiful, even if the garment was a monstrosity to get on and off. She was glad Jake had booked them a suite for the night—she was definitely going to need help getting out of this dress, especially if things didn’t go according to plan.
Speaking of plans… She glanced around the ballroom anxiously, scanning the faces of all the men in their suits and tuxes.
Jake noticed her concern and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, guiding her into the ballroom. “He’s not here yet,” he murmured as they made their way through the crowd. “He got held up at the airport, but he’s on his way. He promised. You can count on him.”
She nodded and blew out a breath. She wasn’t actually worried Rhett wouldn’t make it. NorfolkStar had sponsored a table, and he promised he would be here. She just hadn’t seen her husband in almost a month. Tonight was a momentous occasion, and not just for Camp New Hope.
