Page 65 of Not Another Rockstar
“Why should I feel guilty when he was fucking his make-up artist for six months?” She hated how harsh she sounded.
Autumn sighed. “Because feelings don’t make sense. You can be angry with someone and still love them. You never got to talk about what Cillian did or resolve the situation on your own terms. It’s only natural to grieve a future you’ll never have with him. Now you’re seeing Axel in a new light, and maybe Axel is highlighting some uncomfortable truths. New relationships have a way of doing that.” Autumn put it lightly. “Given all you’ve been through it’s understandable that you’re scared, nervous, confused. Just be honest with him and, more importantly, yourself.”
“What was it about Elijah that made you so sure?” Phoebe asked. Even if Axel was completely different from Cillian, she wanted to make sure she didn’t repeat or wasn’t repeating any bad habits.
Autumn chuckled. “Because he was there.”
“So, it was a proximity thing?”
“Yes and no. He never left when things got hard. Instead, he leaned in, and I’d never had that before. As much as I pushed, he wouldn’t budge. He saw my scars, both emotional and physical, and refused to waver.”
Phoebe thought back to that night when Axel had helped her with her hair, let her sleep in his bed without question, and went to war with Anita for her.He hasn’t wavered.
“Axel is like that,” she said. “I can’t shake him.”
Autumn sighed. “He has always been so self-assured and determined. He was one of the few people who convinced me to get back on stage after so many years away from the piano.”
“Cillian was jealous of that,” Phoebe told her. “He could be insecure, and worried what people thought of him, no matter how much praise he got. That’s why my love wasn’t enough. Eversince Axel joined Brothers of Anarchy, he’s been himself. Steady. And it used to drive Cillian crazy.”
There had been more than one occasion where Cillian had tried to convince the others to replace their new drummer, but Nick and August wouldn’t allow it.
“If you’re worried about using Axel to get back at Cillian, don’t be. It doesn’t matter how you got together, but how you feel now.”
Phoebe wished they had talked sooner.
“I don’t know how I feel about anything but him, and it frightens me.”
“It’s normal to experience a longing for intimacy when you’ve lost such a big part of your life. Don’t punish yourself for seeking comfort in others. Don’t think too hard. Elijah is constantly telling me not to think so much. It makes me want to slap him, but he’s right, even if I don’t let him know that,” Autumn told her. “If you take the lust out of it, how does it feel to be with him?”
“He makes me feel calm. It’s like I can feel my shoulders relax at the mere thought of being in his company.”
“That’s a good place to start, focus on that. I think you could do with some calm.”
Phoebe silently vowed to follow her advice, and not punish herself for enjoying the time they were spending together.
“Also, I wanted to thank you!” Autumn said suddenly.
“Thank me?” Phoebe frowned, letting her knees drop as their conversation washed away her fears.
“For the painting! Elijah and I finally agreed the hallway is the best place for it. The characters are spot on! Me, the black cat. Elijah, the golden retriever. Brinkley loves it too. She probably thinks it’s a painting of her and not her owners. It’s by far our favourite engagement present,” Autumn explained. “I asked Axel to send on our thanks and I sent a card, but I sent itto your studio. With everything going on, I wasn’t sure if you’d get it.”
Having been distracted by the bladed fan mail, she had forgotten about the rest of the mail.
“Thank you for sending a card. I haven’t got to my mail yet, so it’s probably sitting in the pile by my bed. I’m glad you love the painting, and I’m sure it’s delighted to have a place in your home. Congratulations again on the engagement,” Phoebe played along, covering for Axel.
“It’s been great talking to you, but I’ve got to head out to rehearsals. Call me when you’re home, maybe we can get a drink and talk more,” Autumn said.
“I’d love that.” Phoebe beamed, eager for some proper girl talk.
“Great, give Axel my love.”
Autumn was gone before she could say goodbye. Phoebe dropped the phone and lay back in the soft sheets. She had no idea Axel had bought and gifted one of her paintings. Then, she bolted upright.Axel was the collector who bought the three paintings at my last show.The two paintings in the pool house turned studio, and the third was a gift for Autumn and Elijah.
“Phoebe? You up?” Axel knocked on the door.
“Yep, you can come in.” Phoebe smoothed out the sheets. “I’m decent.”
Could he be any more adorable? He had seen every inch of her, and still knocked before coming in. He gave rockstars a bad name.
