Page 89 of In the Long Run
And I realise that I don’t want to start over, because if you keep going back to the beginning, chasing perfection, you’ll never get anywhere.
I don’t want to leave.
The last couple of months have been the best of my life.It’s Eugene sitting on his couch, the dogs curled around him while I read to him.Celeste laughing at something Yeti says to her at a Wednesday night dinner.It’s the way Yeti stares at her all confused, like he can’t figure out if she’s something precious or infinitely annoying.It’s Croissants and Kilometres.All the rainy runs.The foggy morning sessions that start with chattering teeth and end with layers being shed and coffee and pastries at Alizée’s.All the Strava segments we’ve set up on our training runs.Choosing segment names that won’t make sense to anyone else but are little reminders on the map that we were here.We did this.And we had fun doing it.Non-runners won’t understand, but that’s okay because we did it for ourselves.
What started as showing up for ourselves became about showing up for each other.Our get-to-know-you chats have evolved into deeper conversations and a string of private jokes.
We stopped being individuals who like to run a long time ago.We’re a team.The club has a heartbeat of its own, and being a part of this community has bled into every part of my life and made it better.I think of one of Eugene’s old sayings about how positivity breeds positivity.There hasn’t been a single day here that I haven’t smiled.
And then there’s Gen.
She’s woken me up.Pushed me out of my comfort zone.Made me want things.
We could be so much more than lovers.But not if I shut down, hide back inside my shell.
Decision made, I walk carefully along the rocks until I’m back on the path.
It’s time for me to fight for what I want.
31
KNOX
Eugene’s waiting for me when I get home, like I knew he would be.I take my time changing and hang my wet clothes over the base board of my bed.My thick socks aren’t that wet, so I leave them.It feels necessary to be uncomfortable right now.
Eugene pats the spot on the couch next to him when I enter the living room.‘I don’t like it when we fight.Never have.Never will.’
‘Neither do I.’I sit down carefully, stretching forward so my elbows rest on my knees.
‘I shouldn’t have said what I did.’In my peripheral vision, Eugene exhales slowly and crosses his arms.
‘I shouldn’t have gone behind your back.’
‘No,’ he sighs.‘You shouldn’t have, but I understand why you did.Doesn’t mean I’m not still upset about it, though.But I’m not angry with you.I’m angry with myself for letting it get so bad.’
I bow my head and stare at my feet.The wet tips of my green socks are a shade darker.
‘I didn’t tell you for a number of reasons,’ Eug says.‘I knew you’d want to help.That you’d feel obligated.Try to carry the weight of my failure for me.And you carry so much already.’
‘But you wouldn’t have been in this position if it wasn’t for my family.Your mum would’ve been able to afford her nursing home.You’d have been fine.’
Eugene shakes his head.‘Not everything is connected, mate.What happened with your parents was twenty years ago.People make mistakes.How they deal with them is the measure of their character.’
That feels like something that gets mass-produced and printed on cheap wall art in chain stores, but I keep my mouth shut.Doesn’t mean it’s not true,my mind whispers.
‘I was scared to disappoint you,’ Eugene says.
I jerk backwards.‘Me?’
‘You’ve been disappointed by so many people in your life, Knox.Nothing has ever come easy for you.I just didn’t want you to worry.And then I made an even bigger mess of things.I’m sorry.’
‘I’msorry.I only wanted to help.’
He clicks his tongue.‘I’m going to pay you back.’
I shrug, because I don’t care if he doesn’t.
‘And we’re going to tell each other the truth from now on.About everything.’His hands are shaking, so I cover them with my own.‘I can’t manage Alizée’s on my own anymore.I’m tired.It’s been too much for a while, but I didn’t want to admit it.It’s going to take a long time for my foot to get better, and I don’t think I’ll be able to work the way I used to.And I can’t be there and not beall there.It’s why I haven’t been back before today.I couldn’t face it.It’s time to sell.’He pauses, then looks at me.‘Your turn.’
