Page 54 of Not Another Rockstar
Regardless of what had happened with Cillian, she loved the quaint ocean-view villa.
“Remember to take some time to yourself while we’re here,” Axel reasoned, but she couldn’t relax, not when she was surrounded by the happy memories that now felt so tainted and distorted.
She nodded, taking down some of the more intimate couple photos from the wall.
“Do you want some help? You shouldn’t be doing this alone,” he asked.
“I’ll get through things faster if I don’t have to explain. Could you put my bags in the last room at the end of the hall? The room on the right has a nice balcony, if you want it,” she said, giving him the guest room. She’d stay in what was going to be her art room; it was once a guest room, but they hadn’t got around to removing the bed. She was also being greedy and taking the big balcony. Axel could have the mini one, but at least it was a room with a view. She didn’t want anyone staying in what had been her and Cillian’s room until she’d packed up what was in there.
Thankfully, Rowena had left the boxes she’d wanted, so she didn’t need to take an unnecessary trip into town. While she packed up Cillian’s belongings, Axel kept himself busy working away in the garden by the pool, so they weren’t stepping over each other. She needed some space to digest.
As she opened Cillian’s wardrobe, the scent of him nearly brought her to her knees. She pulled out the T-shirt he’d worn when he proposed, and remembered she still hadn’t decided what to do with her ring. Throwing it in the ocean felt like a waste and selling it didn’t feel right.
She threw out all the nonsense that didn’t need to be shipped home. She’d spent the whole afternoon sorting his from hers; she didn’t want Axel witnessing the life they had shared. It felt too personal, and having her someone go through her dead boyfriend’s stuff felt a little too twisted. She had to do it, for closure, to say goodbye to a future she would never know. A future she wouldn’t have had even if he had lived. She wasn’t sure which hurt more.
The only remaining evidence he had ever been there was the group photos she’d kept up. Though the shadow of the pictures of them as a couple lingered in the paint. Without the signs of him overwhelming it all, she wanted to keep the place. It couldbe an escape for all of them. She loved the privacy, and the view was incredible. It would be a nice place to paint in between shows.
Axel was floating in the clean pool as she finished labelling the last box. The leaf catcher lay filled by the pool, and she smiled, grateful for his help. When the trees shook off their leaves, Cillian had always complained or waited until the pool cleaner came, even if only for a couple of leaves.
“Let me help you.” Axel surprised her by appearing behind her.
“It’s fine, it’s the last one,” she said, trying to lift it, but her hand gave way. She cursed, shaking out her wrist. She waited for him to say ‘told you so’, but he just picked up the box and gave her a moment.
“Thank you,” she said, as he reappeared after putting the box with the others.
“Happy to help. Do you want an ice pack or some painkillers?”
“No, I’m okay, it was just a spasm. I did too much and now it’s a little numb. I can ice it later,” she told him. “Sorry I interrupted your swim.” She massaged her hand as they walked back to the pool.
“Please don’t apologise. I’m here if and when you need me,” Axel said, standing by the edge of the pool. “Not just for my good looks.”
She rolled her eyes as he dived back into the pool. “I didn’t realise so much time had passed. This is the last box; I want to get his stuff back home. Cillian moved more stuff here in anticipation of being here more often. I didn’t know he’d put together the art room for me.” Saying it aloud threatened to break her. How could he be so kind and considerate in one breath and disdainful and selfish in another?
“I saw that when I was putting away our bags,” Axel said, and she walked over to the lounger closest to him. “The room facing the ocean with a balcony. He wanted you to be able to sit out and paint, instead of being crammed in the guest room.”
“You knew about it?” Phoebe asked.
“We didn’t always get along, but we did talk,” Axel said, like she was doubting their friendship.
“I didn’t mean it like that. He was always anxious about you around me,” she confessed. “I didn’t think he’d talk to you about me. August treats me like a sister, and Nick is my brother, but you always kept your distance. It made him nervous.”
“What do you mean?” He frowned, and she shuffled a little, wishing she hadn’t brought it up.
“He didn’t like how you looked at me, or acted around me.” She shrugged. “I thought he was paranoid; you pretended like I didn’t exist.”
“He was right to be.” His words were barely audible as he dived into the pool, giving her the impression he didn’t want to talk about her ex.
She had dwelled enough on the past for one day. It was dangerous to linger on old memories for too long.
“Are you going to join me or just keep gawking?” Axel asked, resurfacing. She swallowed as she watched his muscles ripple.
“I wasn’t gawking.” She focused her attention on the stone tile around the pool, because she had, in fact, been gawking. It wasn’t right to be so obsessed with the contours of someone’s body.
“A dip would be nice after all that work,” he said.
“I don’t have my swimsuit on,” she said, still in the same pale blue midi dress she’d travelled in. That, and she was more than a little sweaty.
“Live a little,” he pressed, swimming over to the edge and resting his forearms on the ledge.
