Page 20 of Trading Up
I knew why he was doing it, but it didn’t mean I had to like it. I nodded and we kissed one more time before I closed the door and he left. At breakfast the next morning, I told Carter and Maverick if they had questions about living with Devereaux, or about what his coming into our lives meant. Maverick asked if that meant a forever sleepover, and I nodded while he got excited. Maverick was turning four in a few days, and then three weeks later, it was going to be Carter’s birthday. They asked for a joint birthday party this year, both of them agreeing to have a blue-themed party. They wanted everything blue.
I had an idea of what I wanted to do for their birthdays, but I wasn’t sure if they would like it or not. I was anxiously awaiting. I had a lot of things to talk to the boys about. I didn’t bring it up again until Carter asked to talk one night before bed.
“Mommy?” I paused reading, “When Row moves in, does that make him our daddy?” I held the book with my finger, still marking the spot as I looked at him. It’s not that I wasn’t expecting this; I just didn’t think there would ever be a way for me to be fully prepared for these tough questions. And I knew there would be more over the years as they grew and began to understand more of the situation.
“No. He would live with us and be Mommy’s husband. Your stepdad. If you guys decide you don’t want him to be your dad. Either option is okay.” I tried to assure him, letting him know that we would support whatever he decided. He sat there with the information for a little bit.
“Mommy? Where does he sleep when he moves in?” Good question, and I have to be honest, because his dad used to sleep in our room when he was home.
“In Mommy’s room.” His next question came almost as soon as I was done with the answer.
“Can he still have sleepovers in the living room with us?” I smiled, looking at my boy, his eyes big and curious, but guarded, and I hated that he had to grow up before he was supposed to because of this. Because of adult problems.
“If he wants to and it’s not a school night, yes.” He looked away, nodding. He didn’t say anything, fiddling with the blanket. I was about to open the book and start reading again, thinking he was done with his questions, when his wobbly, vulnerable little voice cried softly.
“What…what if…we want him to be our dad?”
“Oh…buddy. Why are you crying?” I tried looking down at him, but he wrapped his arms around my waist, burying his face into my stomach. I rubbed his back, trying to comfort him while I tried not to cry. God, this was so emotional. Did he want Row to be his dad? Did he want him to be his stepdad?
“If we want him to be our daddy…is he gonna leave us too?” He choked out in damn near unintelligible sobs. I wrapped my arms around him, holding him tightly. I pulled him onto my lap and let my boy hold me as he cried. I held him back, rubbing his back, telling him I was there for him when he was ready. As his sobs quieted, I looked at him.
“Carter?” He looked at me, his eyes red and puffy, “If you want him to be your dad, you’re gonna need to know something.” He sat up a little more, alert, slightly nervous.
“What?” His little voice sounded both hesitant and worried.
“You have to be ready for him to sign you and Mave up for every sport or activity you want to try. You have to be readyfor him to be there for all of the school things, and that’s a lifelong thing. Even if you do college,” I looked at him and he looked a little confused, “He’s going to want to be there for you. For everything, for as long as he’s here and you want him. He’s not going anywhere that’s not with us,” my voice wobbled a little at the end, because it was true. I knew he wanted the boys to see him as their dad, but he was worried if he pushed it. So, he just waited for them to come to him. It had been over a year since we left their dad, and he hadn’t been to see them, not once, not even a phone call on their birthdays. Devereaux stepped up and made sure that they weren’t even thinking about how Will wasn’t there for them.
“Really?”
“He’s always been there, Carter. That’s when he was in the uncle role. He’s not going anywhere, bud.” He nodded, thinking. His gaze was somewhere far away, and I wanted to give him the time to think about everything we talked about.
“Mommy?”
“Yeah, bud?” I responded, wiping the tears from our faces.
“Can I call him Daddy and see how it feels? Like I’m trying it out?” I didn’t think that was too unreasonable, and I wanted to let Row know about it so the next time they saw each other, he’d be prepared. And it felt like a face-to-face convo, so maybe tomorrow? Mother was going to babysit for me while we had another meeting with the staff from Silver Spoon about an upcoming event in two months that our companies were jointly hired for.
“Yeah. What do you want me to do?” I asked, making a mental note to text him about something important.
“Hold my hand?” I nodded, grabbing his hand right away.
“Whatever you need, baby.” I kissed his forehead, holding him against me like I used to when he was a tiny baby. Before I blinked and he was this big, almost six-year-old. We’re just sitting, rocking back and forth in the comfortable silence, when I get an idea.
“I was thinking of booking a vacation for us, after your big birthday party. I was going to do that for all of us instead of getting you toys. Do you want toys? Or go to the beach?”
“Beach!” He practically jumped out of my arms with excitement. I start to hush him because Mave is already sleeping, and we’ll need to discuss all of this with him in the morning.
“Okay, okay. I’ll book it. We need to talk to Mave about this when the sun comes up tomorrow. Do you think you want Row to come with us?” I asked, tucking him in, setting the book down.
“Can we tell him it’s a family vacation?” He suggested, hugging his t-rex close to him, making sure the stuffed animal was tucked in tightly next to him.
“If that’s what you want, baby.” I kissed his head, my eyes filling with tears. My guys were all coming together. I was the happiest woman in the world. I was sure there was nothing that could ruin my mood as I sent the text to Row that night. I had sweet dreams about us being a happy family of four. I was the happiest woman in the world when I woke up the next morning, until I looked at the onslaught of horrible messages and reviews on The Board Babe social media and Yelp.
I called Jenson, Petey, and Row. I held my shit together until I heard Row’s voice. That’s when I let myself crack.
“It’s his friends and family getting involved again, Row,” I wiped the tears that were silently falling down my cheeks. I hated that they were trying to destroy my business. “I want to press charges or sue for damages, defamation, whatever I can. I already called Jenson and Petey.”
“I’m coming down,” he hung up the phone and was here in less than five minutes, sweaty, out of breath, and looking ready to burn the world down because I cried. He came in, holding me, promising to make everything alright. I told him about the plan to go on vacation after the party, and he helped me book it so we would leave that night, right as the party ended. The party was still a week away, but we started packing, putting the luggage by the front door. I snapped a pic and posted it to my private social media.
