Page 100 of Killing Mind
Jake sat in the single chair and rested his forearms on his knees. His shirt sleeves gathered at the elbow revealing a Rolex watch on his left wrist.
‘I hope you don’t mind but Brit told me a little about your home situation. She wasn’t speaking out of turn but she’s grown very fond of you in a short time.’
Tiff shook her head. She didn’t mind. She often wondered if she was overreacting to her mother’s blatant favouritism, and she’d welcome his view on the subject.
Tiff knew what she was here to do but the reason she’d been upset yesterday was still very real. She hadn’t contacted her mother and she hoped Ryan was nice and comfortable in her room.
‘You blame them, don’t you?’ Jake asked, gently. His expression was full of warmth and understanding.
She’d never spoken to anyone about her feelings about her family. There were people with much bigger problems than hers. So what if it made her feel like shit. She’d get over it. She was a grown woman.
‘You’ve always blamed them for your feelings, from that very first injustice that you couldn’t justify or explain away to make yourself feel better. Do you remember what it was?’
‘Steven’s birthday,’ she said before she could stop herself. And then realised it was true.
‘Tell me about it,’ he said, sitting back.
‘My birthday was in June. I was nine years old. I had a pair of roller skates. I loved them. A month later it was Steven’s birthday and he got a bike, chocolates and we went to McDonald’s for tea.’
Something inside her expected him to laugh. The words sounded ridiculous to her own ears.
He didn’t laugh.
‘Was it the disparity in gift value that stayed with you?’ he asked, tipping his head so that the candlelight danced across his face.
She thought about the question. It was what had always stayed in her mind. Her roller skates versus a shiny new bike. And yet it wasn’t that that rattled her even now, she realised.
‘No, I don’t think it was the gift, I think it was the occasion. From the moment he woke up the whole day was about him. Presents, balloons, cards, a rare treat for tea. It was the difference in importance, in priority.’
‘So, you began to wonder why you hadn’t received the same level of attention. What had you done wrong? Why weren’t you good enough?’
She nodded and felt the tears prick at her eyes.
He leaned over and touched her wrist, gently. ‘Please don’t be upset, Tiff, that’s the last thing I want but I do want you to understand. May I continue?’
Tiff swallowed back the emotion and nodded.
‘It’s hard to look back objectively without the emotion but basically you began to feel inadequate before you were ten years old because of someone else’s actions. I bet from that point on you were looking for examples, events that proved your point, things that solidified your view that you were somehow less than your brothers, less important, less worthy?’
She nodded.
‘And you found them, didn’t you?’
‘Yes,’ she whispered, trying to stop all the memories from flooding her brain.
‘And do you know why you found so much reinforcement of your beliefs?’
She shook her head. Now he was going to tell her what she’d always told herself. He was going to rationalise her childhood by explaining that there was balance, that there were positives too, that there were times she’d received more attention than the boys and that the brain hung on to the negative more than the positive. He was going to tell her that her memories were distorted and that the love had been equal.
‘Tiffany, you found so many examples of favouritism because they really were there to find. Your mother obviously treated you differently to your brothers and it has stayed with and affected you your whole life. You were right in your feelings and you were justified.’
‘Oh,’ she said, surprised.
‘But what adds weight to your feelings is your wish to change the facts. You want your mum to wake up and start apportioning her affection equally and that’s what holds you back. You’re still waiting for a change and it’s not going to happen. You can’t make it happen.’ He paused. ‘Because they’re your blood family you feel obliged to keep trying, to throw yourself against the wall, but it’s not working and every time it doesn’t work you suffer the humiliation and hurt all over again. The only one suffering here is you, which makes me incredibly sad, not for you, but for them.’
All kinds of thoughts were going around in her brain.
‘I’m sad because I don’t think they see just how special and unique you are. We saw it straight away. You’re intelligent, energetic, enthusiastic and warm. Any family would be truly blessed to have you in their lives. It’s just a pity that your blood family doesn’t see what we see.’
