Page 64 of Not Another Rockstar
“Sorry, it’s Phoebe. We met briefly at your concert last year at the Royal Albert Hall,” Phoebe said, not expecting her to even remember the encounter.
“I thought that was you. Hi. Is everything okay?” Autumn’s concern came in a rush. “There was an international dial tone?”
“We’re in Italy, we wanted to get away for a little bit.” Phoebe stumbled through the explanation, closing the bedroom door. “I can have Axel call you back.”
“No worries, I was only checking in. I saw that he was away, and there were some pictures of the two of you, but I really called to ask how you’re coping?”
“I’m fine.” Phoebe spoke too quickly to sound sincere.
Autumn chuckled a little. “Sorry, I don’t mean to laugh. I used to say the same thing a lot. You don’t have to pretend with me.”
Phoebe hesitated before confessing.
“Pretty shit.”
She flexed her scarred hand, tight from having neglected her exercises. “Getting away has helped, even if all I want todo is paint the views. Feels like my skin is itchy, like my body is craving paint. Sounds stupid, but…” She didn’t know how to finish the sentence, but thankfully Autumn did.
“It’s not easy when an injury takes you away from the thing you love. I’ve had first-hand experience in that department. I would literally play on anything, a table, my thighs, and just imagine the music in my head. Not being able to play felt like a part of me had been torn out. Like a jigsaw missing a piece, and nothing else fit.”
“I couldn’t have put it better myself. Painting has always been my outlet, so I’ve had a little too much time to think. I’ve managed to get some sketching done—my physio thinks the muscle memory will help with the nerve damage—but it doesn’t feel the same as before.” It felt so good to talk to someone else whose pain had threatened to take them away from what they loved. From their oxygen. Without it, life felt wrong, flat, or just empty.
“Adjusting and accepting a new normal is the hardest part, but the most important thing is to be kind to yourself.” Autumn didn’t talk of silver linings, or say that everything would be okay; she was honest about the reality of healing, and it was what Phoebe needed to hear.
“Can I ask you something? And if it’s too personal, please don’t feel any pressure to answer.” Phoebe sat on the edge of the bed.
“I’m an open book. You can thank Elijah for that.”
Phoebe got the feeling that Elijah was the emotionally expressive one in the relationship. They were an adorable couple, yet complete opposites. Even in the brief time Phoebe had spent in their company, she’d seen how completely devoted they were. Elijah checked in on Autumn while she rolled her eyes, but Phoebe knew she was looking out for him in the cornerof her eye. It was refreshing to see. Cillian used to abandon her in a crowd, citing how important it was to “mingle”.
“How did you handle the guilt after your accident? I don’t even know if guilt is the right word, but seeing the video footage posted on social media… I don’t know why I survived and he didn’t. The car was so crushed. Sometimes the tightness in my chest gets so bad I forget to breathe.” Phoebe tucked her knees under her chin, unsure if she was making sense. But since Autumn had survived her own life-altering accident as a teen, she was the only one she could think to ask. If Autumn could survive a stage collapsing while she was performing and still get back to playing, then it gave her hope that she could overcome her own struggles.
There was a brief silence, and she winced, worried she’d said too much.
“I didn’t handle it for a long time, but then I realised that surviving gave me a second chance, and I didn’t want to waste that. It’d be a disservice to my friend who passed, and myself, if I didn’t live. My back injury reminds me never to forget that no matter how bad the pain gets, I have to be kind and patient with myself,” Autumn said. “But it took years. Some days I want to curl up and disappear, and I do, but now I reach out to those I love and trust for support. You have to listen to your body as much as your head and heart, because both can be great deceivers.”
“Thank you for being so honest—and curling up and disappearing sounds pretty good.”
Phoebe stared at the long scar that ran from her thumb to her wrist. It ached with every movement and clenched fist.
“I can’t imagine the weight of your emotions right now. You lost the person you loved, twice—once when you found out about the cheating, and then in the accident. You also lost something you love, or at least the ability to do it with previous ease. Giveyourself some grace, and time. If I could give you any advice, lean on those around you. Don’t push them away.”
Autumn’s sincerity meant a lot to her. Autumn owed her nothing, but her words were worth everything.
“I was happy to hear that you’re living with Axel and the others,” she continued. “Being around people can feel suffocating when you’re dealing with pain and recovery, but don’t be afraid to need them.”
“Axel’s been my miracle.” Phoebe guessed from her tone that Axel had already told her what was happening between them.
“I feel a but coming,” Autumn probed softly.
“I’m afraid of how much I care for him. Everything’s happening so soon—what if I’m subconsciously trying to cling to something good?”
Phoebe cringed to reveal her worst inner thoughts. Autumn was his cousin after all, her loyalty would lie with him, and she’d just confessed to the possibility of using him.
“Axel is a grown man; he wouldn’t do anything he didn’t want to. You’ve got to let him decide what he wants. He refused to leave your side at the hospital until you woke up. Your brother and August called me to convince him to leave. Don’t be afraid to lean on those who love you, no matter who it is,” Autumn assured her. “It’s easier said than done. It took me finding a six-foot game designer in my kitchen to learn that depending on others isn’t weakness. If you’re worried about using him to fill some void, then you probably aren’t.”
Phoebe hadn’t known about Axel not leaving her side in the hospital. Was it a guilty conscience for letting her leave the tour bus?Not that she needed his permission to do anything, but she understood how he could feel that way.
“Are you sure you aren’t feeling guilty about the possibility of having feelings for someone else so soon after losing Cillian?” Autumn read her mind.
