Page 65 of Glass and Bone
“It doesn’t matter. You exist and you aided in strengthening Noterra. You are the reason, whether you want to be or not. If you never came here, they may have not raided Rakushia. Their king and queen may have still been alive, and our men wouldn’t be risking their lives.” The tears break through, and I shake my head, willing them to stop. I didn’t choose this.
This wasn’t my fault.
“This is as much your fault as it is mine, Tobias.” I spit. He takes a slow, deep breath and waves his hand. The three men stand and bow before scurrying out the door, closing it behind them. “Is this why you asked for me today, to blame me for this war? For the death of a king and queen?” I snap.
“Elaenor.” He reaches his hands towards me, and I flinch out of his reach, glaring at him with every ounce of anger I have. He straightens and steps out from behind the table over to the pitcher of deep red wine.
“Do you think I wanted this, Tobias? That I wanted to be sent to a foreign land, forced to marry a man I don’t know. Do you think this is something I would have chosen for myself?” He doesn’t respond. “Do you truly think this is the type of life I want for myself, for my future children? I never wanted to marry you and you know that. Can you honestly tell me you are happy with me as your wife?” I walk around the table and face him.
“Everyone has a choice in their fate, Elaenor. You could have said no.” He sighs into his wine as he takes a mouthful.
“Agreeing to something means nothing if no was never an option. We do not have the luxury of choosing our partners. If you truly believe that we do, you are mistaken. I wanted to find love and marry for love and live a life full oflove, but instead of that I got a stranger, who terrifies me to no end.” Surprise flashes through his eyes as he takes in what I said. “After the pain you have caused me, both physically and emotionally, you know I am not safe with you. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be just another woman you destroy, so don’t you dare say this war is because of me. I am merely a pawn on a chessboard filled with kings. I have no power here at all, or anywhere for that matter! This isnotmy fight.” He slams the cup onto the table and reaches forward. His hand grips my cheeks tightly as he brings it close to his.
“You are more than a pawn, Elaenor. You are the queen that I will play when it is advantageous for the good of the realm.” His face is close, and I can smell the wine on his hot breath as it fans across my face. His fingers dig into my skin as his nose almost brushes mine. His blue eyes are deep, swirling as if they were an ocean in a hurricane.
“You are just like my father.” He laughs and releases his grip, picking his wine back up.
“Elaenor, I am aking, as is he. I will always do what is best for the country, your feelings are not relevant. This war was a direct consequence of our marriage. You may be correct in saying I had a part in this, but it is still your fault as well. We have to protect ourselves before they infiltrate our land. I asked you to come here today so you could hear what was going on. I figured as the queen you may want to know what was happening along your borders.” His moods are quickly changing, and I find myself confused on how to respond.
“Thank you.” I whisper. He turns to face me.
“What?” He’s surprised.
“Thank you for including me in this. You didn’t have to, and I appreciate that you did, but you don’t have to be so cold towards me Tobias. I don’t know if we will ever truly love each other, but we are married. We will be in each other’s company for a long time, and we need to learn how to navigate this life together. I don’t understand your need to demonize me and make me feel like a political headache you can’t be rid of.” His eyes have softened, but they still hold mine with anger.
“Were these last few days of peace not satisfactory enough for you?”
“It was. I appreciated the distance and the lack of anger you showed me. The truth is Tobias, I never know what you are going to do. Whether you’ll hurt me or make me do things I do not want to do. I never know how to act around you in fear that you will lash out.” He takes a deep breath and sets his wine on the table. Walking over to me, he places his hands on either side of my waist, looking into my eyes. I almost pull myself out of his grasp, but I hold steady.
“This marriage formed an alliance between our countries. Our duties are to ensure the line of succession is set. I will do what is necessary to make sure that happens, but I promise to do so without malice.” I look away from him and step out of his embrace.
“Tobias, you have made this promise before. I cannot trust what I don’t see.”
“Elaenor, I do love you.” I stop and hold onto one of the chairs to steady me. He’s lying. He has to be.
“Tobias, stop. Don’t say that if it is not true.” I stammer as my heart beats erratically. This isn’t love. How he treats me isn’t love. So why do I feel as if I might faint at his confession?
“I know that I haven’t shown it, I haven’t acted like a man who loves his wife, but you are the most frustrating and difficult woman I have ever met. You believe so strongly in the good of others, even when you have no reason to. I am working towards finding the truth about Jeremiah, I promise you.” I don’t hear him walk up to me, but his arms snake around my waist again. I can feel his nose press into my hair.
“Thank you.” I manage to whisper. “Thank you for looking, even if you have no reason to believe me.” He spins me around and grabs my face gently.
“I have every reason to believe you, Elaenor. You are my wife. I have to think of Noterra, but you come first.Always. I promise.” His lips find mine as he pulls me into a deep embrace. “I love you.” He whispers against my lips. I hate my body and my mind for betraying me. For making me love this man despite the pain he's caused. I can’t hate him, even if I wanted to. Even though I have every reason to. He’s terrifying, confusing, malicious, and more, but here I am practically falling into his arms just because he said he loved me.
Who have I become?
“I love you, too.” I whisper through my tears as I wrap my arms around his neck. He pulls me as tight as he possibly can against him as he kisses away all of my fears.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
I left the meeting room this morning feeling better than I have in a week. He believes me. He told me he loved me. We can get through all of this together. He said he’s actively working to prove Jeremiah is a traitor, and I hope this marks a step forward, a step towards a better future. My hand rests on my stomach as I hope there is a little piece of him growing inside of me. Even with the threats that loom over us, a child is what this kingdom needs. It’s whatweneed if we are to make it through this.
Tobias hasn’t appeared by the time I am prepared for bed. I climb into the warm blankets and stare at the ceiling. Usually this time of night I am busy with Tobias, so I find myself unable to fall asleep. I just feel lonely. Theo is still gone assisting our armies. I don’t know what his title is, but I did hear someone say he was the Lord Commander of the kingsguard, but I am unsure of the truth to that. Maybe it is a title Tobias provided to get him away from court,and away from me. Not that he needs to worry about my feelings for Theo as I don’t think I have any. Not anymore. I can’t.
I roll over onto my side and stare out the wall of windows. I chose to have them all open this evening so I could watch the stars. A light breeze is filtering through, marking the start of autumn. I didn’t get to enjoy the Noterran summer this year, but instead I will be greeted with snow much like home. My eyes close and I enjoy the crisp air as I fall asleep with sweet wine flowing through my veins.
Burning flesh scorches my nose. I can feel the flames nipping at my bare skin as I stumble through the wreckage. Buildings and houses are collapsing all around me as I fight to make it to the woods in time. My feet are going numb from the debris slicing their way to the bone. Glass from the grand windows, bones from the villagers who used to walk about the grounds, rubble and brick. All of it piling up into a massive obstacle I can’t seem to get around.
“Tobias!” I cry out. Spinning around, I search for any movement, any sign of life. “Hello!” I call out again, but nobody answers. I climb over a fallen pillar and stand, struggling to balance on the crumbling structure. The trees are just ahead, I just need to make it there. I bend down to slide off the side of a pile of stone, but something pulls me down. I collapse onto the hard ground and cry out. A hand is gripping onto my ankle pulling me further and further into the wreckage, my skin ripping open as I slide across the rubble.
